


Who Am I?

by vinegar-and-glitter (vinegarandglitter)



Series: One of a Kind [13]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Clones, F/F, Gen, M/M, human cloning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 20:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 42,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16204814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinegarandglitter/pseuds/vinegar-and-glitter
Summary: A series of “what if?” stories, set in the One of a Kind universe, following alternate timelines from the main story.





	1. The Murphy Twins: Part I

**Author's Note:**

> It's an AU of an AU. What am I doing? 
> 
> Here's the first part of the first story in 'Who Am I?', a collection of One of a Kind 'what ifs'. 
> 
> Story 1: The Murphy Twins
> 
> What if Gus and Connor were both adopted by the Murphys?

**The Murphy Twins: Part I**

_What if Gus and Connor were both adopted by the Murphys?_

* * *

 

**May 2000**

They’re tiny. 

They’re both just so tiny.

Larry stands over what might be called a bassinet if it wasn’t so clinical and looks at the two identical babies, fast asleep and facing each other. They’re both wearing tiny hospital gowns and have tiny name tags around their wrists.

No, not names.

Numbers.

887R95-A and 887R95-B.

“We have all the documentation you’ll need,” says the head scientist. She’s a severe-looking woman, probably younger than she looks, and hasn’t smiled once since Larry walked into the room. “We want them to have as normal an upbringing as possible, but they are both most definitely subjects of interest. They’re the only twins we’ve ever had in this experiment.”

“My wife and I will take good care of them,” Larry promises.

The woman just looks at him. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if there were any doubt on that front, Mr. Murphy.”

Larry just looks at the twins. They’re both still asleep, but seem to be reaching out to each other. 

It would be wrong to separate them, Larry thinks. 

“What do we know about their history?” Larry asks. 

The scientist frowns. “Born in Ireland,” she says curtly. “Surrogate went rogue. They were recovered by the Institute and have been here since for testing.” She pause for a moment then continues. “We considered keeping them to be raised here, but there’s a similar experiment being run in the United Kingdom. It seemed more useful to allow the twins to have a regular upbringing.”

_ Ireland _ , Larry thinks to himself. He’s got Irish ancestry. Raised by Irish Catholics. Cynthia’s Catholic too. There’s maybe a bit of heritage he can share with these boys.

“And they don’t have names?” Larry asks.

There’s a flash of… something across the scientist’s face. Larry can’t tell if it’s sadness or pity. “They have their ID numbers,” she says curtly. “You and your wife can name them. Just let us know so we can adjust our records accordingly.”

It takes a little while, but soon Larry and the scientist have the twins out of the hospital gowns and into onesies that Larry had picked up to take them home in. 887R95-A in the yellow onesie with a duck on the front, 887R95-B in the green onesie with a frog. 

They’re so tiny.

So incredibly small. 

Once they’re changed, Larry asks for a pair of scissors and cuts off their ID tags. He doesn’t want Cynthia to see them. 

The scientist helps Larry get the boys into his car. Larry’s bought top of the line car seats and they’ve still got the price tags on. Once the boys are settled, the scientist looks at Larry, her expression even. 

“We’ll be expecting regular reports,” she says firmly. “Regular contact, regular testing. If anything out of the ordinary happens, we need to know immediately.”

Larry doesn’t ask what they’re expecting to happen. 

It’s all too much to think about. 

He doesn’t want to think about the fact that the babies sleeping in the car are part of an experiment in human cloning, that there are hundreds of babies around the world who’ll grow up with identical DNA, identical faces. 

He can never tell his wife why they’ve been entrusted with their care. 

As he’s driving home, he can hear the two of them making the tiniest, softest baby sounds. It’s almost like they’re talking to each other. 

He thinks about what he’s going to tell Cynthia. 

He thinks about the scientist’s suggestion that he and his wife name them, but he doesn’t know how to explain to her why these three-month-old babies don’t have names already. 

Larry’s mind keeps sticking on the fact that they were born in Ireland. 

What was it that DYAD said? The surrogate went rogue. 

He knows what that means. The surrogate realized there was something special about the babies she was carrying and wanted to keep them safe. Safe from the experiments, from a life of testing, from the reality of their strange existence. 

Larry can understand that. From the moment he laid eyes on these boys, he knew he’d do anything to keep them safe. 

The boys were born in Ireland. 

And they’ll never know. 

He walks through the front door with the two babies. Cynthia’s in the living room and her eyes widen in surprise as he enters the room. 

“What… what’s going on, what… who…”

“This is Sean,” Larry says, gesturing to the baby in the green frog onesie. Then he gestures to the baby in the yellow duck onesie. “And this is Connor. We’re going to look after them.” 

“Where did they come from?” Cynthia asks. 

Larry tries not to laugh.

It’s one hell of a loaded question. 

* * *

 

**September 2017**

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm jacking off, or do you consider that an honor?”

It’s the first day of senior year and Evan already wants to go home. Or anywhere but here, really. He hasn’t seen Jared all summer, so of course the first thing he’s going to comment on is the one thing Evan’s been trying not to think about since that day at the park. 

“Wait. What? I didn’t, I wasn’t doing that,” he manages to mumble, which just seems to make things worse. 

Jared practically cackles as he continues. “Paint me the picture: you’re in your room, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…”

“That’s not what happened,” Evan says. “Obviously. I was, um, well, I was climbing a tree and I fell.”

“You fell out of a tree?” Jared asks incredulously. “What are you, an acorn?”

“You fell out of a tree?” comes a voice from behind them that doesn’t sound anywhere near as mocking as Jared’s. Evan turns to see two identical faces and really, really hopes they hadn’t overheard Jared’s earlier comment. 

Towering over them are Sean and Connor Murphy, Zoe’s twin older brothers. Sean’s the one who spoke, which makes sense since Connor doesn’t really say much of anything. “Having a broken arm on the first day of school must suck, Evan,” says Sean, sounding genuinely sympathetic. “Do you need any help with your stuff?”

“He’s fine,” mutters Connor, hiding behind hair that’s grown longer over the summer. Evan thinks it kind of suits him. “Don’t be weird.”

“I’m just trying to help,” says Sean, rolling his eyes at his twin somewhat affectionately. He turns back to Evan and smiles. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” says Jared, his voice annoyed. “You’ve done your good deed for the day, Saint Murphy.” 

Evan notices that Connor’s tensed up. The look he sends Jared would make flowers wilt. “Don’t talk to him like that.”

Sean, for his part, doesn’t look concerned. He just kind of rolls his eyes again, but there’s no affection this time. “Always a pleasure, Kleinman.” He grabs Connor’s arm and the two of them head off down the hallway. Evan watches them as they go. 

They make a weird pair, Sean and Connor. They’re identical in appearance - same nose, same ears, same blue eyes with a bit of brown - but completely different in personality. Sean’s probably the most popular guy in school, mostly because he’s genuinely nice to everyone. He’s one of the few people at school who notices Evan’s existence, which Evan’s always been pathetically grateful for. Sean’s the captain of the basketball team, a straight A student and senior class vice-president. Since freshman year, he’s been dating Alana Beck, and the two of them are the closest thing the school has to a power couple. 

Connor, on the other hand…

Evan notices him more than he probably should, because he knows what it’s like to be ignored. People tend to ignore Connor, too. Where Sean’s outgoing and friendly and everyone knows him, Connor’s quiet and closed off and tends to blend into the background. People don’t mess with him because he’s Sean’s twin and Sean is pretty much universally beloved, but they don’t really see him as anything other than Sean’s twin. The quiet one. The other one. 

Evan knows it’s not the same. Knows they’re not the same. Connor’s got immunity. He’s got a brother who looks out for him, who makes sure to include him, who makes sure he’s not forgotten. When they were all kids, Evan used to wish he had a twin. Sean and Connor were practically inseparable growing up, and they always had each other. 

Evan thinks he would have liked that. It might have made him feel a little less alone. 

All he’s got is himself, and most days that’s just not enough. 

Still, there’s something he’s always kind of recognized in Connor, even though the other boy has an advantage Evan can only dream of. He feels like that as nice as Sean is, it must be hard for Connor, living in his shadow. (Not his literal shadow, because they’re the exact same height, but… still.)

Jared watches them go and scowls. “I hate those guys.” 

Evan, who has been subject to many a Jared rant about the Murphy twins, tries not to roll his eyes. He knows, almost verbatim, what’s coming next. 

“Who the fuck does Sean Murphy think he is? He swans around like he owns the place and everyone just fucking swoons over him. And no one comments on the fact that Connor’s an emo freak because they’re too worried that Sean will, like, frown disapprovingly or some shit. He’s like some kind of cult leader.”

Evan can pinpoint exactly when Jared’s grudge against the Murphy twins started. It was in 9th grade when Jared and Connor were paired for a project for English. Everyone knew that Connor was top of the class and Jared just assumed that working with Connor would be an easy A without having to lift a finger. Evan remembers vividly the moment where Connor cornered Jared in the cafeteria, trying to get him to take the project seriously. The resulting conversation had finished with Connor nearly punching Jared in the face. 

If it hadn’t been for Sean intervening at the last moment, he probably would have. Sean managed to hold Connor back, but then Jared had made some kind of smart comment, which resulted in Connor taking a swing at Jared, who’d moved out of the way and accidentally shoved Evan to the ground. 

He’d landed on his arm then, too. The same arm he had in a cast now. 

Jared had stormed off, ranting about how Connor was batshit crazy, and Sean had helped Evan up, and Connor had quietly asked Evan if he was okay, looking genuinely concerned. Sean’s friends had crowded around to see if Sean was alright and by the time the story had gone through the high school rumor mill, Jared was the one who came out of it looking like an asshole to the entire student body. 

Jared’s had it out for the Murphy twins ever since. It’s gotten worse since he noticed Evan staring at their little sister at the jazz band concert at the beginning of junior year. 

“You know Sean only talks to you because he feels sorry for you, right?” says Jared, his tone a shade too dark to be casual. “Kissing his ass isn’t, like, your ticket to boning his sister.” 

The day hasn’t even started yet but Evan’s exhausted. “I know,” he tells Jared, and then heads to his first class.

Later that day, he prints out a letter to himself in an empty computer lab. 

No one signs his cast. 

* * *

Even though Sean, Connor and Zoe all have their own cars, they still carpool to and from school most days. Sometimes when Zoe has jazz band or Sean has basketball practice, Connor takes his own car, but mostly he’ll just wait for whoever’s going to be a bit longer and read.

Sean doesn’t know anyone who reads as much as Connor does. Sometimes Dad makes a comment about how he should get outside or do something physical like join the basketball team, but Mom usually sticks up for Connor. Mom’s a bit of a bookworm too. It’s probably where Connor gets it. 

Today it’s tryouts - jazz band for Zoe, basketball for Sean. He’s captain of the team for the second year running and he’s not really feeling too confident about the prospects. As Connor sits reading while Sean takes the hopefuls through their paces, he wishes for the millionth time that Connor had kept playing basketball past freshman year. It would make his job a lot easier. 

They’d had a conversation about it that morning on the way to school. It had gone about as Sean expected. 

“What’s it going to take to get you to join the team this year?” Sean had asked as he pulled out of the driveway. 

Connor had rolled his eyes. “A million dollars, a cure for cancer and a pony.” 

Zoe had laughed. “Give it up, Sean,” she’d said with her own eye roll, looking so much like Connor it made Sean want to smile. “We both know Connor thinks he’s too cool for group activities.”

Connor snorts. “I’m not cool.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice.”

“Fuck you.”

Sean gasped dramatically. “Such language in my good Christian car!”

It was Zoe’s turn to snort. Connor looked him dead in the eye. “God is dead, Sean.”

“Nietzsche killed him,” Zoe added helpfully.

“Seriously, Connor,” Sean tried again while turning the corner into the cul-de-sac where Alana lived. “With our freaky twin powers combined, we’d whip the team into shape in no time.” He pulled into Alana’s driveway and beeped twice. “You used to love playing basketball.”

“No,  _ you _ loved playing basketball,” Connor had replied with a warm smile. “I just played because you wanted me to.” With that, he’d gotten out of the front seat and taken a seat in the back so Alana could take shotgun, effectively ending the conversation. 

As a pair of freshmen fumble over the ball, Sean catches Connor’s eyes from his spot on the bleachers. Connor grins a little, then looks at the freshmen, then rolls his eyes at Sean, who tries not to roll them right back. 

He knows exactly what his twin is thinking. 

Then again, he usually does. 

It’s another grueling hour before Sean finally calls it. The hopefuls trail out of the gym and Sean heads back to Connor, who hands him a bottle of water. Sean drinks the whole thing gratefully then sits next to his brother and sighs. 

“I’m not joining the team,” says Connor before Sean can say anything. “I know you really want me to, but I… I really don’t want to, I’m not just being an asshole. I just… I really, really don’t want to play basketball. Not in a team, at least. If you ever want to, like, shoot hoops at home, I’ll totally do that, but I’m not going to join the basketball team.”

“I know you’re not just being an asshole,” Sean replies, a little stung. “I just… it’d be cool to do this with you, and I thought you could… get out of your comfort zone a little. Meet some new people.”

“I don’t need new people,” Connor replies. “I have you. That’s enough.”

Sean wonders if he is enough, really. Sometimes Connor just seems… so lonely. He knows his twin isn’t the most outgoing guy in the world, but Connor doesn’t really seem to talk to people. He talks to Sean and Zoe, of course, and he gets along pretty well with Alana, but Sean worries sometimes. Worries that he’s not paying enough attention to Connor, that he’s letting himself get distracted with school and basketball and volunteering at the dog shelter and spending time with Alana. 

Speaking of Alana…

Sean spots her heading across the gym, braids flying as she walks at her usual break-neck speed. He grins and waves at her, and she’s at his side quicker than he expected. 

He should have learned not to underestimate his girlfriend by now. 

“How were the tryouts?” Alana asks, her tone warm but businesslike. “We had an excellent first student council meeting. I think we’re going to get a lot done this year. Hopefully you had lots of promising prospects for the team, I know you were worried that you wouldn’t be able to replace some of the talent you lost with last year’s graduating class.” She turns to Connor. “How were they? You’re observant, I’m sure you have some opinions.”

Connor shrugs. “No one caught fire or anything, so I guess it’s fine.”

The corner of Alana’s lips curls into a smile. Sean likes it. He likes that Connor always seems to be able to make Alana smile with his dry comments. Likes that his twin and his girlfriend get along. 

“There’s not as much raw talent as I’d like,” Sean admits, “but I’m sure I can whip them into shape.” He leans down and kisses Alana quickly. “I’m glad the first student council meeting was good. Did you want to grab donuts on the way home? Zoe should be finished with jazz band soon.”

Alana kind of rolls her eyes. “You shouldn’t eat so much sugar, Sean.”

“If you say he’s sweet enough, I’ll gauge my eyes out with this pencil,” Connor warns, waving the pencil warningly. Sean’s willing to bet his twin is making annotations in the margins of whatever book he’s reading. 

Alana laughs again, and Connor smirks at Sean. Sean rolls his eyes at his brother, then catches a glimpse of Zoe coming through the door to the gym, guitar case on her back. She waves at them and heads over. Connor seems to take that as a sign to stand up and start collecting his things. 

“Sean wants donuts,” Connor tells Zoe bluntly, “so we’re stopping on the way home.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Sean always wants donuts.” She turns to Alana and waves, kind of awkwardly. “Hey Alana.”

“Hi Zoe,” says Alana, her tone polite. Zoe looks at her shoes, and once again, Sean bites back the urge to pull his sister aside and demand she tell him what her problem with his girlfriend is. 

Sean and Alana have been dating since freshman year, and at first Zoe seemed totally okay with it. Happy, even. She’d constantly ask Sean when Alana was coming over next, because “when Alana’s here, you and Connor can’t outvote me every time”. Sean was pretty sure they were friends, which is why it was a bit of a surprise when all of a sudden just after last New Year’s, things got weird. 

Both Alana and Zoe insist that there’s nothing wrong, that they’re not mad at each other, that nothing happened, but Sean’s not an idiot. Things aren’t the same between Zoe and Alana. They haven’t been for months, and no matter how much he tries to get to the bottom of it, neither of them will give Sean a proper explanation. 

“Come on,” says Connor impatiently, standing up and tucking the pencil behind his ear. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I just need to get changed,” says Sean apologetically. “I’ll be as quick as I can.” He looks at Alana, then at Zoe, who are both pointedly not looking at each other. 

Connor looks between them, rolls his eyes and dramatically sits back down to read. 

* * *

 

Just because Connor’s top of the class in AP Literature doesn’t mean he’s not immune to nerves when it comes to oral presentations. He’s tried to convince his teacher to let him just hand in an essay, but as much as she likes him, Ms. Wright isn’t going for it. This assignment is worth a decent chunk of his grade, so even though he’s not looking forward to it, Connor’s still determined to get himself an A. 

As a result, he’s been practicing his presentation almost non-stop for the last week. Sean keeps trying to convince him that he’s got this down, he doesn’t need to keep repeating the damn thing in front of the mirror every morning, but Connor’s not going to stop freaking out about it until it’s done. 

Sean and Alana are both straight-A students, whereas Connor is not. Not because he couldn’t be - he knows that if he tried a little more in his other subjects, he could be getting those top grades - but because he’s just not interested. He’s happy breezing through with Bs in every other subject but English. 

Connor doesn’t take his studies nearly as seriously as Alana, but he has consistently beaten her in terms of grades in English since freshman year. They’ve got a mostly friendly rivalry going on, but it only extends to English - when it comes to Connor’s other classes, he doesn’t mind if Alana beats him. But English… English is his turf. 

So even though he knows he’s crazy prepared, that his presentation is good, that he’s done more than enough work to get himself an A, Connor’s still very nervous as he gets to the front of the classroom. It’s last period on a Thursday, which isn’t an ideal time to do an oral presentation - he’s had all week to stress out about it. All day to stress out about it. He’d volunteered to go first because he just wants to get it out of the way. 

As he stands at the front of the classroom, Connor takes a deep breath and looks around at his classmates, most of whom don’t look particularly interested in what he’s got to say. In the middle row, there’s Evan Hansen, who’s kind of fidgeting nervously and picking at his cast, which is depressingly void of signatures. He looks like he could throw up at any moment. 

Evan’s a pretty nervous guy, Connor figures. As much as Connor doesn’t want to do this presentation, it’s got to be a hundred times worse for Evan Hansen. 

That kind of bolsters him, in a weird way. Connor launches into his presentation with a confidence he definitely doesn’t feel, and it’s… not as bad as he expected. All the practicing has paid off, and he feels himself relaxing as he warms up and gets stuck into his argument. By the time he’s done, he’s feeling a huge sense of relief and actually pretty pleased with himself. There’s a smattering of applause, most of which seems relatively genuine, and Ms. Wright sends him an encouraging smile as he goes to sit down. 

“Evan, you’re up next,” says Ms. Wright. Connor looks over to see Evan going pale as a sheet. Evan stands up and makes his way to the front of the class. The poor guy is visibly shaking, and Connor fights back a burst of irritation as someone behind him starts sniggering. There’s no fucking need for that kind of shit. No one likes public speaking. 

Once Evan’s at the front of the classroom, he rubs his hands on his pants nervously, then fishes his cue cards out of his pocket. He drops them on the floor almost immediately, then goes even paler and goes to pick them up, and Connor’s heart goes out to him because it looks like they’ve gotten all mixed up and this is all the worst case scenario stuff he’d been dreading himself and some asshole behind him is properly laughing now, what the actual fuck. 

“When you’re ready,” says Ms. Wright, smiling encouragingly at Evan. Evan opens his mouth a few times, in a move that’s reminiscent of a dying goldfish, and he’s so pale he looks almost gray, and he’s kind of sweaty, and it looks like he’s having trouble breathing, and… 

Connor’s pretty sure Evan’s about to have a panic attack, he realizes with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Evan drops his cue cards again and heads straight for the door of the classroom, and a couple more people in the classroom start to laugh, and Connor makes a decision. 

As Evan leaves the classroom in a hurry, Connor gets up and goes after him. 

Evan’s quick, it seems, and is heading straight to the boy’s bathroom, and doesn’t seem to realize Connor’s following him. Connor follows him down the hallway and into the bathroom and Evan curls up in a corner near the sink on the gross floor and starts hyperventilating. 

Connor sits down next to him and tries to keep his tone as calming as possible. “Hey, Evan,” he says quietly. “Just focus on breathing, okay? Deep breaths, in and out, with me. You can do it. Okay? Just breathe in… and then breathe out. Just focus on your breathing. It’s okay.”

He’s no stranger to helping people through panic attacks. Sean used to have them all the time when they were kids, and Connor was the only one who could help calm him down. Likewise, Sean was the only one who could get through to Connor when he found himself getting so overwhelmed with anger that he couldn’t even think properly. 

The twins have always looked out for each other. 

Connor talks Evan through the panic attack quietly, and Connor notes with some satisfaction that Evan’s breathing seems to be evening out. It’s taking some time, but it’s getting there. 

He doesn’t really know Evan, even though they’ve been in almost all the same classes since kindergarten. Connor knows that Sean always makes an effort to talk to Evan. When Connor asked why, Sean said it was because Evan always seemed really lonely. Connor’s never been someone to reach out and try to make friends - he’s got Sean, he’s got Zoe, he’s friendly with Alana, that’s all he really needs - but Sean looks out for people, and has always said that Evan’s a good guy, even though he’s always hanging around that asshole Kleinman. 

“I’m going to get you some water,” Connor says quietly as soon as he’s happy that Evan’s breathing is under control. “Wait here.”

He all but sprints to the vending machine around the corner, buys a bottle of water with change from his pocket, then heads right back into the bathroom. When he gets back, Evan’s still curled up against the wall, but he’s not pale anymore. Instead, he’s red and he’s wiping his face and looks horribly, horribly embarrassed. 

Connor hands him the bottle of water as he sits down next to him. “Thank you,” Evan mumbles, before undoing the lid with shaky hands. 

“Are you feeling a bit better?” Connor asks, still keeping his voice quiet and calm. “Panic attacks can be pretty hardcore. Sean used to always get super tired after having one.”

Evan looks at Connor, eyes wide. “Sean has panic attacks?” he blurts out. 

Connor nods. “He used to. That’s, uh, that’s how I knew that’s what was happening.”

“Thank you,” says Evan, his voice stronger now. “I, uh… I’ve… no one’s ever… come to find me after a panic attack before, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know how much they suck,” says Connor, who’s starting to feel a little embarrassed. “You, uh, you shouldn’t have to just deal with it. Sean says that when he used to have panic attacks it was like something was crushing his chest. It sounds really scary.” A thought occurs to him. “Do you have, like, medication or something for it?”

Evan nods. “It’s back in class,” he says, a little awkwardly. 

Connor nods. “Do you want me to go get it?”

Evan looks at him, expression grateful. “I’m, uh, I’m probably okay now, but if you could get my stuff?”

Connor stands up. “You okay to stay here for a bit? I’ll talk to Ms. Wright and get your stuff.” Before he can stop himself, he continues. “I can, uh, drop you home as well. If you want. I brought my car today, Sean has basketball and Zoe has jazz band.”

Evan’s expression is even more grateful, and it kind of twists Connor’s insides a bit, because it’s not like he’s being super nice or anything, he’s just being a decent fucking human being. “Thank you.”

Connor heads back into the English class, where some guy he’s never paid any attention to is giving a very monotone presentation of his own, reading directly from his cue cards and not looking up at all. From the doorway, Ms. Wright catches his eye, stops the kid who’s giving a speech then heads toward Connor. 

“Is Evan alright?” asks Ms. Wright, her voice quiet and concerned. 

“He’s not in great shape,” Connor admits. “It was a pretty bad panic attack. I’m just going to get his stuff and take him to the nurse’s office.”

Ms. Wright nods. “It was good of you to check up on him,” she says warmly. “It’s good he has a friend like you.”

Connor decides not to mention that he barely knows the guy, and instead quickly gathers his bag and Evan’s bag and heads back to the bathroom. Evan’s standing up now, washing his face in the sink, and looking a lot less freaked out than he did moments ago. At the sight of Connor, he goes a little bit pink, and the first thing that crosses Connor’s mind is that Evan Hansen is kind of cute when he blushes. 

“You didn’t have to do this for me,” Evan says as he takes his bag. “And you don’t have to drive me home, I can just walk.”

Connor shrugs. “Least I can do is drive you home since you got me out of having to listen to speeches for the next twenty minutes.” He takes Evan’s arm. “Come on, I said I’d take you to the nurse’s office. Unless you just want to ditch?”

Evan’s eyes widen and he’s starting to look a little terrified again, so Connor decides not to push it. Evan Hansen has probably never ditched class in his life and the last thing Connor wants is to send him into another panic attack. 

By the time they get to the nurse’s office, the day’s almost over, so they decide to stay put until the majority of their classmates are gone from the halls. Evan doesn’t seem to really want to talk, which makes sense because he’s probably tired. Connor’s about to grab a paperback from his bag when Evan finally says something.

“Your presentation was really good.” 

Connor blinks. “Thank you.” He screws up his nose. “I hate public speaking.”

Evan laughs a little. “Obviously, I feel the same way.” He sighs. “At least you actually did it. Now not only have I embarrassed myself in front of everyone, but I still have to actually do it eventually or else I’ll fail and then I’ll never get into college and-”

“We can talk to Ms. Wright about it,” Connor interrupts, because it looks like Evan’s about to go into a total panic. “Maybe there’s something they could do. You could, like, film it or something. I don’t know.”

Evan stares at him for a moment. “We?” he repeats, his voice a little faint.

Connor can feel his ears going red, so he moves his head a little in the hope his hair will cover them. “I mean, if you want, I can come with you when you talk to her,” Connor offers. “She’s one of the good ones. Most of the teachers in this place couldn’t give a shit about us, but she actually cares.”

Evan looks at him for a moment, then opens his mouth as if wanting to say something, then closes it again. It takes a moment, but Evan eventually gets the words out. 

“Does Sean really get panic attacks?”

Connor nods. “Not as much anymore, but it used to be… bad.”

“It just… seems like he’s got it together, you know? He’s smart and he’s popular and he’s really nice to everyone, he’s not…” Evan trails off, and plays with the edge of his cast. 

“Not what?” Connor asks, as gently as he can manage.

“Not a loser like I am.”

Connor’s heart clenches, a little painfully, and he’s more than a little bit angry on this kid’s behalf. “Having panic attacks doesn’t make you a loser,” he points out firmly. 

“It’s not the panic attacks that make me a loser,” says Evan, the words spilling out like he’s not sure he should be saying them. 

Connor’s not sure what to say to that. Instead, he just offers to drive Evan home again, and they head back out into the hallway in silence. It’s mostly empty now, and Evan has to stop at his locker to get more of his things, so Connor just waits patiently. Eventually they get into Connor’s car and out of the school parking lot. They don’t say much to each other, aside from Evan giving directions because Connor doesn’t know where he lives. 

It’s only when they’ve finally arrived at Evan’s house that Connor finds the words. 

“I don’t think you’re a loser,” Connor says. “I don’t really know you, but Sean’s always said you’re cool.”

Evan’s eyes widen comically. “Really?”

Connor nods. “Yeah.” 

They smile at each other for a while. 

“Want to come in and hang out for a bit?” Evan asks in a rush. “We could watch Netflix or something.”

Connor thinks about it for a moment. 

“Yeah, okay.”

* * *

 

It’s almost ridiculous just how quickly Connor becomes a part of Evan’s life. 

Evan wasn’t expecting it, but he’s definitely not complaining.

They spend the afternoon following Evan’s failed presentation watching episodes of Nailed It on Netflix, eating M&Ms and talking about… whatever. A whole bunch of things, actually. Connor’s full of interesting ideas and weird facts and Evan can’t help but relax around him, which is weird in and of itself because Evan’s whole thing is that he just… doesn’t relax. Connor is fun to be around, Evan is starting to realize, and smart and well-read and kinder than anyone else knows. 

During their Netflix marathon, Connor asks if he can sign his cast. Evan’s not sure what to expect, but it’s certainly not for him to take up most of the cast with his name in big bold letters. After a while, Connor decides he’s going to try to draw one of the cake failures on the cast, and the resulting doodle is so completely ridiculous they both end up in fits of giggles.

Laughing with Connor Murphy about a terribly drawn version of a terribly made cake was definitely not on the list of things Evan thought the day would bring when he woke up that morning. 

Connor offers him a ride of school the next day, and he accepts. 

And all of a sudden, Connor’s part of his routine. 

It kind of just… happens. 

Connor picks him up for school in the mornings. They eat lunch together outside because neither of them like the cafeteria food. Apart from AP Literature, they don’t have any classes together, but Evan gets used to Connor waiting by his locker between classes, reading whatever book he’s currently devouring with a pencil behind his ear. 

Sometimes they go get ice cream after school, despite the fact that the weather’s getting colder. 

Connor insists it’s always time for ice cream. 

And it’s never weird. It’s never awkward. Evan’s never tongue-tied, never not sure what to say. It’s just… comfortable. Connor’s at Evan’s place almost constantly, and it’s starting to feel like that’s where he belongs. They do their homework and watch Netflix and eat pizza and talk about their plans for after senior year. Every now and then, Connor draws something else on his cast. 

He’s a terrible artist. It’s kind of adorable. 

Through all of this, Evan almost forgets about how pretty Connor’s sister is. He’s just glad to have a friend. Glad to have someone who’s willingly spending time with him. 

Nearly a month into their friendship, Evan gets a text from Connor that makes his stomach churn. 

**Connor**

_ Car’s in the shop so I’m carpooling with Sean and Zoe. Pick you up at the normal time? _

Evan very badly wants to say he’ll just get the bus so he doesn’t have to deal with his pathetic crush on Connor’s sister first thing in the morning. 

He also very badly doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with Connor. 

It takes an embarrassingly long time to formulate a response.

**Evan**

_ Thanks, see you then _

Evan doesn’t sleep much the night before. He’s completely terrified he’s going to make an idiot out of himself in front of Connor and his siblings. He’s terrified he’s going to say the wrong thing and it’s going to be totally obvious that he’s got a creepy crush on Zoe and Connor’s going to realize that he’s weird and creepy and a total loser and stop talking to him and then he’ll go back to being alone, except being alone will be so much worse now that he knows what it’s like to… not be alone. 

He changes his shirt three times and is ready nearly half an hour before Connor’s usual pickup time. Which turns out to be a good thing when there’s a knock on the door twenty minutes early. 

Evan opens the door and there’s Connor, looking tired and apologetic. “Sorry we’re early,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Sean decided he wanted to get donuts before school and insisted we pick you up first so you got some as well.” Connor scrunches up his nose and kind of half smiles, his face softening. “He’s super excited about it. He’s such a dork.”

“It’s okay,” Evan says, because he’s not sure what else to say. 

“We can wait if you need to get ready,” Connor offers.

Evan shakes his head. “No, I’m good. Let’s, uh, let’s go get donuts.”

He follows Connor out of the house and to the car, where Sean is waving enthusiastically from the driver’s seat. Beside him is Alana Beck, who has her nose stuck in a textbook. Connor opens the door for Evan and gestures for him to take the middle seat. 

And there Evan is, sandwiched between Connor and Zoe Murphy in the backseat of Sean’s way too fancy car. 

He’s probably going to have an aneurysm. 

“Morning,” says Zoe. She seems a little uncomfortable, which immediately puts Evan on edge, because he’s clearly done something wrong already and hasn’t even realized it and-

Connor’s hand is on his knee. 

“Relax,” Connor says softly into his ear. “I promise everyone in this car wants you here.”

Evan feels his chest kind of tighten a little. 

It’s nice to feel wanted. 

When they get to the donut place, Sean practically leaps out of the car, all long limbs and enthusiasm, and Evan can’t help but be reminded of an overeager Golden Retriever. Alana’s close behind him, but Zoe trails back with Connor and Evan, and Evan’s starting to realize that Zoe’s vague air of discomfort isn’t directed at him at all. 

She seems to be putting as much distance as she can between herself and Alana. Evan wonders why, but immediately dismisses the thought, because it’s none of his business. 

“I can order for you if you want,” says Connor once they get into the store. “I know you’re not great with people.”

Evan’s hit by a wave of intense gratitude and affection for his friend. “That… that would be great.”

The five of them crowd around a table once they’ve got their food, and Evan can’t help but laugh at the literal pile of donuts Sean’s inhaling. Connor catches his eye and rolls his eyes, his expression fond. “Sean’s got a crazy sweet tooth,” he says. 

Sean laughs. He’s got powdered sugar all over his face and his grin is almost feral. “At least I burn it off playing basketball,” he says, picking up his coffee and taking a sip. “You’re the one sitting on your ass all day reading.”

“And it’s going to stay that way,” Connor replies with a laugh. 

Alana has just ordered a coffee, and she’s busy reading what looks like a biology textbook. Zoe’s sipping on an iced mocha and checking her phone. Neither of them are looking at each other. 

Sean looks between them, and something sad flashes across his face for just a moment. Then he focuses his attention on Evan. 

“I’m glad we could hang out, Evan,” Sean says, his voice warm. “I’ve always thought you were cool.” He looks apologetic. “It’s just… the whole thing with Kleinman, and I know you guys are friends…”

“We aren’t friends,” Evan blurts out, and regrets it immediately when everyone at the table looks at him. He can feel his ears going red. “He, uh… Jared only talks to me because his mom won’t pay his car insurance if he doesn’t. Our moms are family friends, and… yeah.”

“He talks to you for car insurance?” Zoe repeats, looking up from her phone with wide eyes. “That’s… really shitty.”

There’s something very, very jarring about Zoe saying the word ‘shitty’. 

Evan doesn’t know what to do, so he just shrugs. Then looks at his half-eaten donut. “Yeah, well… we aren’t friends. He’s, uh, he’s always telling me we’re not friends, we’re just family friends, and it’s different and… yeah.”

“He’s an asshole,” says Connor, his voice dark. “Fuck, he’s even more of an asshole than I thought he was.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Evan rushes to explain, because everyone’s looking at him like he’s just admitted he likes to murder puppies in his free time. “It’s really not. It’s just… it’s fine, I don’t mind, it’s fine, I’m just… it’s fine. It’s really fine.”

There’s a moment of silence, then Sean kind of nods. “Do you want one of my powdered sugar donuts?” he asks. “They’re the best kind.”

Evan takes one, and the conversation turns to lighter things, and Evan’s almost starting to feel comfortable around the group. 

Almost. 

He doesn’t think he’d be anywhere near as comfortable if it weren’t for Connor’s now-familiar presence beside him. 

They get to school in plenty of time. Zoe runs off almost immediately, saying she has to get to the band room before first period, and Alana wants to catch up with someone for the student council. Sean and Connor stick around for a bit and the three of them head toward the lockers. 

Evan’s heart sinks into his shoes when he sees Jared waiting at his locker. There’s something… almost hurt in his expression, which doesn’t make sense because Jared’s not his friend, he’s not his real friend, all he ever  _ does _ is remind Evan that they’re not friends. Then it shifts into something mocking, and Evan prepares himself for some sort of scathing remark. 

Jared doesn’t disappoint. 

“Well, look at you,” Jared says, smirking a little, “getting all buddy-buddy with Thing 1 and Thing 2.”

“Fuck off, Kleinman,” Connor snaps. Evan can feel the irritation pouring off his friend in waves. 

Sean just rolls his eyes. “Did you need something?”

Jared slaps Evan on the shoulder, and Evan tries not to visibly recoil. “Just wanted to congratulate Evan here on his game,” says Jared in that fake-cheery tone that Evan’s always hated. “In with the cool kids, making friends with the famous Murphy twins. Good for you.”

“Again,” says Sean, his tone almost bored but not quite, “did you need something?”

Jared slaps Evan on the shoulder again, then looks straight at Connor. “I mean, you’ve got to hand it to Evan here, it’s pretty smart. Making friends with you guys so he can get closer to your sister.”

Connor frowns and looks at Evan. “What?”

“Evan’s totally got a boner for your sister,” Jared says gleefully. “He’s got a pathetic crush on your baby sister and he’s trying to weasel his way into your good graces. Is it working? Do you give him your blessing to woo your sister? Is some sort of dowry involved? I don’t know how it works for you Catholics.”

It feels like the walls are closing in on him. 

Like his lungs are collapsing. 

Like someone’s punched him right in the chest. 

Fuck. 

Evan thinks he might prefer being punched in the chest. 

He doesn’t know what to do. 

He doesn’t know what to say. 

Connor’s staring at him with a frown and Sean looks angry and this is it, they’re never going to want to speak to him again, they’re never going to be his friends, he’s never going to have friends, he’s kidding himself, why would anyone put up with someone as disgusting and creepy as he is, they’re not his friends, he doesn’t have friends, no one wants to be around him…

No one was there when he fell in the forest

No one was there and no one is  _ ever _ going to be there and -

Evan turns and runs. 

He doesn’t even know where he’s going at first, but eventually he finds himself in the same bathroom he broke down in after his AP Literature presentation. It’s one of the smaller bathrooms, and people don’t tend to use it because it’s gross and smells kind of weird, but it’s a good place for a meltdown because no one will bother him and no one will see him freaking out and struggling to breathe because he can’t even breathe properly like a fucking normal person because he’s not a normal person and everything’s a fucking mess and he’s so stupid to think he could make friends, think he could  _ have _ friends, think anyone would ever want to spend time with him and - 

“Match your breathing with mine. Can you do that? In for four, out for eight. With me.”

It takes a while for Evan to realize what’s happening. 

To recognize the voice. 

It’s Connor. 

Talking him through a panic attack. 

Just like before. 

The tightness in his chest loosens up, just a little. 

Connor’s voice is soft and steady and slowly, carefully, Evan comes back to himself and can breathe again. It takes him a while, and when he realizes what’s happened, he can’t bring himself to look at Connor. 

He’s completely humiliated. 

It’s quiet for a moment. 

“I didn’t want you to know,” Evan says finally. Something feels heavy inside his stomach. 

“Why?” Connor asks. Evan looks at him, and there’s something like a challenge in his eyes. “Because you thought I’d freak out?”

“No,” Evan blurts out in a rush. “Because I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore and I…” He takes a deep breath and continues. “It’s just a dumb crush, it’s… I know I don’t have a chance, I know she’s way too good for me, I know all of that. I just… I didn’t want you to know because I thought you’d stop talking to me and that’s basically the worst thing I can imagine.”

Connor stares at him for a moment. Something in his face softens. “I still want to be friends with you,” he says. Slowly. Deliberately. “I mean, I don’t really want you to constantly be talking about how hot my sister is or anything, but… you having a crush on my sister doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“It’s just a dumb crush,” Evan insists. “It’s… I don’t know, it’s… I don’t know her, and she doesn’t know me, so it’s… it’s not important. Jared just… he found out, because he’s known me for ages and apparently I’m not subtle, and he’s been teasing me about it since the jazz band concert last semester, and…” Evan shrugs. “I don’t know, I think he’s pissed off that I’m friends with you guys.” Evan swallows. “I guess. I don’t know. I mean, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine.”

“You keep saying that it’s fine,” Connor says, and there’s steel in his voice this time. “It’s not fucking fine, okay? All that shit about his car insurance, and telling me and Sean about your crush on Zoe… that’s not fucking fine. The way he treats you is not fine.”

Evan shrugs again. “It’s kind of… oh god, this is going to sound so stupid and dumb and I swear I’m not trying to do a whole ‘woe is me’ thing here or anything, it’s just that…” He trails off, and tries to collect his thoughts. “It’s better than nothing, you know? It’s better than nothing.”

Connor blinks and looks very, very sad for a moment. “You deserve a lot better.”

Evan doesn’t know if he agrees, but it’s a nice thought. 

* * *

 

It’s a couple of days before Sean decides to bring up the topic of Evan’s crush on Zoe with his twin. 

After Evan had gone white as a sheet then ran off, Connor had told Jared to go fuck himself with a surprising amount of venom then chased after his friend. Sean had been left staring down Jared Kleinman, who looked so proud of himself that it took everything Sean had not to punch him in the face right then and there. 

“Aren’t you going to go check on them?” Jared had said with a smirk. “Pull the whole ‘Saint Murphy’ thing? You know Connor’s gone to kick his ass, right?”

“If Connor’s going to kick anyone’s ass today, it’s going to be yours,” Sean had shot back icily. “What is your problem? Your favorite punching bag isn’t around for you to play with anymore?”

To Jared’s credit, he’d actually looked a little guilty at that comment. For a moment. But then the self-satisfied smirk came right back and Sean once again fought the urge to punch him in his annoying face. 

“I’m just calling it how I see it,” Jared had said, in that fake-friendly tone that made Sean’s blood boil. And with that, he’d left, albeit with a little less insecure swagger than usual. 

Sean hadn’t seen him the rest of the day. At the end of the day, he found Connor and Evan waiting at his locker, and everything seemed to be relatively normal between them, which was definitely a relief. 

Sean thinks being friends with Evan is good for his twin. 

Connor’s never had friends aside from Sean, Alana and Zoe, but being friends with Evan suits him. And it suits Evan, too - he seems more relaxed around Connor, less like he’s constantly bracing himself for some kind of attack. 

The last thing Sean wants is for their friendship to tank because of Jared fucking Kleinman. 

Still, he can’t quite stop thinking about the revelation that Evan’s got a crush on Zoe. Evan and Zoe would probably make a cute couple. Evan’s a nice guy and Sean’s sure he’d treat Zoe well. 

It’s a Sunday afternoon, and Sean and Connor are hanging out. Zoe’s at a friend’s place, Connor’s sprawled across Sean’s bed reading a book and Sean’s at his desk, trying to fight through his AP Biology homework and getting more and more frustrated. Finally, he closes his textbook and puts it down on his desk with more force than intended. 

Connor looks over and frowns a little. “Bio giving you trouble?” he asks. 

Sean groans. “I hate this. I don’t know why I even bother.”

“Evan’s really good at biology,” Connor points out. “If you’re stuck, I’m sure he’d help you out. He’s good at explaining things.”

It’s as good an opening as any. Sean looks at his twin. “I think we should set up Evan and Zoe.”

Connor drops his book. “What?”

“Evan and Zoe,” Sean repeats, warming to his topic. “They’d make a cute couple, I think. What do you think?”

There’s an expression on Connor’s face that Sean can’t quite place, which is jarring in and of itself because he can usually read his twin like a book. “I mean… I guess?”

“He’s a good guy,” Sean says, warming to his topic. “He’d be nice to her. We should talk to them about it. Maybe Alana and I could join them, make it a double date?”

Connor’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Yeah okay, no. Absolutely not. Do  _ not _ do that.”

Sean’s a little taken aback at his brother’s response. “What? Why not?”

“Adding more people to the mix is just going to freak Evan out,” Connor says firmly. “Plus, Alana and Zoe are barely talking. It’s just going to be awkward and weird and make the whole thing a mess.”

Sean has to admit, Connor has a point. “Do you know why Alana and Zoe are being so weird around each other?” he asks, for what’s probably the hundredth time.

Connor shakes his head. “I don’t.”

Sean hesitates. “Would you tell me if you knew?”

Connor just stares at him for a moment, expression disbelieving. “When have I ever kept anything from you? Ever? I mean, there was that time in third grade where I tried to surprise you on our birthday, but other than that… I tell you everything. If I knew what was going on with Alana and Zoe, of course I’d tell you.”

Sean probably deserves the offended look on his twin’s face. “Okay. I’m sorry. I know. It’s just… it’s weird and I can’t figure it out and I don’t like it.”

Connor frowns a little. “I don’t exactly love it, either, but… there’s not a lot either of us can do about it.” He sighs, then rakes his hand through his hair. “Look, the whole Zoe and Evan thing… I don’t even know how you’re supposed to set people up, I really don’t. I guess we could try? I just… what if things went badly and…”

Connor trails off, and Sean just looks at him. “And what?”

Connor looks at his shoes. “I like being friends with Evan, okay? If he dated Zoe and it went badly, he might not want to be friends anymore. And that would suck.”

Sean’s got no idea how to respond to that. 

He remembers, very vividly, when the two of them were in second grade and got put in different classes. Sean didn’t like being separated from his twin but had never found it difficult to make friends. Connor, on the other hand, didn’t cope at all. 

He came home from school that first day in tears, telling Sean that all the other kids were mean and that the teacher didn’t like him. Sean had, very seriously, asked his parents if Connor could come to be in his class, because the teacher was nice and he didn’t like seeing Connor sad. 

Their mom had been tempted to talk to the school but their dad had sat them down and told them, rather bluntly, that they had to learn how to stand on their own. That they each had to learn how to be their own person, that they couldn’t always rely on each other. 

It went on for a couple of months. Connor would come home from school looking more and more defeated. Sean made friends with a kid named Kyle who moved out of state later on that year, and even though he tried to include Connor at recess and any other time they saw each other, nothing seemed to help. One time Sean invited Kyle around to play after school and instead of joining them, Connor hid in his room and refused to talk to Sean for three whole days.

It all came to a head when Connor allegedly threw a printer at the teacher. (To this day, Sean’s not sure how on earth a seven-year-old has the strength to throw a printer. Connor admitted later that he’d gotten mad and pushed it, which sounds much more realistic.) After that, the school finally relented and moved Connor into Sean’s class. Connor stuck to his twin’s side for the rest of the year and didn’t talk to anyone else unless forced. 

Sean thinks back to the conversation they had back in second grade, a few weeks after Connor joined his class. He remembers telling his twin that there were some really nice people in the class, that maybe Connor could be friends with them, too. 

He’s never forgotten Connor’s reply.

“I don’t need friends, I have you.”

It’s not like they’re overly co-dependent or anything. Sean doesn’t think so, at least. Connor and Sean are close, they tell each other everything, but they do have their own lives. When Sean started dating Alana, Connor basically just decided Alana was his friend now, and they all got along fine. Then when Zoe started high school, it kind of became the four of them - not quite “us against the world”, but a definite group. 

Sean’s always been kind of worried about Connor, though. Sean’s got other friends, Alana’s got other friends, Zoe’s got other friends but Connor’s just got the three of them, and even though he seems perfectly content, Sean worries that it’s not enough. 

Hearing him talk about his friendship with Evan, about how this isn’t something he wants to lose…

It must be important. 

It must be really fucking important. 

“You’re staring,” Connor says, his voice a little strained. 

Sean looks back at his twin. “Just thinking,” he says, hoping what he’s thinking isn’t written all over his face but suspects it is. 

Connor looks back at him, opens his mouth to speak, then pushes his hair behind his ear. Sean thinks the length looks good on Connor, but doesn’t think he’s got the patience to grow his hair out to match. 

Maybe in college. 

“It’s not weird,” Connor blurts out. “Me and Evan being friends, it’s not like… weird, or anything. Just because he’s basically my first friend outside of you and Alana and Zoe doesn’t mean that it’s weird. We’re like… we’re normal, just normal friends, it’s not… I don’t like him in a  _ weird _ way.”

Sean blinks. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he admits. 

Connor looks at him, then bites his lip. “We could invite Evan around for a movie night,” he suggests. “A night that Zoe’s home. And she could join us, and then you and I could… I don’t know, leave and get pizza and leave them in the same room and see what happens.” He scrunches up his nose. “Is that how you set people up? I don’t fucking know.”

Sean frowns a little. “What about things going badly and messing up your friendship with Evan?” he asks. 

Connor scowls. “It’s fine. It’s whatever, it’s fine, I don’t… if he likes her, then he should get a shot, I guess.”

“Connor-”

“I’ll text him and set it up for next weekend,” Connor says firmly. “You make sure Zoe’s free and I’ll get Evan over here. Okay? We’ll play Cupid. Whatever.”

There’s something in Connor’s expression and tone that leaves a bad taste in Sean’s mouth. But he knows his brother well enough not to push. 

“Sure. We’ll play Cupid.”

* * *

 

Connor’s kind of irritated at how excited his mom is that he’s bringing a friend over for a movie night. The moment Sean told her what they were planning, she was all enthusiasm and smiles and offering to make cookies and wanting to know if Connor’s friend wanted dinner first and it was so overwhelming that Connor just wanted to leave the room straight away. 

Sean, as always, defused the situation by explaining that they were planning on ordering pizza, that the offer of cookies was very kind but not necessary, and that Evan had anxiety, so as much as he knew their mom had good intentions, they didn’t want to overwhelm their guest. 

Connor wonders, not for the first time, where he’d be without his twin. 

He always managed to make things easier. 

There are so many times when Connor’s just… irritated by things. Stupid things, annoying things, things that other people can deal with. So many times where he’s just irrationally pissed off and angry and completely unable to cope with it like a normal human being. Where he wants to yell and scream and hit things and it feels like he’s losing control of his body, it feels like there’s some kind of horrible monster inside of him and it’s fucking ruining his life. 

Sean’s always there. 

Just being around Sean is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. It’s like Connor’s this hot air balloon full of rage and all of a sudden, Sean can shut it down with a few words and Connor just… deflates. Manages to calm down. 

He has no idea how the fuck his twin does it. 

He doesn’t know who he’d be without it. 

He thinks that without Sean there to keep him steady, the anger and frustration would just swallow him whole. 

Sean gets him. 

Sean understands him. 

Contrary to what his parents and siblings think, and to what he’d always say, Connor doesn’t  _ not _ want to have other friends outside of his siblings and Alana. He just doesn’t think he could cope, being friends with regular people. People whose brains work normally and don’t find themselves trapped in their own head all the time, or irrationally angry all the time, or just plain fucking terrified for no real reason. 

Maybe that’s why he likes Evan so much. 

He recognizes something in Evan. 

He thinks Evan’s scared all the time as well, and he knows how that feels, and while he doesn’t want his friend to be feeling like that, ever, it’s nice to know he’s not alone. Things aren’t easy for Evan. He doesn’t really have friends, either. 

Maybe it’s for the same reason. Maybe it’s because he’s afraid that normal people will see that he’s different. 

Connor likes Evan because he’s different. 

He’s funny and he’s kind and he’s intelligent and a lot of fun to be around, once he’s calmed down a bit, and he’s got nice eyes and nice hair and a nice smile and always smells nice, and Connor is…

Not super okay with the fact that Evan has a crush on his little sister. 

Because it’s possible he’s got a crush on Evan. 

And the whole unrequited love bullshit just isn’t something he thinks he can deal with like a normal person. 

But he wants Evan to be happy, and Sean’s right when he says that Evan would treat Zoe well, and Zoe deserves someone as nice and kind as Evan, especially because she’s seemed… kind of lonely recently. 

So here he is, getting ready for a movie night with his twin, his sister and his only friend, and he feels kind of like he’s getting ready for his own execution, and the weirdest thing about the whole ordeal is that he really, really doesn’t want Sean to know about his possible crush on Evan. Sean’s the captain of the basketball team and has been dating Alana since freshman year and while Connor knows he’d never judge, never think less of him for liking guys instead of girls, it just feels like one more thing that makes Sean the  _ better _ twin, the one their parents are most proud of, and at this point it’s one thing too much. 

Connor doesn’t think he’s ever kept anything from Sean before and he doesn’t like it, but…

It’s not like he’s never going to tell him. He’s just not going to tell him  _ now _ . 

Not until he’d had a bit more time to figure it out for himself. 

“I could make hot chocolate,” Connor’s mom offers as she fluffs cushions in the living room. “Do you know if your friend likes hot chocolate?”

“We’ll ask him when he arrives,” says Sean easily. He’s grabbed some blankets from upstairs and is throwing them on the sofas haphazardly. 

Connor had offered to pick Evan up, but he’d said he was spending the day with his mom and she’d drop him off on the way to her shift. He’d said he’d be arriving around five, and it’s now ten minutes to five, and Connor’s got this weird feeling in his stomach and feels like his head is buzzing. 

Zoe’s sitting cross-legged on the floor, eating M&Ms from the bowl on the coffee table and looking at her phone. She seems utterly unbothered by the whole situation. 

Connor’s kind of jealous. 

Connor hears the front door open, and moments later his dad walks into the living room, Evan trailing nervously behind him. 

Connor’s immediately on edge. 

“Connor, your friend’s here!” says Cynthia with delight. 

“He was just being dropped off as I got home,” Larry explains, “so I figured I’d just let him in.” He goes over to Cynthia and kisses her, then looks around the living room. “Movie night, huh? Sounds like fun.”

“Evan, do you like hot chocolate?” asks Cynthia, genuine curiosity in her tone. “I can make some.”

Evan looks like a deer in the headlights. “I’m fine, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.”

“Have you eaten?” she continues, and Connor tries not to let his irritation show. “I can make you something.”

“We’re going to order pizza,” Sean says. “Remember? We’re all good, you don’t need to worry.”

Larry looks at Sean and winks conspiratorially, then turns back to Cynthia. “Looks like they’ve got everything under control here,” he says warmly. “How about you let me take you out for dinner?”

Connor watches as his dad leads his mom down the hallway, leaving the four of them in peace, then looks back at his twin who looks rather pleased with himself. Once they’re out of earshot, Sean grins and looks around the room. “Mom can be a little intense sometimes, but she means well. I figured it’d be less stressful for Evan if she wasn’t hovering around.”

The look of gratitude on Evan’s face makes Connor feel a little less stressed out about everything. Zoe finally looks up from her phone and waves at Evan, who waves back, albeit a little awkwardly. 

Sean grabs a whole couch to himself, and Evan takes a seat next to Connor. Zoe’s still on the floor, chowing down on M&Ms. The TV’s on and Zoe cues up some ridiculous YouTube video. Evan turns to Connor and smiles. 

“Thanks for inviting me,” he says quietly. “I always like hanging out with you.”

Connor can’t help but smile back. “I like hanging out with you, too.”

“Oh hey,” says Sean from his spot on the other couch. “Evan. I’ve been struggling with the bio homework. Connor says you know your stuff - maybe sometime you could give me a hand with it?”

Evan looks a little startled, but nods, and they start talking about biology for a while, and Connor focuses his attention on the TV, where Zoe’s cued up some Japanese guy cooking with his cats, and it’s all kind of nice and calm and soothing. 

A few minutes later, their parents come back into the room and announce they’re leaving for the evening, and Connor barely has time to say goodbye before his dad is ushering his mom out the front door. He has to hand it to Sean - it’s probably a good idea. 

There’s a discussion about what movie they’re going to watch, which is mostly Sean and Zoe arguing about the merits of the Back to the Future trilogy versus the original Star Wars trilogy. Sean tries to get Evan to choose since he’s the guest but he looks so terrified at the prospect that Connor suggests they rock-paper-scissors for it, which gets another grateful look from Evan. 

In the end, Star Wars wins, and Zoe pouts good-naturedly as Sean does a victory lap of the room, and Evan starts laughing and Connor can’t help but join in and he thinks to himself that this is nice, spending time with three of the people in the world who mean the most to him. 

“Okay, Connor and I are going to get pizza,” Sean announces once he’s finished his victory lap.

“Can’t you just get it delivered?” Zoe points out. 

Sean shakes his head cheerfully. “Nope. I’m getting the good stuff. That place on Main Street doesn’t deliver.”

Zoe’s eyes light up. “Oooh. Is that the place that does the deep-fried cheese?”

Sean laughs. “I’ll get you deep-fried cheese, Zo. Keep Evan company while we’re gone, will you?”

Evan looks absolutely terrified and Connor’s about to tell Sean that he’ll just stay with Evan but before he can get a word in edgewise, Sean’s dragging him out the front door and into his car. 

Once they’re halfway down the street, Connor lets out a deep sigh. “This is a bad idea,” he announces. “I can feel it. Evan’s probably completely freaking out, I’m a terrible friend for just leaving him there in a situation that I know is going to freak him out-”

“Relax,” Sean says soothingly. “You know Zoe’s going to be nice. She’ll probably just put on something funny on YouTube and they’ll get a chance to bond over it. It’s just a chance for them to spend some time alone together. Get to know each other. That’s what tonight’s about.”

Connor does not relax. 

They order a ridiculous amount of pizza and deep fried cheese and garlic bread and all sorts of things and Connor absolutely, one hundred percent does not relax. 

The pizza takes a while to make because they haven’t ordered ahead, which Connor knows is intentional on Sean’s part because he’s trying to give Evan and Zoe some time to get to know each other. Connor knows he should relax but it’s just not happening. 

They’re probably just sitting there in awkward silence. 

Maybe Evan’s just freaked out and left. 

Sean didn’t even give him time to bring his phone, he can’t text and make sure they’re okay. 

What if Evan admits that he likes Zoe and Zoe laughs at him?

She wouldn’t do that, Connor thinks, but it’d be awkward and weird and then the whole evening would be weird, and - 

Oh god. 

What if Evan admits that he likes Zoe and Zoe kisses him?

What if they’re making out on the sofa right now?

What if when they get back with pizza, Connor has to watch his sister kissing his only real friend, who he might possibly have a crush on because not only is he not into sports or popular with his peers like his brother, he’s also not straight, because he just had to be different, didn’t he? 

“It’s going to be fine,” Sean says, cutting through Connor’s rapidly spiraling thoughts. “Whatever happens, it’s going to be fine.”

What feels like a painfully long amount of time later, they get back to the house armed with a whole lot of food. There’s a knot in Connor’s stomach as he follows Sean into the living room. The first thing he notices is laughter. 

Zoe’s still sitting on the floor, but she and Evan are both watching something on the TV screen and they’re both laughing. Connor can hear something that’s kind of R&B but there’s a guy standing in front of some fish in a leather jacket and a security guard and…

“Oh my god, you guys have to see this,” Zoe announces as she sees the twins, then starts the clip over. Evan looks at Connor and smiles, and Connor instantly relaxes, because he doesn’t look like he’s completely traumatized, nor does it seem he’s been making out with his sister, and… 

Why is this guy in the leather jacket wandering around the zoo?

Sean cracks up laughing and that’s enough to make Connor laugh because his twin’s laugh has always been contagious.  Zoe and Evan look at each other and in time with the music, say something about an aquarium and burst out laughing. 

Connor looks at his twin, who just raises his eyebrows knowingly, and…

Okay, so it wasn’t a total disaster. 

It’s not a total disaster. 

Evan’s fine and Zoe’s fine and there’s pizza and they’re going to watch Star Wars and there’s deep-fried cheese and it’s all going to be fine. 

So why does Connor still have a knot in his stomach?

* * *

 

Evan’s seen Star Wars a million times, and even though he’s usually happy to watch it again, he’s struggling to pay attention this time. 

It’s because of Connor. 

Connor, who’s sitting right next to him on the Murphy’s slightly too fancy to be truly comfortable couch, kind of curled into himself and seemingly a million miles away. 

Evan’s still not sure he’s fully got his head around what exactly he’s doing here. 

Connor had invited him around for a movie night, and he’d kind of thought it’d be just the two of them, but when he arrived there were Sean and Zoe, neither of whom showed any signs of leaving, and Evan realized then that this was more of a group thing. 

Which was fine, he supposed, he’d just…

For some reason, he’d thought it would just be him and Connor. 

He’d kind of been looking forward to it. 

Then when Sean announced he was off to get pizza and taking Connor with him, Evan could see that Connor was about to say something but couldn’t make it out before his brother all but forced him out of the door. 

And there he was, all of a sudden, sitting alone in a room with Zoe Murphy. 

Zoe with her star-cuffed jeans and perfect hair, who he’d been crushing on from afar for so long.

It took about a minute for Zoe to break the silence. 

“I think Sean’s trying to set us up,” she said bluntly. “He’s… not subtle.”

Evan legitimately thought he was going to spontaneously combust. “What?” 

Zoe looked at him and bites her lip, then frowned a little. “Look, I… I think you’re really nice. I really do. I just…” She sighed, then looks at her shoes, then looked back at him. “Okay, so I know that saying ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is a total cliche, but in this case that’s… kind of true? I don’t…” She took another deep breath, then looked at him, and her cheeks turned pink and her next words came out in a rush. “I think I might be a lesbian.”

Evan stared at her for a moment. Then blinked. “Okay,” he said finally. “That’s… that’s cool.”

Zoe buried her face in her hands. “Oh god, I’ve never actually said that out loud,” she admitted. It was like the words were spilling out of her, like she couldn’t help it. “I just… there’s this girl, and she’s… completely off limits, in a major, major way, and I can’t stop thinking about her and she’s the only person I’ve ever really liked like  _ that _ and so I guess that means I’m a lesbian? I don’t know. I just know that I like her, a lot more than I should, and it’s… it’s kind of ruining my life, actually.”

A couple of things started to fall into place. Evan couldn’t quite help saying what he said next. “It’s Alana, isn’t it.”

Zoe stared at him, eyes wide and glossy. “You can’t tell my brothers,” she said firmly. “You can’t tell them any of this, I don’t even know why I’m telling you, I don’t even know you, I…” 

And then she burst into tears. 

And before he could stop himself, Evan slid off the couch and sat next to her on the floor. “I’m not going to tell them,” he said gently. “And I know we don’t know each other, but it seems like you needed to tell someone, so… do you feel better having said it out loud?”

Zoe nodded and went to wipe her face with her sleeve. Evan fumbled around in his bag for a packet of Kleenex and handed it to her. She took it with a mumbled thank you and dried her eyes. 

Evan still isn’t sure what possessed him to say what he said next, but he still can’t bring himself to regret it. 

“My mom found this TV show that she likes to watch when she has time,” Evan said to Zoe conversationally. “It’s kind of weird - it’s a musical? So the characters just burst into song like, three times an episode. Anyway, there’s this arc where this guy who’s like, in his forties, realizes that he’s bisexual, and he does a whole song and dance number about it.” Evan looked at Zoe, then continued. “It made me realize that it’s not just gay and straight. That maybe I might… like both girls and guys.” 

Zoe stared at him for a moment. “You like both girls and guys?” she echoed. 

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I mean. I think so. I’ve definitely had crushes on both girls and guys. I kind of thought I was just… really bad at being gay or really bad at being straight, but then this guy was like… singing and there was a saxophone and I thought ‘oh, okay, that kind of makes sense’.”

Zoe blinked. “Your revelation about your sexuality involved a guy playing the saxophone?”

“In front of a giant bisexual flag.”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “I have to see this. Is it on YouTube?”

“Actually, yeah.”

Zoe handed him her phone and he searched on the YouTube app for the song, then got Zoe to cue it onto the television. He watched Zoe’s expression as she watched this truly ridiculous musical number and had to laugh as she started cracking up. 

“Oh my god, this is brilliant. Is the whole show like this?”

“I have some favorites, do you want to see?”

They’d spent the next twenty minutes or so watching the musical numbers from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Zoe seemed a lot lighter. After a while, Evan sat back on the couch and offered Zoe a seat, but she shook her head, saying she preferred the floor because it was closer to the food. 

“Thank you for listening,” Zoe said after a few numbers. “And for not… freaking out, I guess.”

Evan felt… strangely okay, he’d realized. He’d thought that knowing without a doubt that he had no chance with Zoe would be a letdown, a huge disappointment, would completely crush him, but the more time he spent with Zoe, the more he realized that… he hadn’t really known her at all. 

He’d been admiring her from afar. He’d had a crush on the idea of her. 

Now he thought he’d like to be her friend. 

“Do you like Connor?” Zoe asked out of the blue. 

“He’s my best friend.”

Zoe snorted. “You know what I mean.”

Evan didn’t know how to answer that. 

Evan still doesn’t know how to answer that. 

He’s sitting next to Connor, watching Star Wars, and Zoe’s near his feet eating her body weight in melted cheese, and Sean’s doing a terrible Darth Vader impression from the other sofa, and it’s nice and comfortable and would be almost perfect if Evan wasn’t acutely aware that Connor isn’t really here. 

They make it through the entire original trilogy and three whole pizzas and garlic bread and lots of M&Ms and a whole lot of soda and Evan tries to let himself get lost in the story and ignore the fact that there’s something wrong with Connor, that he feels out of place sitting next to him for the first time since they started their friendship. 

At some point, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy come home, say hi and then head upstairs. Sean makes some ridiculous comment about date night and Zoe throws a cushion at him. Connor barely notices. 

It’s nearly 2 in the morning by the time they finish. Zoe announces she’s heading to bed and smiles at Evan widely before leaving the room. Sean kind of mumbles from the couch where he’s sprawled out and it takes a moment for Evan to realize he’s on the verge of sleep. 

He looks at Connor. “I can walk home,” he offers. 

Connor kind of starts. “It’s the middle of the night,” he points out. “I can drive you.” 

“It’s okay-”

“Evan,” Connor interrupts, his voice firm. “I’m not letting you walk home alone in the middle of the night. It’s like a half an hour walk to get to your house.”

“You’re not too tired to drive?” 

Connor shrugs. “I’m fine.” He stands up and fumbles around in his pockets, then frowns and walks over to Sean and shakes him a little. “Give me your keys, I’m driving Evan home.”

“Get your own,” Sean mumbles. 

“They’re upstairs. I’ll just take your car.”

“Let me sleep.”

“Sean, I know your keys are in your pocket.”

Sean sighs dramatically. “Fine.” With that, he pulls his keys out of his pocket, then hands them to Connor and flops back on the couch. 

Connor sighs. “You know you’re just going to hurt your back if you sleep on the couch.”

“Yes, mom.”

“Dickhead. I’ll drag you upstairs when I get back.”

With that, Connor heads toward the front door, and Evan follows behind him. Once they’re outside, Connor seems to relax a little, and Evan almost feels like things are back to normal. 

Almost. 

Zoe’s words are repeating over and over in his head. 

_ “Do you like Connor?” _

Evan doesn’t know. 

Maybe he does.

And isn’t that just super fucked up, considering that Connor thinks he’s got a crush on his sister?

Connor’s funny and smart and kind and sarcastic and is all tall and angular and Evan likes his long hair and his kind of goofy ears and the little bit of brown in his eyes. He likes his long legs and his smile and the way he’s always gentle with Evan, always trying to make sure things are easier for him. 

Connor gets him. 

Evan thinks that things aren’t always easy for Connor, but in a different way to the way things aren’t easy for him. They’re not the same, but there’s something there that resonates, that connects them, that makes it so it’s easy for them to talk and spend time together and…

Evan doesn’t know if the feelings he has for Connor are more than friendship because he’s never really had a proper friend. 

But he doesn’t know that they’re definitely not. 

“So,” Connor says once they’re in the car. “Sean, uh, wanted you to have some time to get to know Zoe a bit. Was it… was it okay?”

Evan looks at Connor for a moment. He looks… nervous. 

“Zoe’s great,” Evan says. “She’s really great. I think we could be friends? But… I don’t think we’ll be any more than that. She, uh… she likes someone else.”

Connor’s eyes widen a little. “She told you that?”

“She insinuated,” Evan half-lies. “She, uh, she figured out that Sean was trying to… you know, set us up.”

Connor sighs. “Fuck. I knew he wasn’t being subtle. Jesus fuck, I’m sorry, it must have been super awkward.”

“It was fine,” Evan assures him. “Zoe’s cool. We, uh, we get along. It’s… it’s nice to get to know her as a person, you know? My dumb crush on her was before I really knew her. Not that I know her super well now or anything, but it’s… you know, it’s different when you never really talk to someone and just see them from afar or pass them in the halls at school but when you get to spend time with them, you realize that they’re different than what you’d made them out to be in your head, you know?” 

“Yeah,” Connor says. 

The one-word response hangs there in the air, like it’s trying to say so much more. 

When they arrive at Evan’s house, it’s completely dark and his mom’s car is nowhere to be seen. 

“Is your mom still at work?” Connor asks. 

Evan nods. “Yeah, she’s working a night shift,” he says. 

“So it’s just you at home?” Connor clarifies. 

Evan nods again. “I’m… I’m used to it,” he says. 

Connor looks deeply sad for a moment. “Must be lonely.”

“Yeah,” he admits. “A little.”

“If your mom is never home, we’ll have to throw a kegger sometime,” Connor jokes weakly. 

Evan smiles a little, but it doesn’t quite sit on his face right. He just… has to know what’s going on with his friend. 

“Are we okay?” he blurts out. “You’ve been… I don’t know, during the movie, you were kind of… not really there.”

“We’re fine,” Connor assures him. “It’s just… the whole thing with Sean trying to set up you and Zoe was… I didn’t want to lose you over it.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Evan replies, his voice firm. “You’re… you’re really important to me. I don’t… I’d never want to do anything to make you feel like you don’t matter.”

“You didn’t do anything,” he says, his voice equally firm. “I’m just bad at sharing, I guess.”

Evan smiles. “If it’s any consolation, I thought tonight was just going to be the two of us,” he admits. At the slightly stunned look on Connor’s face, he feels like he needs to explain himself. “Not that I don’t like your siblings, but… I like you more.”

Connor’s staring at him with an expression that’s something like wonder, and Evan can feel his heart starting to hammer quickly in his chest, and it’s not that he doesn’t know why, it’s just that he’s not quite sure his brain and his heart have caught up with each other yet. 

“I  _ like _ you,” says Connor quietly. “More than I should. And I know you like Zoe-”

“I don’t want to talk about your sister,” Evan interrupts, because he feels like it’s important to make the distinction that he’s here with Connor because he wants to be and the way he feels about Connor is miles away from his dumb crush on Zoe, and…

He’s not sure who closes the distance between them because his brain shuts down the minute Connor’s lips meet his. 

Evan feels like he’s floating, like he’s having some kind of out-of-body experience, because he can’t possibly be sitting in a parked car in his driveway, kissing Connor Murphy. 

It’s just not possible. 

It’s just not the kind of thing that happens to him. 

But it’s nearly three in the morning and the air is crisp and still, and time feels hazy and unfocused like anything could happen. Like the tiniest, most insignificant moments taken on a higher meaning.

And this moment is the furthest from tiny and insignificant that it’s possible to get. 

Evan’s aware that what he thinks is happening right now might not be real. 

But he really hopes it is. 


	2. The Murphy Twins: Part II

It’s going to be a long day. 

 

Sean’s on a bus headed for Washington DC for a Model UN event with a dozen or so of his classmates. Alana’s sitting next to him, textbook on her lap, her head on his shoulder. She’d fallen fast asleep after about an hour of driving, despite assuring him that she saw the drive as an excellent opportunity to get caught up on some reading. 

 

They did start the drive at 5 in the morning, so Sean’s not exactly surprised she’s fallen asleep. Half the bus is napping. 

 

He’d probably be napping too if it weren’t for the fact that his stomach is still churning after arguing with his brother last night. It’s unsettling, it’s like being doused in cold water and it’s keeping him awake even though he’s ridiculously tired. 

 

Sean hadn’t really slept. 

 

In hindsight, he should have realized there was something going on with Connor. He’d seemed happier, but also more on edge than usual, and Sean had been so busy with basketball and school and prep for this Model UN trip that he just hadn’t had the time to worry about it. 

 

He’d gotten home from the library last night and seen the light on under his twin’s door, so had let himself into Connor’s room, as always. 

 

Only to find that his brother wasn’t alone but was, in fact, making out with a disheveled-looking Evan Hansen. 

 

“What the fuck?” he’d said without even realizing it. 

 

Evan practically jumped out of his skin and moved away from Connor like he’d been electrocuted, and Connor just kind of stared at Sean for a moment, then narrowed his eyes at his twin. 

 

“What the fuck do  _ you _ mean ‘what the fuck?’, what the fuck are  _ you _ doing in here?” 

 

“I saw you were up, I just wanted to say goodnight before I head off to DC tomorrow morning,” Sean said, trying to keep his tone even. 

 

Seeing his brother making out with his friend wasn’t something he’d expected. It was embarrassing and weird and completely out of the blue and…

 

“How long have you guys been… doing this?”

 

Evan kind of frowned and looked at his watch. “I got here about six,” he said awkwardly. 

 

“I mean in general,” Sean insisted, looking at Connor. “Was it before or after that movie night with Zoe?”

 

Connor’s cheeks turned red. There was a look of fury on his face that Sean recognized but had never seen directed at him. “What does it matter? It’s none of your business.”

 

“I didn’t even know you liked guys!” Sean replied heatedly. “Don’t you think that’s something you should have maybe mentioned? You let me go on and on like some kind of an idiot about setting up Evan and Zoe… what the hell?”

 

“What was I supposed to say?” Connor shot back impatiently. “You were so sure you knew what was best for them, you were so sure they’d be a cute couple and we all know that you’re always right, you’re always the one with the good ideas.”

 

“Did you think I’d freak out?” Sean said irritably. “Do you honestly think so little of me that you didn’t want to tell me you liked Evan because you thought I’d freak out and be a homophobic asshole about it?”

 

“I don’t have to tell you everything!”

 

“But you always do! You always have! Why was this different?”

 

Evan looked between them, eyes wide, looking deeply uncomfortable. “I can go,” he offered.

 

Connor didn’t seem to hear him. “Can’t I just have one thing that’s mine? That’s just mine? We don’t have to share everything. I didn’t freak out when you started dating Alana.”

 

“Because I told you I was going to ask her out,” Sean argued. “You didn’t have to just walk in on us making out.”

 

“Well if you hadn’t just barged into my room-”

 

“When have I ever not just barged into your room?”

 

“GUYS.”

 

They turned around to see Zoe in the doorframe, a deep frown on her face. 

 

Connor let out a sigh of exasperation. “Oh great. Let’s get another Murphy in on this.”

 

Zoe sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on-”

 

“Connor and Evan are hooking up,” Sean interrupted. “And have been for… what, six weeks now?”

 

“And that’s none of my business,” said Zoe firmly. “Or yours. And definitely not something you need to be screaming at each other about. You’re lucky you didn’t wake up Mom, it’s nearly midnight.”

 

Sean looked at Evan and Connor in exasperation. “You’ve been making out for six hours?”

 

Evan flushed bright pink. “I mean, we did do the math homework.”

 

“Sean,” said Zoe, her tone warning. “Are you being an asshole about Connor liking guys? Because… that’s not cool. Like, at all. I’d expect better from you.”

 

Sean just stared at his sister. “Why is everyone accusing me of being homophobic?” he practically yelled. “I’m not! It’s got nothing to do with the fact that Connor’s gay or whatever, it’s that he didn’t  _ tell _ me.” He looked back at his twin, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Connor looked at him, his expression stony. “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

 

“But you always-”

 

“Quit making this about you! Everything is always about you!”

 

“Both of you, shut the fuck up,” Zoe snapped. “Sean, go to bed, you’ve got to get up crazy early tomorrow for your trip.” She sighed. “Evan, do you want a ride home?”

 

“I’ll drive my boyfriend home myself, thanks,” Connor shot back. 

 

Evan just stared at Connor for a moment. “I’m your boyfriend?” 

 

Connor’s whole face softened at that. “I mean, if you want to be.”

 

Evan blinked. “Yes. Obviously.” 

 

They’d smiled at each other and Zoe had all but dragged him out of the room and...

 

Sean remembers watching the two of them and realizing that he’d never seen Connor so… vulnerable around a person who wasn’t him or Zoe. 

 

Six weeks. 

 

That was when they had the movie night with Zoe. 

 

Looking back on it, Sean’s pretty convinced they hadn’t been together then, but it probably didn’t happen long after that. Connor’s been… happier, more relaxed, but more withdrawn, and…

 

Fuck. 

 

Sean knows he’s fucked this up in a major, major way. 

 

He’d just…

 

He doesn’t understand why Connor wouldn’t tell him. 

 

It’s clearly important to him. Evan is clearly very, very important to him. That much Sean can be sure of, and has been sure of since the two of them became friends. 

 

His twin’s words keep ringing in his ears. 

 

_ Quit making this about you! Everything is always about you! _

 

_ Can’t I just have one thing that’s mine? _

 

Sean doesn’t… he doesn’t want to make everything about him. 

 

He doesn’t. 

 

But their entire lives, it’s been…

 

Well, Connor’s kind of just… followed him around. It’s not that Sean thinks he’s better than his twin by any stretch, but it’s always just been… accepted that Sean’s the one with drive and ambition and Connor’s just focused on his books and reading and…

 

Sean wants Connor to have things that are his. 

 

Sean wants Connor to have everything. 

 

Sean hates the idea that Connor’s kept this from him, kept from him something that should be exciting and happy and positive and…

 

The minute Sean found out about Evan and Connor, the first thing he did was yell. 

 

Fuck. 

 

No wonder Connor’s pissed. 

 

He probably hates him. 

 

Connor hates a lot of people, but Sean’s never been one of them. 

 

Sean doesn’t sleep for any of the bus ride, and once they get to their hotel in DC, he doesn’t really sleep that night, either. 

 

The Model UN conference is the last thing Sean wants to be doing right now, when all he can think about is how he’s been a total asshole to his brother and he’s miles away and can’t make it up to him, but the day is busy and full of activity and at the very least, it should keep his mind off things. 

 

He’s making himself what’s possibly his third cup of coffee at the refreshment table and there’s someone next to him who reaches for a cup then stares right at him, an expression of absolute shock on her face. 

 

She’s Hispanic and very pretty with dark hair and dark eyes. Her hair is in perfectly controlled waves and she’s dressed in a sweater and skirt combo that look expensive and preppy. 

 

And she looks like she’s seen a ghost. 

 

“Are you alright?” Sean asks, frowning a little. 

 

“Ben?”

 

Sean feels his frown deepen. “My name’s Sean Murphy,” he says, gesturing to his nametag. 

 

“You look just like him,” she says, and it’s like she’s trapped in a memory, and her eyes are starting to gloss over with tears, and people are looking at them with curiosity and Sean doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s not about to let this poor girl burst into tears with people staring at her. 

 

He gestures for her to follow him and they head out into the mostly abandoned lobby, where he scouts around to find somewhere for them to sit. By the time they’re sitting down, the girl is silently but visibly crying, and Sean fumbles around in his satchel for a packet of Kleenex.

 

Sean hands her the Kleenex and she takes one out and wipes her face immediately, but she still doesn’t seem to be able to stop the tears from flowing. There’s a look on her face of utter frustration, like she doesn’t want to be seen like this, like she’s completely embarrassed and can’t quite understand why she can’t just stop crying at will. 

 

Sean recognizes that expression well. He remembers it from when Alana’s Grandma died, and she’d burst into tears at the funeral and been so embarrassed about it she just wouldn’t stop apologizing for nearly a week. 

 

“It’s okay,” Sean says, a little helplessly, because he’s not sure what else to say at this point. “You… you don’t have to be embarrassed, it’s okay if you need to cry.”

 

“You look exactly like him,” she says again, wiping her face frantically. “It’s like… it’s like looking at a ghost.”

 

There’s a tightness in his chest that’s been there since this girl first laid eyes on him. “I look like someone who’s… gone?” he ventures, a little uncomfortably. 

 

The girl nods. “Ben,” she says gently. “He was my boyfriend. We were together for two years and… the day before senior year started, he killed himself.”

 

Sean feels the tightness in his chest increase. “I’m so sorry,” he says, and means every word. 

 

“I’m Pippa,” she offers, wiping her face again. “I’m… fuck, this is so embarrassing, I’m so sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Sean assures her. “It’s… that’s really rough, I couldn’t… I couldn’t imagine losing someone I cared about like that.”

 

“It’s been months,” she says, working the damp Kleenex between her fingers. “I should… I should be over it, I should be able to function and exist and not fall apart every time I even think of him or see someone who looks like him, I…”

 

“There’s no time limit on grief,” says Sean gently. “You’re allowed to take all the time you need. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel.” 

 

Pippa nods a little, then starts ripping the piece of Kleenex into pieces. She’s looking at her hands, pointedly not looking at Sean, and Sean’s not sure what to do or so when she finally speaks again. 

 

“I think it’s my fault he died.”

 

Sean’s heart clenches painfully. “Pippa, I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

“We’d been dating for a year,” she says, her voice pained,  “and I was approached by this scientist who said he was scouting for promising young talent. I’m going to be a doctor, and I’ve done some internships during summer, so I guess I was on their radar or whatever.” She takes a deep breath. “They wanted me to be part of a study. To observe a subject and report back on their decisions, their well being… everything.” She looks at Sean, blinks away the tears and bites her lip. “Ben was the subject. They said it was because he was an IVF baby. The whole thing was that I wasn’t supposed to tell him.”

 

There’s a dark, cold pit in his stomach at this girl’s words. “That’s… intense.”

 

Pippa’s eyes well up with tears. “I never did. I never told him. I did what they asked me to do. But somewhere along the line, he got… distant. I think… I think he knew what I was doing, but he never said anything, and…” She wipes her face with the wet, ragged piece of Kleenex and continues. “His parents are the worst. Like, actually the worst. They’ve been travelling since he was thirteen and they’re never home. He’s all alone in this apartment in New York and…” Pippa looks at Sean, and the sadness in her eyes is like a bullet to the gut. “The coroner’s report said he’d been dead for a week when they found the body. No one… no one was looking for him. No one…”

 

Pippa starts to sob in earnest now, and Sean puts a tentative arm around her shoulder, and she curls up against him and cries her heart out. Sean knows she’s going to ruin his dress shirt but it’s uncomfortable anyway and he doesn’t care, he just…

 

That poor guy. 

 

Poor Ben. 

 

A whole week before anyone found his body. 

 

A whole week. 

 

“It’s not your fault,” Sean says as gently as he can manage. “It sounds like… it sounds like things weren’t great for him, that he was really hurting. I’m sorry you lost him.”

 

Pippa pulls away and wipes her face with what’s left of the Kleenex. Sean hands her another one from his bag and she takes it with a murmured thank you. “You look so much like him,” she says, her voice ragged. She looks at him and kind of tries to smile. “You sure you don’t have a twin?”

 

“Actually, I do,” Sean admits. “His name’s Connor. We’re identical.” He kind of chuckles a bit. “I’m no stranger to people thinking I’m someone else.”

 

Pippa stares at him for a long moment, then pulls her phone out of her pocket. She takes a moment to go through something, then shows Sean the screen. 

 

It’s a picture of Pippa and a guy who looks exactly like him. 

 

Same ears. Same eyes. Same nose. Same chin. It’s like looking in a mirror, or looking at Connor, and it’s… 

 

Completely uncanny.

 

“Whoa.”

 

Pippa sniffs. “This is… this was Ben.”

 

Sean can’t stop staring at the image of the boy in the photo. He styles his hair a bit differently, but it looks just like him, all the way down to the tiny bit of brown in the corner of his eye. “I can see why you reacted the way you did when you saw me.”

 

Pippa nods, then looks at him, frowning a little. “You’re not… you’re not related or anything, are you?” she asks tentatively. “Maybe you’re distant relatives or something.”

 

“What’s his last name?”

 

“Childs. His name was Ben Childs.”

 

Sean shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ll ask my parents when I get home.”

 

Pippa nods again, wipes her face one more time, then takes a moment to collect herself. “We should get back in there.”

 

“Are you going to be okay?” Sean asks. 

 

Pippa nods, a little grimly. “I’m going to have to be.”

 

* * *

 

The whole time that Sean’s away for his Model UN crap, he doesn’t text Connor once. 

 

No dumb jokes, no pictures of cute dogs - complete radio silence. 

 

It’s affecting Connor more than he cares to admit. 

 

Dickhead. 

 

A part of Connor’s brain is screaming at him. Who does Sean think he is, making a huge deal out of the fact that Connor hadn’t told him about Evan? What makes him think he’s entitled to know everything about him?

 

Another part of his brain, the part that sounds maddeningly like the voice of reason that is his brother, is reminding him that Sean’s absolutely right - Connor does tell him everything. 

 

He wants to be mad. He wants to hold on to being mad, because if he’s mad then for the first time ever, he’s right. He’s the one who’s in the right here. 

 

But he can’t deny the truth of the matter.

 

Which is that he’s felt guilty about not telling Sean about Evan for weeks. 

 

Connor almost told Sean when he got back from driving Evan home after the movie night. After nearly twenty minutes of kissing, Evan had reluctantly admitted he needed some sleep but they could hang out the next day. Connor had driven back to the house with a stupid smile on his face, warmth spreading through his chest, and his first thought was that he had to tell Sean. 

 

When he got home, he found Sean snoring on the couch. He shook him awake and all but dragged him off the couch and up the stairs so he wouldn’t hurt his back. Sean had been pretty tired but obediently did what he was told, albeit half asleep. 

 

“Did Zoe and Evan get a chance to talk?” Sean had asked blearily from the doorway of his room. 

 

It had hit Connor like a ton of bricks then. 

 

Right. 

 

Sean knew that Evan had a crush on Zoe. 

 

He couldn’t just… tell Sean he and Evan had kissed. 

 

Connor hadn’t answered, he’d just told Sean to go to bed, which he’d done dutifully. 

 

The next day he and Evan talked. About Zoe, about Sean, about what they were going to do next. Connor had suggested that they not be together publicly at school, and Evan had agreed. 

 

“It’s not that I’m ashamed of you,” Connor rushed to explain. “It’s just that… people are assholes, and it’s not their business.”

 

“I’m with you on that one,” said Evan with a wry laugh. “Jared would be insufferable if he found out.”

 

“I still have no idea why you put up with that guy.”

 

“Honestly? Neither do I.”

 

Evan hadn’t been quite as cool with them keeping their relationship from Sean, though. 

 

“You guys are close,” Evan said with a frown. “Like, really close. Are you sure you want to keep it from him? I don’t mind if he knows.”

 

Connor sighed. “I don’t… it’s not like I’ll never tell him, I just need some time to get my head around it all. This is… new for me. I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with dating or relationships or whatever.”

 

“Me neither,” Evan admitted. “I’m probably going to be really shit at this.”

 

“Same.” 

 

“Guess it’s a good thing we’re both on the same page, huh?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Even though the confrontation had been messy and awful, at least his twin knows about Evan now. Connor wishes it had been on his own terms, but at least it’s out in the open. The only people who matter who don’t know are his parents, so Connor decides to tell them over dinner on the second night of Sean’s trip to DC. 

 

“Mom, I’m gay. Could you pass the mashed potatoes?”

 

Zoe, who’s drinking a glass of water, spits it out all over her chicken. 

 

There’s a stunned silence at the dinner table. 

 

Connor stands up and reaches for the mashed potatoes himself. 

 

“Cool,” he says as he puts some on his plate. “Glad to know where we stand here.”

 

“Thank you for telling us,” his mom says finally. “Your dad and I love you no matter what. You just took us by surprise a little.”

 

“Heck of a way to announce it,” says his dad, looking a little bit uncomfortable. 

 

“Sorry, were you expecting something a little more colorful?” Connor says, feeling a little annoyed for some reason. “Like a cloud of rainbow glitter, or maybe a confetti cannon?”

 

“Not exactly,” his dad says, slicing into his chicken. “I just wasn’t aware that coming out involved talking about vegetables.”

 

Connor thinks his dad is trying to make a joke, but it’s not quite sitting right. He looks at Zoe, and she shoots him a warning look, and Connor feels anger bubbling up inside him, and he wants to scream and yell and swear at his parents, because this is fucking important and…

 

If Sean were here, he’d be able to diffuse the situation and make everyone feel better about things. 

 

Everyone at this table knows that. Connor can feel it in his bones. 

 

If Sean were here, things would be better. 

 

Not for the first time in his life, he finds himself wondering what his twin would do in this situation. 

 

“I just thought you guys should know,” says Connor as steadily as he can. He scoops up some mashed potato with a fork and shoves it in his mouth. 

 

Larry clears his throat. “Thank you. For telling us.”

 

They sit in an awkward silence for a while, all four of them eating. It takes a few moments before his mom speaks again. 

 

“Your friend Evan… is he your boyfriend?”

 

Connor looks straight at her. “Yes.”

 

“Well, I think he’s very nice,” says Cynthia, and the tone of her voice brokers no argument, and the rest of the meal continues more or less as normal. 

 

Later that night, there’s a knock on his door. He calls out for whoever it is to come in, and is greeted with the sight of his sister, looking a little nervous. 

 

“What’s up?” Connor asks.

 

Zoe comes in and sits on the end of Connor’s bed, legs crossed. “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re really brave.”

 

Connor snorts. “Sure.”

 

Zoe rolls her eyes. “I’m serious,” she insists. “Coming out to Mom and Dad… it’s a big deal.”

 

Connor shrugs. “I guess.” He sighs. “I mean, they’re a little clueless sometimes, but… I knew they wouldn’t, like, kick me out for being gay or any of that shit.”

 

“Yeah, but…” Zoe bites her lip, then looks back at it. “They’ll look at you differently now.”

 

Connor shrugs again. “I’ve always been the different one, though. We all know I’m the family disappointment.”

 

Zoe narrows her eyes. “Don’t say that.”

 

“Why not? It’s true. I’m not as driven as Sean, I’m not sporty, I don’t have tons of friends.”

 

“You’re not a disappointment, Connor.” Zoe takes a deep breath and continues. “I know I didn’t… I just found out about you and Evan, you didn’t get the chance to just tell me. So I wanted to tell you that you’re not the only one. I’m pretty sure I’m gay, too.”

 

Connor kind of blinks for a moment. 

 

That was… not what he was expecting. 

 

“Okay,” he says. Something occurs to him. “Do you have a thing for Alana? Is that why you’re so weird around her now?”

 

Zoe goes bright pink. “Fuck,” she mutters. “I’ve got to… I need to get that under control.” She looks at him, her eyes wide. “You can’t tell Sean.”

 

“It’s not my news to tell,” says Connor honestly. He kind of frowns for a moment. “Alana’s been weird around you, too. Did… did something happen?”

 

“No,” says Zoe. The response is almost too quick. “No, it’s not like that, it’s just… I don’t know, maybe she’s figured it out, but we can’t tell Sean. It’s just not fair to him.” She lets out a slightly bitter laugh. “I hate myself enough already for having a crush on my brother’s girlfriend, I don’t need him knowing about it.”

 

“I don’t think he’d freak out,” Connor replies, a little hesitantly. 

 

Zoe crosses her arms. “He sure as hell freaked out when he walked in on you and Evan.”

 

“That wasn’t… it wasn’t because of the gay thing,” Connor says, and as it says it he knows it’s true. “He just… I think he was hurt I didn’t tell him myself. That he had to find out the way he did.”

 

Zoe hugs her arms tighter across her chest, like she’s trying to protect herself. “I don’t want him to know I like Alana. It’d… it’d be bad. It’d be really bad.”

 

“I won’t tell him,” Connor promises. 

 

On the day Sean gets back from his trip, he knocks on Connor’s door. Connor debates just ignoring him, but eventually gets up and lets his twin in. 

 

He knew it would be Sean. 

 

“How was DC?” he asks, a little awkwardly. 

 

“Weird,” Sean admits. “But never mind that. I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for reacting the way I did when I found out about you and Evan.”

 

Connor sighs. “I’m sorry I kept it from you.”

 

Sean shakes his head. “No, you had every right to. It’s… it’s got to be overwhelming, right? It was new and maybe a bit scary and… you don’t have to tell me everything. And of course I want you to have things that are just yours.”

 

“Evan’s not a thing,” Connor says, a little sheepishly. That’s been bugging him since their confrontation. “He’s… he’s really fucking important to me, and I wanted to tell you but after the whole thing with Zoe it just seemed… I just couldn’t figure out where to start.”

 

“I shouldn’t have yelled,” Sean says, his voice heavy. “I… fuck, I know people are assholes and that even though we’re all supposed to be all progressive and shit that people are still complete dicks about same-sex relationships and I should have been supportive.”

 

“Sean, I get it,” Connor tries to explain. “I get that it wasn’t about the fact that Evan’s a guy. It was about the fact that I didn’t tell you.” He frowns. “I don’t like keeping things from you.”

 

“But you shouldn’t feel like…” Sean trails off, then starts again, clearly frustrated with himself. “I shouldn’t act like I’m entitled to every part of your life. We’re our own people. Even though we’re twins, we’re… we’re not the same.”

 

“No, we’re not the same,” Connor says quietly. “But you’re the most important person in my life. You know that, right?”

 

Sean blinks a few times, then pulls Connor into a hug. “You’re the most important person in my life, too.”

 

“I hate fighting with you.”

 

“Yeah, I’m not a fan.”

 

Eventually they break apart and Sean flops down on the edge of Connor’s bed. He looks at Connor significantly. 

 

“So,” he says, the corners of his lips curling into a smile, “how’s Evan?”

 

Connor sits down next to him and hits him with a pillow. Sean cracks up laughing. 

 

“Evan’s good,” Connor says after a while. “He’s… he’s going to come around after school tomorrow. So we can all hang out. I think he’s glad that you know about us now.”

 

“Playing third wheel with my brother and his boyfriend is everything I’ve ever wanted in life.”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

Sean laughs again, and Connor looks at him. He looks… drained. Exhausted. Connor can’t help but feel a little concerned. 

 

“You okay?”

 

Sean nods, then kind of shrugs. “I guess. Something… something weird happened on the trip.”

 

Connor frowns. “Weird how?”

 

Sean takes a deep breath and starts to explain. 

 

* * *

 

It’s the first day of winter break, and Evan’s mom has picked up an extra shift, so he’s resigned himself to being home alone for the day. It’s one of those days where everything feels heavy, like he’s trying to walk against the tide, where there’s a buzzing in his head and he kind of just wants to sleep all day.

 

He’s got his cast off. It’s been off for nearly a month. For some reason, his arm hurts today.

 

It’s grey and raining and cold and they don’t have great heating, so he’s just curled up in his room, trying to read a book, except it’s hard to concentrate and everything feels like it’s happening too fast but too slow at the same time, and he knows he should get up and try to do something but that seems completely overwhelming, so he’s just going to stay where he is. 

 

Most of the time, Evan just stays where he is. 

 

He never really goes anywhere. 

 

There’s a notification on his phone, then another, then another, and he doesn’t know if he can really deal with people right now but doesn’t want to be rude, doesn’t want to just ignore whoever it is who’s trying to get hold of him, and really, shouldn’t he be happy that people actually text him now? 

 

He picks up his phone to see three messages from Connor. 

 

**Connor**

_ How’s your first day of break? _

_ Are you and your mom hanging out? _

_ I think you said she had the day off  _

 

Evan frowns, and debates just… not responding. Finally, he actually manages to get a message. 

 

**Evan**

_ She picked up an extra shift so I’m just reading _

_ Hope you’re having a good break _

 

The response is almost instant. 

 

**Connor**

_ You’re by yourself? _

_ Do you want to come hang out with us? _

_ Sean has plans for a Marvel marathon _

_ I could pick you up _

 

Evan immediately regrets having said anything. He doesn’t want to get out of his pajamas. He doesn’t want to leave the house. He doesn’t want to do anything except curl up in bed in this slightly too cold room and just… try not to exist for a while. 

 

But that’s probably not the healthiest way of thinking. He knows what his therapist would say. He’d say that it’s probably not great for him to be alone right now. 

 

He’d probably be right. 

 

**Evan**

_ Okay _

_ Can you give me like an hour? _

 

It takes him nearly ten minutes to get out of bed. He debates having a shower but he doesn’t think he can muster up the energy. He gets changed into jeans and a hoodie, puts on his shoes and heads down to the kitchen, with the intention of getting something to eat before Connor comes to pick him up. 

 

Then he just kind of… sits there. 

 

He should text Connor and tell him not to bother. 

 

He should go back to bed. 

 

He should just… sit in this chair and see if by not moving at all, he can cease to exist entirely. 

 

After what feels like no time at all, there’s a knock at the door. Evan goes to answer it, trying to fight against the fact that his feet feel like lead, and there’s Connor, pink cheeked from the cold, wearing a thick blue scarf. Connor smiles at him and leans down to kiss him, and Evan wishes he’d brushed his teeth, but he hadn’t even been able to manage that, and Connor’s going to think he’s so gross, and…

 

Connor frowns a little, then reaches out and puts a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Not a good day, huh?” 

 

Evan shakes his head. 

 

“Do you want to just stay here?” Connor offers gently. “We don’t have to hang out with Sean.”

 

Evan thinks about it. “We, uh, we don’t have great heat,” he admits. “So you’d probably just be cold. We can go to your place, it’s okay.”

 

Connor looks at him, expression a little concerned. “As long as you’re sure you’re up to it.” His face softens. “I’m glad you let me pick you up. I don’t want you to be alone.”

 

They’ve talked about mental health stuff before, in vague terms. Nothing too deep. Nothing too intense. Connor knows about his anxiety, obviously, and knows that he’s in therapy, and that sometimes he has days that aren’t so great. Evan doesn’t exactly want his boyfriend to know just how much of a mess he is, so he tends to gloss over some of the… less fun parts of his mental illness, but it’s pretty obvious just by looking at him that’s he’s… 

 

Not normal. 

 

Evan gets his stuff together and they head out to the car, where it’s almost as cold as it was in the house. Once they get inside the Murphy home, the difference in temperature is almost like a slap in the face. They head into the living room where Sean is sprawled across the couch, eating pizza rolls. His face lights up when he sees Evan. 

 

“Happy winter break!” says Sean enthusiastically, and Evan tries to smile because Connor’s twin is basically a ball of sunshine and he doesn’t need to see that Evan’s a nervous wreck. 

 

Evan settles in on the other sofa and Connor sits next to him. After a moment, Connor wraps his arm around Evan’s shoulder and Evan feels himself relax. Just a little bit. 

 

Sean puts on the first Iron Man film and then cheerfully proceeds to give a running commentary throughout the film, which every now and then has Connor groaning or rolling his eyes. It’s kind of comforting, in a way, watching the twins banter. 

 

Evan’s glad they have each other. 

 

Glad that he hasn’t come between them like he was so worried about when Sean walked in on him and Connor making out.

 

Which is still, incidentally, up there with one of the top 10 most embarrassing moments of his life. 

 

Halfway through the film, Connor wanders off and comes back with three mugs of hot chocolate and a packet of Oreos, which Sean eats nearly half of. Once the film is over, Sean decides it’s time for grilled cheese and the three of them head into the kitchen and Evan’s feeling… lighter. 

 

Sean pulls out the ingredients and is about to start when he stops and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He looks at the screen and smiles for a moment, then his smile fades into something deeply sad. 

 

Connor frowns and looks at his twin. “What’s wrong?”

 

Sean shakes his head. “It’s not a big deal.”

 

“Sean. Come on.”

 

Sean sighs. “Instagram notification from that girl I met at the Model UN thing.” 

 

Connor blinks. “The one who thinks we look like her dead boyfriend?”

 

There’s something cold that grabs Evan’s chest at that. 

 

Sean frowns deeply. “I saw the photo of them together. It’s not just that she thinks there’s a resemblance, it’s… well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d have been sure I was looking at a photo of me or you.”

 

“Still freaking you out, huh,” says Connor sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I just can’t stop thinking about it,” Sean confesses in a rush. “He looked exactly like us, and he’s dead.”

 

Evan can’t help himself. “How did he die?” he asks. 

 

Sean’s face gets even sadder. “He killed himself,” he says softly. “Overdosed in his apartment.” He sighs and rakes his hand through his hair. “His parents travel a lot, so they weren’t around, and… no one found the body for a week. A whole week. He was… he had to have been in so much pain and nobody found him.”

 

Evan’s mind catches on Sean’s words. 

 

Nobody found him. 

 

Nobody found him. 

 

He remembers landing on the ground in excruciating pain, broken and lost and feeling like a failure, just hoping someone would find him and help him and…

 

Nobody found him. 

 

Nobody found him. 

 

His chest feels tight and his lungs feel too small and his arm hurts and he’s dizzy and it’s like being back in the dirt of the forest and knowing that he’d tried to make things stop but he’d failed miserably and no one was there, no one cared, nobody could see and nobody could stop it and nobody could help and…

 

“Evan. Hey. Breathe with me.”

 

“I’m okay,” he manages to stammer out, because this can’t be happening, he can’t be having a panic attack in the Murphy’s kitchen, because Sean and Connor have seen him have a panic attack too many times already and they won’t want to spend time with him, they won’t want him in the house, Connor’s going to break up with him because he just can’t keep his shit together - 

 

He dimly recognizes arms guiding him gently into a seat, someone kneeling next to him and a comforting hand on his no-longer-broken arm and words he can’t quite get to sink into his brain in a calming voice and slowly, far too slowly, he comes back to reality, face heating with embarrassment. 

 

Evan’s aware of what’s going on in short sharp bursts, like he’s in a video game discovering terrain or whatever. He notices that Sean’s hovering over him, looking worried. He notices there’s a glass of water in front of him. He notices that Connor has his arm around him, notices Connor’s familiar warmth and smell and that he’s holding his hand and it’s kind of rough but solid and steady and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough to hang on to for the time being. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, and his voice is raw from lack of breathing, and Sean pushes the glass toward him and he takes a sip of water. 

 

“You’re okay,” says Connor quietly. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”

 

It’s quiet for a while. Evan vaguely notices Sean pulling up a chair to sit next to him. 

 

“How did you break your arm?” Sean asks. 

 

Evan feels Connor tense next to him. “Sean, not now.”

 

“I’m serious,” Sean insists. “You said you feel out of a tree, right?”

 

“Yeah,” says Evan. He’s feeling a little dazed. “That’s what I said.”

 

He can’t look at Sean, or Connor, but he can tell they’re looking at each other, communicating in that weird non-verbal twin way they do sometimes, and he wraps his arms around himself, bracing for an attack. 

 

“When we were in third grade, I challenged you to a tree climbing competition,” Sean says, his voice quiet but insistent. “Do you remember that?” 

 

Evan does, vaguely, but doesn’t say anything. 

 

“Sean, come  _ on _ .”

 

“You kicked my ass,” Sean continues. “You’re really, really good at climbing trees and it doesn’t make sense to me that you’d just… fall.”

 

“It was a broken branch,” Connor says, his voice hesitant. “Right, Evan? That’s what you told me.”

 

“Evan,” says Sean insistently. “Did you fall, or did you let go?”

 

The room is deadly still for a long moment. 

 

Evan can tell the moment that Connor realizes what his twin is trying to say. 

 

The moment it sinks in. 

 

He wants to say something, he wants to lie, he wants to blow it off like it’s nothing, like it doesn’t matter, but his throat is completely closed up and he can’t speak, he can’t convince anyone, and even if he could get the words out right now, he doesn’t know if they’d even matter. 

 

He needs to get out of here. 

 

Immediately. 

 

Evan stands up and heads out of the kitchen through the Murphy’s too big house, ignoring Connor calling out from behind him, and has just got to the front door when it opens and there’s Zoe, and it startles him so much he stops in his tracks. 

 

Zoe’s eyes widen. “What’s going on?”

 

“I can’t-”

 

“Evan,” says Connor from behind him, voice pained. “We don’t… we don’t have to talk about it right now, just… stay, okay? Stay here.”

 

Evan ignores him. “Zoe, do you mind driving me home?”

 

Zoe’s eyes dart from Evan to Connor and she narrows her eyes a little. “Connor, what did you do?”

 

“He didn’t do anything, I just need to go,” Evan says firmly. “I can walk home.”

 

He tries to push past Zoe and out the front door but Connor grabs his arm, tighter than he probably realizes, and Evan wants to just push him off and leave but he doesn’t think he has the energy and he just doesn’t want to be here and it’s all too hard and everything’s just too much and…

 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Connor’s pulled him into a hug and this is even more embarrassing than before, this is total humiliation, he doesn’t know how to deal with this, he should have climbed higher, he shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be anywhere. 

 

“I’m sorry,” says a voice from behind them. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t have,” says Connor, and Evan can feel the vibrations through his chest, and he’s ridiculously tired all of a sudden, and time gets a little blurry and he’s not sure what’s real but soon he finds himself in Connor’s room, wrapped in a blanket, door closed and some kind of soft music playing. 

 

Eventually they’re going to have to talk about it.

 

Evan knows. 

 

But he’s too much like an exposed nerve right now, so he just lies back on Connor’s bed and Connor lies down with him, and he puts his head on his shoulder and listens to him breathing. 

 

* * *

 

When Sean gets up the next morning, he finds Evan and Connor in the kitchen making pancakes. Evan’s in a sweater and sweatpants that are too long for him that Sean recognizes as belonging to his twin, and he tenses as Sean walks in. 

 

Sean gives them an awkward wave. Evan waves back and Connor offers a weak smile. 

 

“Shall I make coffee?” Sean offers, and Connor nods. 

 

Sean sets about making cappuccinos from the fancy espresso machine Mom bought three Christmases ago and only ever gets used by the twins. He can see Evan looking at him nervously and tries not to stare as he notices Connor noticing Evan’s discomfort and putting his arm around him. 

 

Once he’s made three perfect cappuccinos, Sean places them on the counter island and looks at his twin, who looks back at him, expression a little challenging. 

 

“I’m sorry,” says Sean to Evan. “It wasn’t my place to push you into talking about something you didn’t want to talk about.”

 

Evan’s shoulders tense, then he lets out a shaky breath. “Thank you,” he says, his voice a little raw and scratchy. “I… I know you weren’t trying to be an asshole, it’s just… it’s really hard? And I didn’t… I didn’t want you to know.” He looks at Connor. “Either of you.”

 

Connor looks incredibly sad for a moment, then looks at Sean and kind of nods. “We, uh, we talked about it last night,” he says quietly. “And I’m gonna help Evan talk to his mom about it.” He fixes Sean with a meaningful look. “Like you helped me talk to Mom and Dad about my stuff.”

 

As a child, Sean’s anxiety attacks were common, and their parents had taken him to a doctor to get a diagnosis after some minor freakouts in public. He’d gone to visit some kind of specialist, in a room that felt more like a lab than a therapy office, and it had this weird sense of foreboding that sticks with Sean to this day. Still, it had helped, and so had the medication he has to help manage it. 

 

Things with Connor were… a little different. 

 

Freshman year, Connor had gotten quieter and angrier and more withdrawn and sadder and no one but Sean seemed to be able to see it. Be able to understand it. He’d barely say a word at dinner and their dad would give him hell about his attitude and being a moody teenager and it’d all explode into some kind of argument which would end with Connor screaming at everyone and locking himself in his room and Sean not having any idea what to do. 

 

When Sean and Connor were ten, the family moved into a bigger house and their parents took the opportunity to put the twins in separate rooms. It was probably a good idea and at this stage in their lives, Sean is glad they have separate rooms, but at the time it just felt wrong. Their rooms were side by side and one afternoon, Connor found out that the back of their closets shared a wall. 

 

Naturally, Connor stole a hammer from their dad’s tool box and put a hole at the back of the closet so he and Sean could talk once they were supposed to be asleep. 

 

Their parents still haven’t found out. Or if they have, they haven’t said anything. 

 

Sean remembers, very vividly, being all awkward long teenage limbs, curled up in his closet, talking to his brother through a hole in the wall. His brother, who was sobbing and ranting about how he just wanted it to stop, he just wanted to feel better, he just wanted to be happy. 

 

That’s when Sean decided it had to stop. 

 

That’s when Sean insisted that his parents do something about Connor, because there was obviously something wrong. 

 

Their dad was hesitant. Weirdly hesitant. Almost… scared, Sean remembers and still doesn’t understand why. But after a particularly harrowing conversation with his twin, Sean told his parents he was honestly terrified Connor would hurt himself, and that spurred their mother into immediate action. 

 

Doctors. Counselors. Medication. That same weird, foreboding building. 

 

It took time. 

 

But slowly, surely, Connor started to feel better. 

 

Sean’s sure that Evan will, too. 

 

“Good,” says Sean, and he’s honestly relieved. He looks at Evan. “Look, Evan, I consider you a friend and I want you to be happy and healthy. And if there’s anything I can do, or anything you need, I’m there. Just… just let me know.” 

 

The rest of winter break goes by too fast. 

 

Alana’s away with her parents on a ski trip and Sean FaceTimes her almost every day. He likes hearing her talk about how she’s mastered the most difficult ski field, how she’s packed the entire works of Tolstoy for some light reading and about how her dad booked her in for a full spa treatment at the resort and she thinks it’s a waste of time she could be doing other things. 

 

Personally, Sean thinks Alana deserves something nice like a spa treatment, but he’s not going to argue with her. 

 

There’s Christmas, then there’s New Year’s Eve, and instead of throwing a party this year, the Murphy siblings decide to just have a night in, along with Evan.They ring in the New Year with episodes of Spongebob Squarepants and a smuggled bottle of hard cider. 

 

Zoe insists on doing a loud, enthusiastic countdown and hugs Sean tightly as midnight strikes. When they pull apart, they can see that Connor and Evan are still kissing, lost in their own little world. Zoe throws a couch cushion at them, and Connor responds by flipping her off, then Zoe hugs Connor and Sean tentatively hugs Evan, then Sean and Connor hug and out of the corner of his eye, Sean can see Zoe hugging a slightly taken aback Evan, who smiles a genuine smile. 

 

It’s nice. 

 

Alana’s back a few days before school goes back and comes to the Murphy house to hang out for the day. Sean’s missed her. They’re cuddling on the couch watching a documentary on Pompeii (Alana’s choice) when Zoe walks in, holding a bag of M&Ms. She spots Alana and kind of freezes, then waves awkwardly and leaves, and Alana’s frowning and Sean’s left feeling, for the millionth time, that there’s something he’s missing. 

 

“When did you and Zoe stop being able to be in the same room together?” Sean can’t help but ask. “It’s… it’s really weird, and neither of you will tell me what’s going on.”

 

“I don’t have a problem with your sister,” says Alana firmly. “We just… drifted apart. That’s all.”

 

“You guys were friends.”

 

“I’m your girlfriend first,” Alana insists, and leans in to kiss him, and Sean still isn’t convinced that there’s something he just hasn’t figured out. 

 

Nearly an hour later, Sean hears the front door slam, and laughter, and then Connor basically drags Evan into the living room, both of them red-cheeked, bundled up in jackets and scarves and lightly dusted with snow. Connor reaches down to brush snow off Evan’s shoulder, Evan reaches up to pull off Connor’s beanie, Connor scowls and before he can say anything, Evan pulls him into a kiss and…

 

Sean clears his throat loudly. 

 

The two of them haven’t noticed the room’s not empty.

 

Evan and Connor stare at Sean and Alana, and Alana’s eyes are wide with shock. Alana turns to Sean. 

 

“You didn’t tell me Evan and Connor were together!”

 

“It wasn’t my news to tell,” Sean replies honestly. 

 

Connor looks grateful. “We’re not really… out at school,” he admits, a bit awkwardly. “My parents know, and Evan’s mom knows, and Sean and Zoe know and… I guess now you do. It’s not a secret, it’s just… we figure it’s no one’s business but ours.”

 

Alana kind of stares for a moment, then blinks. “I’m not going to go around telling everyone if you don’t want me to,” she says firmly.

 

“I didn’t think you would,” Connor replies, and Sean can see he’s being genuine. “It’s just…” he looks at Evan and his face softens. “We just wanted to keep it to ourselves.”

 

Evan smiles at him and it’s all sickeningly cute but for some reason, there’s a steady ache in Sean’s chest and he can’t quite figure out why. 

 

On the morning of the first day back after winter break, Sean goes to pick up Alana for school as usual. Connor’s picking up Evan so Zoe’s in the backseat of Sean’s car, headphones in and doing something on her phone. When Alana takes the front passenger seat, she immediately starts talking. 

 

“I want to talk to Connor and Evan,” she announces as Sean pulls out of her driveway. “About starting a GSA on campus.”

 

Sean isn’t really surprised. Alana really, really likes clubs. “I can’t see either of them wanting to be involved in leading a club,” he admits. 

 

“I can run it,” says Alana matter-of-factly. “As a straight ally, I think it’s important to show support. There are probably plenty of other kids at school who are hiding who they are because they’re afraid of people’s reactions. It would be great to be able to create a safe space for people.”

 

Sean can’t be sure, but he thinks he can hear Zoe snort from the backseat. He looks in the mirror to see that she’s still got her headphones on and isn’t looking at either of them. 

 

It takes an impressively short amount of time for Alana to get what she needs together to start the GSA. Evan and Connor don’t seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea, but are willing to go along to an initial meeting. Alana seems to be worried that no one will show up, so she makes Sean promise he’ll come, and Sean takes it upon himself to ask Zoe to come, too. 

 

Zoe seems… not thrilled about the idea. 

 

“I’m not interested in being part of Alana’s newest project,” says Zoe when Sean asks, kind of rolling her eyes. 

 

Sean tries not to let his irritation show. “I know you guys have drifted apart, but you used to be friends, and this is important to her. She wants to make sure the LGBT community at school feel supported.”

 

Zoe looks at Sean and crosses her arms. “Did she say  _ why _ it’s so important to her?”

 

There’s this weird ringing in Sean’s ears that he’s trying to ignore. “She wants to make sure Connor and Evan feel like they’ve got a safe space,” he says, instead of acknowledging that he feels kind of… off balance at Zoe’s question. 

 

“Right,” says Zoe flatly. “It’s about Connor and Evan.”

 

“Alana just wants to help.”

 

Zoe’s face is stony, and Sean’s hit with the sudden realization that his sister is a stranger to him these days. 

 

That she’s been weird, she’s been distant, she’s been… sad and weird and he’s not been paying enough attention, he’s not been doing things right, he’s messed up somehow and he can’t quite figure out where or how. 

 

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” he says finally. 

 

“If Connor wants me there, I’ll come,” she counters.

 

The GSA’s first meeting is in the first week of February, and there’s a decent turnout - nearly twenty people. Alana’s made cupcakes, and they’re beautifully decorated in rainbow colors, and she’s put little flags in them for all sorts of gender and sexual identities, and it’s all meticulously put together and thought out and Sean’s kind of impressed. 

 

He should have learned by now not to underestimate his girlfriend. 

 

“Welcome to the inaugural meeting of the GSA,” Alana announces. “We can all talk about naming ideas and ways to make things more inclusive - I know that GSA is a very limiting term, so we can definitely come up with something else. We can also talk about leadership and setting up a committee and what we’d like to accomplish going forward. First of all, I think we should all introduce ourselves. I’ll start - my name is Alana Beck, my pronouns are she/her and I’m a straight ally.”

 

Sean’s sitting next to her and she looks at him expectedly. He waves kind of awkwardly. “Sean Murphy,” he says. “He/him. Straight ally, too.”

 

They go around the circle. Garrick from his history class is gay, a sophomore named Ricky is non-binary and pansexual, a nervous looking freshman named Maureen is bisexual. Sean feels kind of warm sitting here meeting all these people, hearing them talk about themselves, but at the same time kind of feels like an outsider, like he doesn’t belong here, and there’s still this weird buzzing in his head that something’s not quite right, that there’s something he can’t quite put his finger on. 

 

“Connor Murphy,” says his twin when it gets to his turn. “He/him pronouns. Pretty sure I’m your garden variety gay.”

 

There’s laughter from that, and Evan’s sitting next to him and goes red as everyone looks at him. “Evan Hansen, he/him, bisexual,” he says, very very fast, and Sean makes sure to smile at him encouragingly. 

 

Then there’s Zoe. She’s sitting there, paler than she should be, cross-legged on one of the uncomfortable chairs, playing with the cuffs of her jeans. When she realizes it’s her turn, she looks up and clears her throat. 

 

“Zoe Murphy,” she says, her voice quiet but clear. “She/her pronouns.” She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I like girls.”

* * *

 

The moment the words leave Zoe’s mouth, Connor’s eyes go straight to his twin. Sean’s fighting to keep a relatively neutral expression but Connor can see there’s shock in his eyes, along with no small measure of hurt. 

 

The girl next to Zoe introduces herself, and Connor watches Sean and Alana carefully place on their senior class vice-president and senior class president smiles, the way he’s seen them do so many times before. When Sean and Alana are together in public, it’s always… different to how they are in private. More. Like they’re trying to be more or do more or present themselves in a certain way, be seen in a certain way. 

 

As the rest of the meeting continues, Alana’s saying something about funding applications and creating a committee and events and a fundraising drive and Connor’s just not paying any attention, he’s too busy focusing on Zoe. She’s chewing the ends of her hair, which she hasn’t done since she was a kid, and won’t look at anyone, and Connor’s debating whether or not he should claim some kind of family emergency and drag her away, but that’ll bring Sean too and make the whole thing more insane than it already is, and his pattern of worry continues until finally,  _ finally _ , Alana declares the meeting over. 

 

Zoe’s on her feet in a flash and heads straight over to Connor. 

 

“Can you drive me home?” she asks urgently. “I know you came in with Evan, but… I just…”

 

“Of course,” says Connor, a little stupidly, and Sean’s coming over to see them and Zoe’s going pale and for the first time in his life, he’s trying to protect his sister from his  _ brother _ and it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make any sense at all. 

 

He catches Sean’s eye and shakes his head slowly. Sean’s eyes widen a little, then he nods and hangs his head and goes over to where Alana’s talking with some guy with an infected looking septum piercing. 

 

Zoe takes Connor’s arm and all but drags him out of the room, down the hall and out into the senior parking lot, Evan close behind them. 

 

Connor unlocks his car and before he can say anything, Evan climbs in the backseat. Zoe and Connor exchange a look, then climb into the passenger and driver’s seat respectively. 

 

They sit in the carpark for a moment before Connor breaks the silence. 

 

“We’re going to Starbucks,” he announces. “I’ll buy you a frappuccino.”

 

“It’s the middle of winter,” Zoe points out. 

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “When has that ever stopped you?”

 

The drive out of the parking lot is quiet. Every now and then, Connor catches glimpses of Evan in the rear view mirror. He looks… sad, and thoughtful, but offers a weak smile when he sees Connor looking at him, and Connor feels like things might be alright for a minute or so. 

 

Still, he drops Evan off at his place before heading onto Starbucks, thinking it might be easier for his sister if it was just them. He gets out of the car to say goodbye to him properly, and Evan pulls him into a hug. 

 

“You’re a good brother,” says Evan quietly. “You’ve got this.”

 

It’s nice of him to say, but Connor still has doubts. He’s… not good at this kind of thing. The emotional support thing. He remembers when they were all in middle school and there was this kid picking on Zoe. Connor threatened to beat him up but Sean focused on making sure Zoe was okay. 

That’s how it is. Sean’s the one to do the emotional support. 

 

This whole situation is just… weird. 

 

When they arrive, they get their drinks to go and head back to the car and sit in the parking lot. 

 

No one says anything for a long time. 

 

“He’s gonna freak out,” Zoe says finally, her voice barely above a whisper. “He’s going to find out about Alana and he’s going to hate me.”

 

“He’s not going to hate you,” Connor promises.

 

Zoe’s eyes fill with tears and she looks… angry. “It was so fucking stupid of me,” she says through tears. “It was New Year’s Eve last year, and Sean threw that stupid party because Mom and Dad went away, and it was full of Sean’s basketball friends and they were kind of jerks so Alana and I were hanging out in my room and we stole a bottle of champagne and got really drunk and then she kissed me or maybe I kissed her and we made out for like, an hour and then she fell asleep in my room and the next morning she told me it was a mistake, that she loved Sean, to please not tell him about it and I…” Zoe bursts into angry sobs and Connor reaches over to pull her into an awkward hug. 

 

Zoe’s sobbing on his shoulder and Connor’s mind is reeling that it’s been over a year that Zoe’s had to hold onto this, that it’s been eating at her. He vaguely remembers getting drunk by himself in his room that night, because he wasn’t exactly a fan of Sean’s basketball friends either, and feels like a fucking idiot for not having checked on Zoe that night.

 

He feels like a complete asshole. 

 

Because he knew there was something wrong. He’s known for over a year and he’s just let it go, too wrapped up in his own shit. 

 

“Sean could never hate you,” Connor says firmly. “And neither could I. Both of us love you so fucking much.” 

 

“Sean’s going to hate me when he finds out,” Zoe sobs. “I’m a horrible person. What kind of person makes out with her brother’s girlfriend? What kind of sick, sad, horrible person does something like that?”

 

“You’re not horrible,” Connor insists. “You’re not.”

 

Zoe pulls away and wipes her face furiously, then fixes Connor with a pointed glare. “You can’t tell him about me and Alana.”

 

Connor bites his lip. “You’re right,” he says quietly. “I can’t. But I think you have to.”

 

Zoe shakes her head. “I can’t.”

 

“Zo-”

 

“I’ve kept it from him for a  _ year _ , Connor. A  _ whole fucking year.  _ I can’t. I just can’t.”

 

Connor sighs. “I won’t tell him,” he promises. “I won’t. But you… I know it’s scary but you just holding onto it is only going to hurt you more.”

 

It’s Zoe’s turn to sigh. “Can we just go home?”

 

Connor nods, then starts the journey back to the Murphy house. Zoe puts on some soft twinkly indie music that Connor doesn’t completely hate. It’s kind of nice.

 

Once they get back home, Sean’s hovering the main foyer, like he’s been waiting for them, and Zoe pushes past him to run upstairs and Sean just kind of stands there, his expression utterly devastated. 

 

He turns to Connor. “Did you know?” he asks quietly. 

 

Connor hesitates, then nods. 

 

Sean’s face crumbles. “Does she…” He trails off, then looks away. “She told you after I found you and Evan, didn’t she. And after the way I reacted, she didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

 

Connor’s not sure how to respond. “This shit is hard,” he says finally. “It’s like… being straight is supposed to be the default for some bullshit reason so when you realize that you’re not, it becomes this kind of… thing you have to carry.” He feels a little guilty as he continues, but he feels like he owes it to his sister. “You and Alana have been together for ages. It’s always been kind of obvious that… that’s just how you are, and it’s never been a big deal, but for us there’s the whole coming out baggage and the knowledge that even though it’s not a big deal, people do look at us differently. There’s judgment, even if we’re supposed to be all woke as a society now or whatever.” 

 

Sean kind of nods, but still looks troubled. “I hate that I made Zoe feel like she couldn’t tell me,” he says quietly. “And I hate that I made you feel that way as well. I don’t… just because I’m with Alana doesn’t mean I’m…” He sighs, and runs his hands through his hair, then offers Connor a weak smile. “Sorry. I’m fine. It’s all fine. Here I go, making this shit about me again.”

 

“Zoe’s going to be fine,” Connor says, and he’s not sure he completely believes it but feels like he needs to reassure Sean, who just looks so sad. “Give her a bit of time but maybe talk to her when she’s ready?” 

 

Sean nods. Then he kind of laughs. “For someone who just went to my first GSA meeting I’m doing a pretty shitty job at being an ally, huh.”

 

“You’re learning,” Connor offers, and Sean does that weird not-quite-laugh again, and Connor pulls his brother into a hug then suggests that maybe they watch something stupid on Netflix for a while. 

 

By the time dinner rolls around, Zoe’s out of her room, pale-faced but determinedly not looking at Sean, and Connor finds himself talking about his English assignment just to distract his parents from the fact that his siblings are acting super weird. It’s exhausting, and by the time dinner’s over Connor’s ready to go hide in his room for some alone time. 

 

After reading for a while, he FaceTimes Evan. 

 

“How did it go with Zoe?” asks Evan as soon as the call connects. “Everything okay?”

 

Connor sighs. “Honestly, I have no idea.”

 

* * *

 

For the next few weeks, Zoe gets a ride into school with Connor and Evan. 

 

Sean’s trying not to take it personally. 

 

They haven’t had a chance to talk. Not really. They’ve talked a little. Sean’s said that he’s proud of Zoe for coming out and that he loves her, but they haven’t had any kind of real conversation about it, and it feels like Zoe’s avoiding him as much as possible. 

 

Zoe’s still coming to the GSA meetings, which is good, and seems to be making friends with a girl in junior year with short pink hair who likes making terrible puns who Sean thinks is named Jen. Connor and Evan don’t come all the time, but they do make the occasional appearance. 

 

Time goes on, as it does, and it almost takes Sean by surprise when he gets home one day after a late basketball practice to find a sizable pile of envelopes with his name on them on the dining room table. There’s a smaller pile with Connor’s name on, too. He’s instantly aware of what they are. 

 

Responses to his college applications. 

 

He’d applied to a lot of different places. Like, a lot. Alana had made him write down a list of places that had things that interested him. He’s wanted to be a vet since he was a kid, so that’s still the end goal but this year he’s found AP Biology a struggle so he’s yet to figure out if it’s going to work for him. Still, he’s willing to put in the work if that’s what it takes. 

 

Sean picks up his pile of envelopes and Connor’s pile of envelopes and heads upstairs to find his brother. When he opens Connor’s door, he instantly regrets not knocking because Connor and Evan are… occupied. 

 

If he thought he’d caught them making out before, that was downright tame compared to this. They’re both shirtless, and Evan is straddling Connor and kissing his neck and there are hands everywhere and Sean did absolutely not need to see his brother like that and - 

 

“Sean, what the fuck?” says Connor irritably. Evan looks like he’d like the ground to swallow him whole, and Sean manages to mumble out an apology before throwing the envelopes on Connor’s bed and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible. 

 

He goes into his room and tries to focus on his own pile of college acceptance envelopes but he’s having a hard time concentrating because…

 

Evan has a lot more muscle than Sean expected him to. 

 

Like, a lot. 

 

He’s got broad shoulders and freckles and he’s… very nice to look at. 

 

And that’s a weird thought. 

 

A really fucking weird thought. 

 

Because… Sean’s straight, right? Sure, he thinks Evan’s hot, but he’s not  _ blind _ , he can tell when guys are hot. There are plenty of hot guys on the basketball team with him. But he’s been with Alana since freshman year and Alana is smart and driven and they’re a good team and she’s pretty and…

 

It kind of dawns on him then that he’s never once used the word ‘hot’ to describe Alana. Not even in his mind. 

 

Is the gay thing genetic?

 

Is he gay? 

 

Connor and Zoe being gay doesn’t necessarily mean he has to be, but…

 

Well…

 

Sean decides he doesn’t have time to think about this right now. He has to focus on his acceptance letters. 

 

He calls Alana, who’s received a bunch herself, and she immediately suggests he come over so they can go over them together and make pro/con lists to figure out what their decisions are going to be. 

 

So soon he’s in his car, driving to Alana’s, trying to get the mental image of the freckles near Evan’s lower back out of his head. 

 

If Sean’s going to be honest with himself, he’s not that surprised that Connor’s gay. Their dad was always nagging Connor for not being into sports and being close to their mom and there was the occasional comment about sexuality - not that their dad’s a raging homophobe or anything, it’s just… well, Connor being gay kind of made sense. 

 

But Sean’s had a girlfriend for pretty much all of high school and plays a lot of sports and has a lot of friends and is well adjusted enough despite the anxiety, so if  _ he’s _ gay, then that’s just kind of unfair, because he did everything right. 

 

(He kind of hates himself for thinking that.)

 

When he arrives at Alana’s, she’s managed to produce a dry-erase board out of thin air. It’s standing in her room and she’s already created them both the template for a pro/con list on the board. Sean’s name is written neatly in red, Alana’s is in purple. 

 

“We applied to a lot of the same places,” Sean says as he surveys the pile of letters in front of them. “Looks like you got more acceptance letters, though.”

 

Alana looks thoughtful. “Obviously, the decisions we make are our own as individuals,” she says firmly. “But… we haven’t really discussed what happens next year, have we?”

 

There’s a weird feeling in Sean’s stomach. “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, with us.” Alana’s got the no-nonsense expression he recognizes from when she’s trying to make student council decisions. “I feel like we need to make a call as to how we prioritize our relationship. Do we intend to keep dating? Do we think we can handle long distance? Do we want to try to go to college near each other so we can continue the relationship?”

 

The weird feeling in his stomach is getting bigger. “I… I haven’t thought about it,” he replies honestly. He takes her hand. “I’m sorry. That makes me sound like a jerk, it’s just that I’ve had a lot on my mind, and…”

 

Alana pulls him in for a kiss. It’s… different to the way she usually kisses him. Instead of soft and sweet, it’s almost… desperate. He puts his hand around her waist and pulls her closer and tries to focus on the feel of her, ignoring the weird feeling in his stomach that just keeps growing like a boulder and trying not to think about Evan straddling Connor, both of them shirtless, completely wrapped up in each other in a way he’s never been with Alana, a way he doesn’t think he’s ever experienced before and he’s had a girlfriend for nearly four years and they’ve never…

 

He’s distracted by hands tugging at the bottom of his shirt, and Alana looks at him, eyes wide, a determined look on her face. “Is this okay?” she says, and he nods, and she pulls off his shirt, then pulls off her own, then straddles him and pins him down on the bed lightly and Sean kind of feels like he’s having an out of body experience, because this is very weird and they’ve never done this before but the fact that they haven’t might very well actually be the weird part. 

 

It all kind of goes by in a blur, and Sean’s hyper-aware of everything and completely lost at the same time. Alana’s checking in to make sure things are okay, and he’s saying that it’s fine, but he kind of feels like he’s saying he’s fine the same way that you tell the dentist you can’t feel anything when they anaesthetize you before a root canal. Although the one time he had a root canal it was really weird because by the time he got to the appointment the dentist couldn’t see anything wrong with the tooth which had apparently been about to fall apart the last time he visited and he really shouldn’t be thinking about the dentist because he’s naked in his girlfriend’s room with his equally naked girlfriend and should really be paying attention. 

 

For a while afterward, they both just lie on Alana’s bed, the acceptance letters having been long since pushed to the floor. Alana rolls over and looks straight at him. 

 

“Is it weird we haven’t done that before?” she asks in her usual direct way. 

 

He rolls over to face her. “Maybe.”

 

Alana bites her lip. “Was it… was it good?”

 

Sean wants to assure her, he really does, but he can’t get the words out and her face shifts into something soft and knowing and…

 

“As cliche as this sounds, it wasn’t you,” Sean says quietly. “I guess I’m just… not great at this.”

 

Alana takes a deep breath, and it’s kind of shaky and Sean immediately feels like an idiot because he’s made her cry, he’s upset her, he’s a complete fucking idiot…

 

“It wasn’t just you,” she admits. “I don’t think… I know that I love you, Sean, but I don’t think it’s in the way I thought it was.” 

 

It’s a weird moment, because Sean feels like he should be upset or disappointed but mostly he just thinks he’s… relieved. 

 

“I think I know what you mean,” he finally replies. “I’m… I’m really sorry.”

 

There are tears sliding down Alana’s face now, and she’s not making any effort to hide them for the first time he can remember. Alana’s always hated crying, always hated being seen as vulnerable, but now she’s letting him see and it’s the most intimate thing they’ve ever experienced together. 

 

“I didn’t start the GSA because I wanted to be a supportive ally,” Alana admits after a long pause. “I did it because I think I’m gay and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

 

Sean takes her hand and squeezes it lightly. Then he laughs a little.

 

“There’s no real easy way to say this,” he says with a wry smile. “But… same.”

 

 

It takes a few weeks for Zoe to find out that Sean and Alana have broken up. 

 

Admittedly, she’s been actively avoiding both of them, and they’re both busy people, so it’s not exactly surprising she hasn’t seen a lot of them, but when she finds out she’s genuinely surprised. 

 

She’s been getting rides into school with Connor since she came out at the GSA meeting, and it’s been… different. Not just that Connor drives with very little regard for his personal safety which is a stark contrast to Sean’s sometimes overzealous rule following, but also because until everything happened, Zoe would have had to admit that she was much closer to Sean that she was to Connor. So spending more time with Connor is different. Nice, but different. 

 

When the three of them were really little, Zoe once asked her mom where her twin was. Connor and Sean had each other, so why didn’t she have a twin as well? Her mom had explained that not everyone has a twin, that they’re special, and this had sent her young self into a tantrum which had resulted in her being put in timeout. She remembers that during her time out, Sean had snuck her a peanut butter sandwich with the crusts cut off from the kitchen (her favorite thing in the world at the time) and told her that even though she didn’t have a twin, it didn’t mean she wasn’t special, because he and Connor thought she was the best little sister ever. 

 

Sean was usually the one who spoke up, who said the nice things, who looked out for everyone. Connor was… more withdrawn. He was and still is more likely to just… do something nice, then not admit to it, or have a sulk about people making a big deal out of it. Like when they were little and Connor was fascinated by their mom putting braids in Zoe’s long dark blonde hair, and their mom offered to teach both Sean and Connor how to do the braids. 

 

Sean hadn’t been interested, but Connor had taken it all on board and actually did a pretty decent braid for a six-year-old. He’d been awkward at first, and had pulled her hair once and made her cry, but then after that he was incredibly soft and gentle and Zoe decided she liked the Connor braids more than the Mommy braids, which was probably the highest compliment ever from five-year-old Zoe who thought her mom was the prettiest person on the whole planet. 

 

When they were all in middle school, Sean was the one who’d actively look after her, who’d make sure she got to classes, who helped her talk to teachers if shneeded it, whereas Connor wouldn’t do that kind of thing, but he’d always have an extra granola bar for her in his bag if she’d forgotten her lunch.

 

They show they care in different ways. Even though they’re identical, they’re very different people. 

 

Still, it’s been kind of… nice, spending time with Connor. Just Connor, rather than Connor as part of Sean-and-Connor, like it’s almost always been. She’s gotten to know Evan a bit as well, and when he’s got his anxiety under control he’s a lot of fun to be around. Evan’s smart and funny and makes Connor smile in a way that Zoe’s never seen before, and Zoe decides that makes him okay in her book. 

 

Plus, he’s easy to talk to. Zoe still hasn’t forgotten that Evan was technically the very first person she came out to. 

 

It’s a Monday morning and she’s getting breakfast before school and Connor’s nowhere to be seen. They all usually leave around the same time. Dad’s reading something on his iPad and Sean’s eating cereal and going over some biology notes and Connor’s nowhere to be seen. Zoe checks her watch and frowns a little. 

 

“Is Connor not up yet?” she asks. “He promised me he’d drive me in early for a band practice.”

 

“Connor’s been up all night puking,” says Sean, a little awkwardly. “You know how Evan had that bad flu last week? Connor spent most of the weekend looking after him because Evan’s mom had to work and now  _ he’s _ sick. Unsurprisingly.”

 

“It was nice of him to look after his boyfriend,” their mom says, clearly finding it all a bit cute. “I did warn him he’d probably get sick, but… young love.”

 

“I can take you,” says Sean, his tone a little too forced to be completely nonchalant. “I just need like five minutes.”

 

True to his word, in five minutes they’re out the door, and Zoe goes to open the backseat when Sean clears his throat. 

 

“You can take shotgun,” he says. 

 

“Don’t you have to pick up Alana?” she asks. 

 

Sean shakes his head. “No. Just us today.”

 

The drive to school is quiet, except for the sounds of David Bowie on the speaker. Sean’s gripping the steering wheel tightly, like he’s the one who’s uncomfortable, and Zoe’s irrational annoyed, because he’s got no reason to be uncomfortable around her unless he  _ is _ actually a giant homophobe, and - 

 

“Alana and I broke up.”

 

Zoe blinks, then stares at Sean, who doesn’t look all that upset. 

 

He may as well have told her that the moon wasn’t real. 

 

“What the fuck? When?”

 

“About three weeks ago.”

 

Zoe starts to feel her heart beat fast. 

 

Sean must know. 

 

He must know about their hookup at New Year. 

 

That’s why they’re not dating anymore. 

 

This is all her fault. 

 

She’s ruined it. 

 

Zoe doesn’t realize she’s crying until Sean pulls over to the side of the road. He takes her hand and squeezes it. 

 

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “Alana and I… trust me when I say it was mutual, and it was for a pretty good reason.”

 

“You guys have been together for four years,” says Zoe. “What the hell happened?”

 

Sean looks straight at her. “Well, we’re both gay, so that’s a thing.”

 

Zoe blinks. 

 

“What the fuck.”

 

“Yeah, what the fuck,” Sean echoes, kind of… laughing? “We, uh… we’ve both kind of been just… we love each other a whole lot, but not in the way we thought we did, and with the GSA and you and Connor both coming out, it kind of made us both… realize.” He squeezes Zoe’s hand again. “I wanted to tell you first. It’s just been a bit… I wanted to kind of understand for a bit.”

 

“You haven’t told Connor?” 

 

Sean shakes his head. “I wanted… I wanted to talk to you about it first,” he says firmly. “Because you’ve just seemed so sad and so hurt and so lonely and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and I thought that by trusting you with this we could maybe… fix things? Because I miss you. A hell of a lot.”

 

Zoe can’t help it. She blurts it out. 

 

The thing she’s been keeping a secret, weighing on her for over a year. 

 

“Alana and I made out last New Year’s. It’s how I… how I figured out I liked girls. We made out and then she made me promise not to tell you and I’ve had this huge crush on her and hated myself for it and it’s just been… bad. Really bad. I thought you’d hate me.”

 

Sean squeezes her hand again. “I could never hate you,” he says firmly. “And I know about last New Year’s. Alana told me. She… she’s hoping to be able to talk to you sometime. To try to clear things up. She wasn’t… she wasn’t fair to you, Zoe. When she told me what happened I was pretty pissed, but not at you. She shouldn’t have made you promise not to tell. She shouldn’t have made you deal with that for so long.” 

 

“Alana’s not a bad person,” Zoe feels compelled to point out. “She just… I think she was scared.”

 

“Alana and I… we’re going to be a lot happier now that we’re being true to ourselves,” says Sean firmly. “We’re still friends, and I’m always going to love her, just not like that.” 

 

They sit there for a moment, then Zoe bursts out laughing. 

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m just picturing the look on Dad’s face when he realizes that all three of his kids are gay.”

 

Sean snorts. “Once I’ve told Connor, we should like, make a cake to tell the parents.”

 

“Nothing’s going to top the way Connor came out to them.” Sean looks at her quizzically, and Zoe realizes. “That’s right, you were in DC. Okay, so basically…”

 

* * *

 

Sean’s expecting more of a reaction when he tells Connor he’s gay. Maybe some kind of confusion or asking if he’s sure or being weird about it. Instead Connor just kind of rolls his eyes, makes a joke about how he can never have anything to himself and then cracks up when he, like Zoe, imagines their dad’s reaction when he finds out they’re all gay. 

 

Considering all the drama surrounding his siblings coming out, Sean’s relieved that it’s pretty straightforward for him. 

 

Winter turns to spring and senior year keeps chugging along. 

 

The GSA is thriving, and there’s a strong committee full of juniors who are determined to keep the club going well into next year. Zoe’s at the center of it all, along with Jen with the pink hair, who Zoe swears up and down isn’t her girlfriend but Sean is pretty certain has definite heart eyes for his sister. They’ve become good friends, at least, and that’s good. It’s good Zoe has someone. 

 

Sean still has a lot to do with Alana, seeing as they run in a lot of the same circles, and it’s bittersweet to not be together anymore. A lot of their mutual friends are disappointed (one girl in particular seemed absolutely convinced that Alana was going to be President and Sean was going to make one hell of a First Gentleman) but since there aren’t any sides to take, it’s not really a big deal. They’re still friends. They still care about each other. It’s just not how it used to be, and that’s okay. 

 

Alana and Zoe start spending a bit more time together, but Zoe assures Sean there’s nothing going on there. What happened between them was too painful for Zoe to really be able to forgive and forget to move on to anything romantic, but they’ve managed to repair their friendship, which Sean thinks is good for both of them. 

 

Evan and Connor are going strong, though neither of them are completely thrilled about the idea of long distance during their first year of college. Evan had been accepted to the same college as Sean and Connor in Connecticut, but had some mental health setbacks and decided to do his freshman year at the local community college to be closer to home and not have to change therapists, with the intention to head to Connecticut in sophomore year. Connor’s disappointed, but supportive, and they both seem absolutely set on making it work, which Sean couldn’t be happier about. 

 

When graduation finally rolls around, the Murphy parents are determined to throw a party to celebrate, and Sean manages to convince Connor that it’s not the worst idea in the world. Graduation goes without a hitch, Alana giving an incredible valedictorian speech and no one tripping on stage (Evan had expressed this was a very deep fear of his) and when they head back to the Murphy household for food and drinks and music and all that good stuff, Sean’s feeling pretty fucking hopeful for the rest of the summer. 

 

It’s a relatively crowded affair. As well as Evan’s mom and Alana’s parents, there are distant relatives, neighbors and some people Sean vaguely remembers might work with his dad. He’s not sure why they’re here, but whenever they see him looking at them they smile these dazzling but somewhat hollow smiles, and it’s a little unsettling but he’s not going to complain. 

 

Zoe’s invited Jen, and they’re giggling over by a plate of crab puffs, and Evan and Connor are talking to Evan’s mom. Sean’s mom is talking to Alana’s parents and Alana, and he’s about to head over there because it’s probably awkward when he’s approached by a man he doesn’t recognize. 

 

“You must be Sean,” he says, and his smile doesn’t quite sit right on his face. It’s kind of… fake and weird, and it sets his teeth on edge, but he doesn’t want to be impolite, so he smiles and tries to act normal. 

 

“I am,” he replies. “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure if I remember you.”

 

“Dr. Cliff Dubois,” he says, extended a hand for him to shake. It’s a strong handshake. “I work for the DYAD Institute. I’ve had some professional dealings with your father over the years.”

 

“The DYAD Institute,” Sean repeats. It’s ringing a vague bell. Weirdly, he thinks of the child psychologist he saw when he was a kid and the weird, foreboding building. “And Dad invited you to my graduation party?”

 

Dr. Dubois’ smile isn’t particularly convincing. “I travel a lot for business,” he says. “I’m usually based in Boston, but I happened to be in the area and Larry mentioned you boys were graduating, so I thought I’d come congratulate you. I remember when you were just tiny. You were all Larry could talk about. He was so proud of his boys.”

 

Sean catches Connor’s eye, and Connor must see something in his expression because he and Evan come over to join them. When Dr. Dubois sees Connor, his face lights up. “Ah, and here’s Connor! Congratulations to you both on graduating. I hear you’ve both been accepted to a college in Connecticut?”

 

“That’s right,” says Connor, frowning a little. “Who are you?”

 

“Dr. Cliff Dubois,” he says, extended a hand for Connor to shake, which Connor doesn’t take. After a moment, he looks at Evan. “And who might you be?”

 

“Evan Hansen,” says Evan nervously. 

 

“My boyfriend,” Connor chimes in, his voice challenging. “And what exactly are you doing at our graduation?”

 

It’s in that moment where their dad shows up. “Cliff! Good to see you.” The two men shake hands and Connor throws Sean a ‘what the fuck’ look and Evan just looks at his shoes. “Boys, this is Dr. Dubois from the DYAD Institute. We’ve worked together for a long time. He’s in town for business and wanted to congratulate you.”

 

“Yeah, we got that,” says Connor with a roll of his eyes. “Nice to meet you, I guess.”

 

Dr. Dubois smiles thinly and looks to Sean again. “Now, I hear you’re wanting to be a veterinarian?”

 

“Yes,” says Sean, trying to keep up a smile. He can feel this weird tension coming off his dad, like he’s on edge for some reason. He looks at his dad, who takes a long sip of his whiskey and puts his hand on Sean’s shoulder. 

 

“What about you, Connor?” 

 

Connor looks at their dad, then back at Dr. Dubois. “I’ll be studying English Literature.”

 

“English Literature?”

 

Connor stares at him for a moment. “I like books.”

 

“Sorry to cut things short,” says Larry with a smile that doesn’t quite fit, “but since I’ve got Cliff here, I might steal him away to talk shop. Won’t be long.”

 

Their dad leads Dr. Dubois in the direction of his study, and Dr. Dubois waves at them as he goes. Once they’re out of sight, Connor scowls. “That guy creeped me the fuck out. What was he even doing here?”

 

Sean shrugs. “Honestly? I have no idea.” 

 

The night goes on, and eventually people start leaving. Sean assumes his brother and his boyfriend have headed upstairs to get away from the party, having reached their quota of people for the day. His mom is definitely tipsy and wraps him up in a big hug when he gets into the kitchen. 

 

“So proud of you,” she slurs and kisses him on the cheek. “Help me pack up the rest of the food, will you?”

 

“I can do it,” he says with a smile. “You just get some sleep, you look exhausted.”

 

She yawns loudly, then pats his arm. “You’re a good boy. You and Connor are both my good boys. Your father and I are so, so lucky to have you.” With that, she heads off upstairs. 

 

Sean sets about putting things in the fridge, and after a few minutes he notices his dad standing in the doorway, nursing a glass of scotch. When he sees him, his dad smiles and raises his glass. 

 

“To you and Connor,” he says, and he’s clearly a little drunk as well. “I’m proud of both of you. You’re going to go far.”

 

“Thanks,” says Sean with a smile, then goes and grabs a glass of water and puts it on the counter. His dad sits down and looks at him intently for a long moment. “Is everything okay?”

 

“I wasn’t prepared for you and your brother,” Larry confesses. “It all happened so quickly. I wasn’t prepared at all. I had to… I had to make sure you had everything and were safe. I had to keep you safe. Your whole lives… all I’ve ever wanted was to keep you safe.”

 

Sean doesn’t know what to say. What his dad is saying isn’t making sense. “We’re safe, Dad,” he assures him. “You’ve kept us safe.”

 

Larry’s expression darkens. “When you’re in Connecticut… when you’re in college, and you’re far away from us, just… be careful. You and your brother, you’ve got to protect each other. Be there for each other. Be careful of who you let close, who you let in. You’ve got… you’re special, both of you, and there’s so much you don’t know and you’ve got to… you’ve got to keep each other safe.”

 

“Dad,” Sean says gently. “You’re not making any sense.”

 

His dad reaches over and takes his arm. “You’ve got to keep each other safe.”

 

A chill goes right through him. “Of course. Of course we’ll keep each other safe.”

 

“Good,” says his dad, nodding firmly. “You’re both… your mother and I love you so, so much. Look after each other. Together you’re strong enough to deal with anything.” He takes another sip of his scotch, then laughs a little. “They’ve underestimated you. I’m sure of it.” He raises his glass, and Sean’s beyond confused at his next words. “Give ‘em hell, son.”

 

* * *

 

Connor’s feeling pretty good about college. 

 

He likes all his classes. He’s met some cool people. He’s getting used to sharing a room with Sean again. He misses Evan like crazy, but they see each other almost every weekend, and FaceTime almost every day. Evan’s doing really well, and there’s talk of him even transferring next semester, which is pretty exciting. 

 

All in all, it’s good. Life is good. 

 

He and Sean don’t have any classes together and keep relatively different schedules, so even though they’re roommates they don’t always see each other all that often. It’s a big campus - huge, actually - and Sean’s getting involved in all sorts of events whereas Connor’s happy to just potter around the library in his free time. 

 

There’s a poetry group he’s thinking about joining. 

 

Maybe. He’s not sure. Sean’s always telling him his taste in poetry is super depressing. 

 

Connor’s waiting for Sean at a coffee cart in one of the quads when he gets a Snapchat from Zoe. It’s a selfie of her and Jen at the GSA bake sale. Jen’s smushing a cupcake on her face and it’s ridiculously cute. 

 

He puts his phone in his pocket and finds himself face to face with a confused looking redhead. 

 

“What happened to your hair?” she asks. 

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Your hair, Lucas,” she repeats, sounding more perplexed than annoyed. “Did you get extensions? Are you having some kind of quarter-life crisis?”

 

“Sorry I’m late,” says a familiar voice. Connor looks at his twin gratefully. The redheaded girl is moved from confused to freaked out. Sean looks at the girl and smiles. “Hi there, I’m Sean, Connor’s twin. Do you guys have classes together?”

 

“Nope,” says Connor abruptly. He’s about to say something when a guy about their height approaches, face white as a sheet. 

 

He looks just like Sean. 

 

Just like Connor. 

 

Same nose, same ears, same speck of brown in blue eyes. Tall and lanky and mostly leg and…

 

Absolutely identical. 

 

This guy’s got short hair like Sean and he’s wearing a polo shirt and he’s kind of preppy and he looks terrified but also kind of guilty. 

 

Sean stares at the guy who just approached, looks back at Connor, then looks back at the guy. The girl with the red hair looks at the guy just arrived, her expression absolutely freaked out. 

 

“Lucas, what the hell is going on?” 

 

The guy takes a deep breath and goes to speak. 

 

Connor realizes, at that moment, that nothing is ever going to be the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not write more Murphy Twins at a later date, but that's it for this part of the tale!


	3. Long Live Ben Childs, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story 2: Long Live Ben Childs
> 
> What if Connor met Ben before he took the pills?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to another AU of an AU. 
> 
> You might find the opening lines familiar.

There’s a bottle in the pocket of Connor Murphy’s hoodie. His hands are also in his pocket, and he’s grasping the pill bottle, trying to minimize the rattling sound it makes as he walks through the park as midnight approaches.

 

He’s weirdly paranoid that the sound of the pills rattling is making too much noise and someone’s going to come along and arrest him for disturbing the peace or some bullshit.

 

That probably isn’t going to happen, but who knows? He’s really fucking high right now.

 

It’s colder than it should be for September, and he’s been walking for longer than he can remember. His parents had confiscated his car keys after they caught him smoking on the roof the week before school started, so he’d just… walked. And kept walking.

 

Sure, he’d thought about just taking one of the cars and either stealing keys or just hotwiring it, he guesses, but it seemed kind of rude.

 

You know, seeing as he was headed to the park to kill himself. Making someone in his family have to retrieve a car on top of identifying his dead body just seems like a step too far right now. For some reason.

 

Plus, he’s never hotwired a car.

 

He idly thinks to himself that there’s a lot of things he’s going to die never having done.

 

There’s a piece of paper in the pocket of Connor Murphy’s hoodie, printed at the school computer lab by a kid he barely knows, taken in a moment of anger, then carefully folded and put away.

 

But he’s not thinking about that right now.

 

He’s thinking about the fact that he might be stoned out of his mind, but he’s ninety percent sure that the lanky kid sitting on the park bench in front of him has his face.

 

The closer he gets, the more certain he has about what he’s seeing. 

 

This guy looks exactly like him. 

 

Same ears, same eyes, same nose, same jawline. 

 

The only differences are in how they’re dressed. This kid’s got that hipster haircut that’s popular these days - kind of short at the edges but a bit of volume at the top. He clearly puts a lot more effort into his appearance than Connor ever has - there’s definitely a hair product situation going on. He’s wearing a navy blue blazer over a charcoal colored shirt, along with black skinny jeans that are more or less exactly what Connor’s wearing, except that instead of boots, this guy’s wearing loafers.

 

He’s a hell of a lot more put together than Connor, that’s for sure. Not that it’s something Connor’s ever really cared about, but… well… it’s surreal.

 

The guy looks at him, his eyes dark and sad and… somehow disappointed. 

 

“I must be higher than I thought,” Connor blurts out. 

 

The kid laughs, a little bitterly. 

 

“Of course,” he mutters. “Of  _ fucking _ course.” He raises his chin, somewhat defiantly. “Out of all people, it just had to be you.”

 

“You look like me,” says Connor, immediately regretting having spoken because he must sound like a fucking idiot. 

 

“Yeah,” says the kid flatly. “Yeah, I do, and it’s all a fucking mess.” He runs his hand through his short hair then practically glares at Connor. “And you’re…” He sighs. Nods to himself. 

 

Something in the kid seems to shift. 

 

He gets up off the bench and stands, then extends his hand. 

 

“I’m Ben,” he says. 

 

Connor looks at the hand that’s being extended toward him for a moment, then takes it, for lack of anything else to do. “Connor.”

 

Ben nods. “I know. You’re Connor Murphy.” He laughs humorlessly. “Believe it or not, I came here looking for you.”

 

“Why?” Connor asks. 

 

Ben’s quiet for a moment. “Honestly?” he says finally, shrugging a little. “I wanted to see what you were like. I didn’t… I never thought we’d actually come to face to face.”

 

“You’ve been spying on me?” Connor demands. “What the fuck?”

 

“You said it yourself,” Ben says. “You look like me. And I look like you.”

 

Connor blinks. “Is this some kind of Parent Trap fuckery, because… that’s fucked up.”

 

Ben actually laughs at that. “Believe me, this being a Parent Trap situation might be easier to swallow.” He takes a deep breath, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “We’re clones. You and I, and… who knows how many others.” He scrolls through something on the phone screen, then shows Connor a photo. 

 

And Connor genuinely thinks his heart stops. 

 

Because it’s him. 

 

But it’s not just him, it’s… him, times four. 

 

Four identical faces, staring back from the screen of the phone. 

 

It’s a selfie, Connor thinks, because one of the faces has to be Ben, who’s standing right in front of him. It definitely looks like him with his hipster haircut and a blazer and a shirt. 

 

Next to him is a kid with unruly curls and glasses and a couple of unfortunately placed pimples. This one is less angular than Connor and Ben, but it’s still the same face. Just a little… softer, somehow. 

 

Then there’s a guy in what looks like a soccer shirt and hair that’s shorter - not quite a buzz cut but not far off. He looks like he doesn’t particularly want to be in the photo. From what Connor can see of his upper arm muscles, he’s in better shape than the rest of them. 

 

This one kind of looks like an asshole. 

 

It’s the fourth version of his face that really gets his attention. Bright pink hair styled into kind of a mohawk with shaved sides. A lip piercing. And bright green eyeshadows, smeared across eyelids like warpaint. 

 

It’s surreal. 

 

It’s fucking surreal. 

 

He’s  _ got _ to be high. 

 

“Clones?” he repeats, like an idiot. 

 

“Clones,” Ben confirms, nodding. He takes his phone back. “Look, I get that this is a lot to process-”

 

“No.”

 

Ben frowns. “No?”

 

Connor shakes his head. “No. Clones is just… no, this is some kind of fucked up joke.” He can feel himself getting angrier and angrier. “You’re fucking with me. You showed up at this park to fuck with me and fuck with my plans and prove to everyone once and for all that I’m crazy. I’m not fucking crazy, okay? Fucking asshole.”

 

Ben just looks bewildered. “Why the fuck would I joke about this?”

 

Connor throws up his hands in frustration. “You tell me,  _ Ben.  _ If that’s even your name. I don’t know why the fuck you look like me but you’re not going to trick me with this fucking clone bullshit, so don’t… don’t fucking bother.”

 

It’s like his skin is vibrating. Nothing’s making any fucking sense. This kid looks like him, there are three other people in a photo who look like him, he’s spinning some bullshit about fucking clones and it can’t be real, it’s not possible, it’s not something that fucking happens. There are a million questions running around his head and a complete mess of emotions and honestly, being angry is the only thing he can process because at least it’s fucking familiar at this stage. 

 

“Fuck this,” he mutters, and as he turns to go Ben grabs his arm. Hard. He swings back around to face him and tries to pull away, but this guy’s got a grip on him. “Don’t  _ fucking _ touch me.”

 

“I’m not lying about this,” Ben replies, his voice insistent. “This isn’t a joke, Connor.” He looks almost as pissed as Connor feels, and that just makes Connor angrier because what right does this asshole have to be mad? “Look, I didn’t plan for you to find out about this, okay? But now you have. So we have to deal with it. And I can’t let you just run off and start telling people about this.”

 

Connor’s actually stunned for a second. 

 

There’s just… a lot to process there. 

 

“What do you mean you didn’t plan for me to find out?” he asks finally. “You just… you just wanted to creepily watch me?”

 

“I told you, there are others,” Ben shoots back. “I’ve been trying to find out how many. This summer I’ve been looking into it. Trying to find out if… trying to figure out who could handle it if I told them the truth.”

 

Ben still hasn’t let go of Connor’s arm. He pulls away again, and this time manages to get loose. “So, what?” Connor asks heatedly. “You creepily watched me for however long and then decided that I didn’t deserve to know about this clone bullshit?”

 

“You just said you think I’m fucking with you,” Ben shoots back. “Either you believe me or you don’t.”

 

“And you said that you had to deal with me knowing,” Connor replies. “So where does that leave us?”

 

Ben stares at him for a moment, then laughs hollowly. “Christ,” he mutters under his breath. “This is… not how I expected tonight to go.”

 

“And how exactly did you expect tonight to go?”

 

Ben blinks. “Honestly?” he says, his voice low. “I expected it to end with me dying on this bench.”

 

Connor’s heart starts to beat uncomfortably loud. 

 

The sound drowns out everything around him and gets louder and louder, hurtling toward a crescendo and everything in his brain is screaming and

 

He looks at the boy who shares his face. 

 

He finds himself laughing. 

 

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Me fucking too.”

 

* * *

 

There’s a bottle of sleeping pills in the pocket of Benjamin Childs’s blazer, but he’s not thinking about that right now. 

 

He’s thinking about the fact that he’s sitting in Denny’s, face to face with one of his clones who still doesn’t seem entirely convinced that this entire encounter isn’t just a bad trip. 

 

It’s two in the morning and they’re the only ones in this restaurant. To his credit, their server doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck that they’re identical. 

 

Ben orders a milkshake and, weirdly, thinks of Pippa. 

 

She always liked doing the whole cutesy ‘share a milkshake’ thing. 

 

He wonders if she’d care if he died, or if she’d just be pissed off that he ruined the experiment. 

 

Connor orders fries, and there’s something in his tone that makes Ben think that he’s still not sure any of this is real. 

 

Ben resolves to pick up the check. 

 

At this stage, it’s probably the least he could do. 

 

“So,” says Ben when their orders arrive. “You’ve probably got questions.”

 

Connor shrugs. “I mean, I still don’t know if I believe you.” He looks at his fries like he’s trying to figure out what they are. “You could just be a long lost twin separated at birth who’s good at Photoshop.”

 

“Are you adopted?” Ben asks. 

 

Connor goes to shake his head, then just shrugs again. “I mean, if I am, my parents haven’t said anything.” He kind of laughs. “And everyone says my sister and I look alike.”

 

Ben thinks back to lurking around the school campus earlier that day. 

 

The day before. 

 

Whatever. 

 

It’s two am, they’re at Denny’s - time has no meaning here. 

 

“You and your sister don’t exactly seem close,” he ventures. 

 

Connor’s face darkens. “Oh, that’s right,” he says sarcastically. “You’ve been spying on me.” He crosses his arms. “So, what, you followed me around school all day?”

 

Ben smirks. “Not all day. But yeah, I followed you a little.” 

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “Let me guess, you ran around with one of those glasses and nose combo things on your face all day,” he continues. “Or in some kind of cape.”

 

Ben actually has to laugh at that. It’s a ridiculous mental image. 

 

Honestly, keeping an eye on Connor and getting some sort of a handle of what kind of person he was hadn’t been that difficult. Ben had put on a hoodie and just kind of wandered around the school, keeping the hood up so no one got a good look at his face and every now and then hid in the bathroom for a bit. 

 

Ben’s still not really sure why he did it, to be honest. 

 

It was risky and stupid and kind of unnecessary. 

 

But for some reason, he’d just… wanted to know. 

 

The picture he’d gotten of Connor Murphy in the short time he’d spent had been… pretty bleak. He’d barely spoken to anyone and the only people he had spoken to had resulted in some kind of argument. 

 

Ben had watched as Connor pushed some kid in a polo shirt with a cast on his arm right to the ground. 

 

Connor hadn’t made the greatest first impression. 

 

Ben hadn’t stayed around for the whole school day, but he’d heard other students talking about Connor. 

 

And the things they said…

 

Fuck. 

 

Ben thinks that if he had to go to school every day with a bunch of people who thought he was an unstable psycho, he’d probably just throw up his hands and say “fine, if that’s what you want” too. 

 

He’d seen Connor’s sister apologize to the kid with the cast on behalf of her brother. 

 

Again, not being particularly flattering. 

 

But he’d also seen Connor keeping an eye on the kid with the cast throughout the day. Kind of hesitantly. 

 

Like he was trying to find a way to apologize. 

 

Ben had nearly run into the cast-kid at one stage. Just narrowly missed him. He’d gone into a classroom, and Connor had followed him maybe ten minutes later. 

 

He’d left campus then and headed back to his car. 

 

Considered driving home, but instead stopped at a park and curled up in the backseat of his car and slept for what must have been hours. 

 

When he woke up, it was late. 

 

And even though he’d just slept, he was still just so exhausted. 

 

It was all too much. 

 

Everything was just… too much. 

 

He’d been carrying a full bottle of sleeping pills around with him for the past month. 

 

Ben just kept putting it off. 

 

It had seemed like the right time. 

 

Then Connor Murphy showed up. 

 

“If someone was going to clone people,” Connor says, a little too casually, “then why would they just… let us run around? Wouldn’t you want to keep clones in a lab or something?”

 

Ben thinks about the idea of growing up in a lab. 

 

He imagines it’d feel restrictive and stifling and lonely…

 

Fuck, not all that different to how he feels at the moment. 

 

“The whole world is the lab,” Ben says, and it’s a tad more philosophical than what he usually goes for, but Connor seems to actually be considering it. 

 

“I guess the whole cloning thing could explain why we both want to die,” Connor says frankly. “Maybe when they made us, they just… forgot the part that’s supposed to make us happy like normal people.”

 

Ben thinks about everything he knows about the clones. 

 

About the suicides. 

 

About the murders. 

 

About the illness.

 

“Maybe,” he concedes. 

 

Connor looks at him, biting his lip and frowning. “So… what am I supposed to do with this information?” he says. “This whole clone thing. And what does it even mean?”

 

Ben shrugs. “It’s up to you.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“Do you want to meet the others?” Ben asks. “Get to know them? It’s not like… I don’t need you to do anything, I just need you to not tell anyone.”

 

Connor stares at him for a moment. “If you’ve been following me,” he says flatly, “then you must have figured out by now that I’ve got no one to tell.”

 

That’s possibly the saddest fucking thing Ben has ever heard. 

 

Ben’s filled with sympathy for this kid with his face, sitting across the table from him, long hair forming a curtain over sharp features identical to his own. 

 

“If you want to pretend that none of this ever happened,” Ben says hesitantly, “then that’s your call. But if you wanted to keep in touch… get to know the rest of us… we can make that happen.”

 

Connor blinks. “Why would you want to keep in touch with me?” He sinks further into his seat. “You spent the day following me and decided not to tell me about the clone thing because I’m a fucking psycho. Now you’re all ‘let’s keep in touch’?” 

 

All of a sudden, he leans forward and rests his arms against the table, his eyes blazing. 

 

“You just want to keep an eye on me. Make sure I don’t do anything fucking stupid.”

 

Ben’s not really sure to say, because at the end of the day Connor’s not wrong. 

 

“It might help,” he says instead, “to have some solid proof you’re not alone.”

 

Connor just stares at him for a long moment. 

 

He looks as tired as Ben feels. 

 

It feels like forever before either of them speak. 

 

“I can’t give you my number,” Ben says finally. “Not yet. I’ll need to get you a secure phone first.”

 

Connor’s eyes widen. “Why?”

 

“Because you were right about the lab thing,” Ben says reluctantly. “There are people watching us. Keeping tabs on us. And they’ve put a lot of effort into making sure we’re in the dark about what we really are, so we’re doing everything we can to make sure they don’t know we’re self-aware.”

 

Connor sits up. The movement is slow but deliberate. 

 

Ben’s reminded of a cat, or a panther, or some other kind of feline, getting ready to strike. 

 

“People watching us?” he repeats, his expression deceptively calm. 

 

“There’s some kind of monitor program in place,” Ben explains. “It’s not like there’s someone watching your every move, but… chances are there’s someone in your life who’s reporting back about you to the organization who created us.” He sighs. “I don’t know much about them… yet. But I do know that it’s a part of the DYAD Institute.”

 

Connor blinks a few more times. “There’s someone in my life who’s telling some creepy organization about me,” he says, like he’s trying to make it make sense. He’s quiet for a moment, then he sinks back into his seat at the booth. “I bet it’s my dad. He’s always going through my phone and my emails.”

 

“Maybe,” Ben concedes. “It’s possible, at least.”

 

“Fuck,” says Connor, slowly and with feeling. 

 

Ben thinks. “Tell you what. I’ll get you a phone tomorrow and we’ll catch up after school so I can give it to you.”

 

Connor stares, then laughs. “Like I’m actually going to school after you drop that fucking bomb on me.”

 

“You need to keep living your life like everything’s normal,” Ben insists. “You can’t let anyone know about this.”

 

Connor picks up a fry, inspects it, then puts it back on the plate. “Are we just going to ignore the massive elephant in the room?” he says bluntly. 

 

Ben’s heart starts pounding too fast. “What do you mean?” he asks, knowing full well what Connor’s talking about. 

 

Connor’s face breaks into a slow, sarcastic, lazy smile. “We’ve both got a bottle full of pills and every intention of shuffling off this mortal coil.” Then he leans forward. “I could be imagining all of this. We could both be dead already.”

 

Ben honestly hadn’t considered that. 

 

He’s pretty sure he’d know if he was dead. 

 

Then again, nothing’s really making much sense anymore.

 

“Stay alive another day,” he says instead. “And I’ll do the same. And tomorrow I’ll meet you in the parking lot after school and give you a secure phone and… we can both take it from there, okay?”

 

Connor keeps staring for a moment. Then he nods. “Fine. Whatever.”

 

Ben’s overcome with a feeling of intense relief and he doesn’t know why. 

 

For some reason, it’s important to him that Connor Murphy stay alive. 

 

And if he has to stay alive to make sure of it, then so be it. 

 

* * *

Connor gets home just before sunrise.

 

He lies down on his bed and stares at the ceiling for a long time, watching as the light of the morning turns the ceiling from pitch black to a hazy gray.

 

It’s not long before he hears the sounds of the other members of his family getting up to get ready for the day. 

 

It all seems like some kind of weird dream. 

 

He’s not supposed to be here. 

 

He’s not supposed to have made it to his second day of senior year. 

 

That was the whole fucking point. 

 

It doesn’t take too long before his mother is opening his door and telling him to get up for school and all he really wants to do is curl up and go to sleep but he’s got a sneaking suspicion he’s not going to be able to sleep, so…

 

Connor gets out of bed. 

 

Takes off his hoodie. 

 

Realizes there’s something in the pocket. 

 

There’s a moment where he forgets what it is and goes to open it, but then he remembers. 

 

Evan Hansen’s depressing as fuck letter. 

 

He doesn’t want to see that shit.

 

He considers ripping it into pieces and throwing it in the trash. Throwing it out the window. Throwing it in the toilet. Something.

 

Instead, he takes the folded piece of paper, folds it once more and shoves it in the back pocket of his jeans. 

 

He’s got no idea why. 

 

He throws on a beaten up jacket he got from a thrift store, picks up his bag and heads downstairs to the kitchen. 

 

Connor opens the fridge, drinks the rest of the milk straight from the carton despite his mother’s protests then puts it on the bench. 

 

Then for some reason, he picks it up again and puts it in the trash. 

 

“Looking forward to your second day?” says his mother brightly. 

 

Too brightly. 

 

It’s a hospital-grade fluorescent light bulb kind of sound. 

 

Connor shrugs and picks up an apple from the bowl on the table. 

 

Bites into it and makes a face. 

 

It’s floury as fuck. 

 

He finishes the bite then throws the rest in the trash. 

 

Then he leaves the kitchen and heads toward the front door, despite his mother protesting that he should wait for his sister to drive him. 

 

Connor’s just going to walk. 

 

He’ll be doing Zoe a favor.

 

The less time he spends around her, the better. Especially now that he knows the truth. 

 

That either he’s not a real fucking person or he’s, like, properly certifiable. 

 

It’s a longer walk than he remembers, but Connor doesn’t really care. Now that it’s daylight, he’s trying to make sense of everything that happened last night and none of it’s making any fucking sense. 

 

He probably just imagined all of it. 

 

Like, he’s probably actually completely delusional. 

 

There’s no way he met someone in the middle of the night who looked exactly like him. 

 

There’s no way he’s part of some bullshit cloning conspiracy. 

 

It’s just…

 

That’s not the kind of thing that happens to him. 

 

That’s not the kind of thing that  _ happens. _

 

So basically there are two options, Connor thinks as he approaches the school grounds. 

 

Either he is a clone and was genuinely created in a test tube and might be, like, fucking adopted or whatever and his parents are reporting his every move to the weird science organization that made him. 

 

Or he’s actually, one hundred percent, completely delusional. 

 

Like, he’s had some kind of psychotic break and imagined the whole damn thing. 

 

When he gets to school, there’s someone standing at his locker. 

 

It’s Evan Hansen. 

 

He’s standing there, picking at the edge of his polo shirt, practically shaking, and fucking hell, why did Connor write his name so damn big on his cast? It’s like, right there. He can see it all the way from across the hall. 

 

Fuck this. 

 

There’s nothing he needs at his locker, anyway. 

 

Actually, fuck all of this. 

 

Instead of going to homeroom, he heads toward the football field and gets high under the bleachers. 

 

He puts his bag on the ground and rests his head on it and takes a nap. 

 

Connor wakes up to the sound of a whistle blowing and checks his phone to see it’s the end of the school day. 

 

He’s genuinely slept through the entire day. 

 

Instead of feeling better, he actually just feels worse. His high has worn off and there’s a shooting pain between his eyes and…

 

Ben’s meeting him after school. With a phone or some shit. 

 

If he didn’t imagine the whole fucking thing. 

 

Connor gets up and heads back into the building, remembering he’s got a bottle of water in his locker that might actually help with his fucking headache. He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn’t realize that once again, Evan Hansen is standing at his locker. 

 

Fuck. 

 

Evan’s face is white and he’s already started to stammer before he’s even managed to start talking. 

 

“Connor, I need that letter-”

 

“Just leave me alone,” he snaps, pushing past Evan to open his locker. 

 

“You don’t understand,” Evan continues, and he’s visibly shaking. “I need that letter back, I didn’t write it to freak you out, it was for therapy and I need - I need it back, so can you please just give it back, please?”

 

“Therapy?” Connor repeats incredulously. “Why the fuck would you… never mind, I don’t actually care.” He fumbles around in the back pocket of his jeans, and he can see Evan let out a visible sigh of relief. 

 

Then he stops. 

 

Thinks. 

 

“I’ll give you the letter back if you come with me to the parking lot.”

 

Evan stares at him for a moment. “What? I, I don’t… why?”

 

Connor takes the bottle of water out of his locker then slams his locker shut. He puts the water in his bag. Then he grabs Evan’s good arm and all but drags him outside. 

 

Evan’s stammering out questions and looks completely bewildered and Connor doesn’t actually give a fuck what the kid has to say, he just needs someone else to see this. 

 

They get to the parking lot and Connor’s stomach churns when he sees the car he remembers from last night. 

 

He’d let Ben drive him to Denny’s and then drive him home in that car. 

 

It had smelled kind of awful, like stale body spray and too-strong air freshener. 

 

“That red car,” he says, gesturing to it vaguely. “Do you see it?”

 

Evan nods. “Yes?”

 

Connor grits his teeth. “That’s a fucking start,” he mutters under his breath. 

 

Then he tightens his grip on Evan’s arm and moves them both closer to the car. The parking lot is, thankfully, pretty much empty, but Connor’s still not sure he can completely believe anything he sees right now. 

 

He just needs someone else to see this. 

 

Even if it’s Evan fucking Hansen with his broken arm and creepy crush on Connor’s sister. 

 

When they reach the car, Connor knocks on the driver’s side window. 

 

And knocks. 

 

And just keeps knocking and knocking until finally, the door springs open and Ben climbs out of the car, looking royally pissed off. 

 

“What part of ‘don’t tell anyone about this’ did you not understand?” 

 

Connor turns to Evan, who’s gone white as a sheet. Shakes his arm a little. 

 

“Do you see him?” 

 

“What?”

 

“Do. You. See. Him?”

 

Evan’s eyes are as wide as fucking dinner plates and he nods. 

 

Ben sighs. He looks at Connor with an expression that’s part frustration, part confusion. “Why is he here?” Ben asks finally. 

 

“Because I needed to be sure I wasn’t fucking insane, okay?” Connor snaps back. “I needed be sure I wasn’t having some kind of… break from reality.”

 

“What - what the fuck is going on?” Evan asks, his voice at least a few octaves higher than it probably should be. 

 

There is something very jarring about clean-cut Evan Hansen swearing. 

 

It’s enough to shock Connor back to the reality of the situation. 

 

“So it’s real,” Connor says finally. “This is actually real.”

 

“What’s real?” Evan asks, his voice getting more and more insistent. “Is this some kind of long lost twin situation? Or is this more like, parallel universe Connor or something?”

 

“Parallel universe?” says Ben, clearly at least a little amused. “That’s a new one.”

 

“Who are you?” Evan asks Ben, point blank, and Connor has to hand it to him - he’s actually handling this a lot better than Connor expected. 

 

“Benjamin Childs,” he says, extending a hand to Evan. “Who are you?”

 

Connor’s kind of impressed that Evan doesn’t accept Ben’s handshake. He’d have pegged Evan for someone who follows all those social niceties to the letter because it’s just what you do. 

 

“This is Evan,” Connor says when it becomes obvious that he’s not going to say anything. “We, uh… we go to school together.”

 

Ben rolls his eyes. “We’re literally outside your school,” he points out. “It’s not a stretch.”

 

“Okay,” says Evan finally, his voice shaky. “So… you look the same. Like, exactly the same. Like you’re twins. Is this… is this what this is?”

 

Ben looks at Connor, clearly frustrated. 

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, dude,” Connor says to Ben. “Like, do I tell him, or what?”

 

“You’re the one who brought him here,” Ben points out. 

 

“Yeah, to make sure I wasn’t fucking delusional,” Connor counters. 

 

Ben stares at Connor for a long time, then throws up his hands in frustration. “Fine. Okay.” He looks at Evan. “Connor and I look alike because we’re clones.”

 

Evan opens and shuts his mouth a few times like a goldfish. 

 

Finally, finally he says something. 

 

“Bull - bullshit.”

 

Connor’s eyebrows hit his hairline. 

 

He was not expecting that.

 

Evan’s face is going redder and redder. “So - so I get that I’m a loser and that it’s fun to… to make fun of me and stuff, but - but this isn’t… this isn’t funny?”

 

“I’m not laughing,” Connor shoots back, his voice sharp. “This isn’t a fucking joke, Hansen.” He points to Ben. “I ran into this guy last night. He told me we were clones. And that it’s not just us, there are a whole bunch of other sorry assholes with our face.”

 

Ben pulls out his phone and shows it to Evan. Connor imagines it’s the same photo he saw last night. 

 

Evan’s face drains of color. 

 

Connor watches him closely to see how he’ll react. 

 

Honestly? 

 

He wouldn’t blame the guy if he ran away screaming. 

 

“Clones,” Evan says finally. “Like… actual human cloning.” 

 

There’s something that kind of sparks in Evan’s expression at that. 

 

“Actual human cloning,” Ben confirms. “It takes a bit of getting used to.”

 

“I’m still not sure I completely believe it,” Connor says flatly. “It’s impossible.”

 

“It’s not impossible,” Evan says immediately. “They cloned Dolly the sheep from an adult cell in 1996. I mean, it was hard - there were nearly 300 attempts and only one actually ended up working. But you guys are my age, which means you would have been born in the year 2000. It’s kind of out there, but the science checks out.”

 

Ben and Connor exchange a look. 

 

“How do you know all this?” Ben asks. 

 

Evan colors immediately. “I, uh, I read a lot about science,” he says. “I think it’s interesting?”

 

“You’d like Reed,” Ben says thoughtfully. “They’re a huge science geek, too.”

 

“Is that another one of the clones?” Evan asks. 

 

There’s something almost… eager in his tone. 

 

Connor doesn’t like it. 

 

At all. 

 

He doesn’t want to be some kind of freak show curiosity to Evan fucking Hansen. 

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Connor says. He pulls the letter out of his pocket and holds it in front of him. “Here’s how this is going to go. I’m going to give you this letter back, and you’re never going to tell anyone about this whole cloning thing, okay?” 

 

Evan’s eyes widen, then he nods. “Okay.”

 

He grabs the letter off him so quickly it’s jarring. He looks at Ben, then at Connor. 

 

“We’re done here,” Connor announces. “You can go.”

 

Ben looks at Connor, then back at Evan. “Do you need a ride?”

 

Connor’s shaking his head before Evan can even reply. “He doesn’t. Come on, let’s go.”

 

With that, he walks around to climb into the passenger side of Ben’s car, not bothering to look to see if Evan’s trying to argue. 

 

When Ben gets into the driver’s seat, it becomes pretty obvious that Evan’s not coming with them. Both Ben and Connor watch as Evan all but runs toward the parking lot exit. 

 

Ben backs out of the parking space, steady and checking every mirror just like you’re supposed to. Honestly, the guy drives like every day’s a Driver’s Ed test. 

 

Once they’re out of the parking lot, Evan’s nowhere to be found. Connor’s not sure where they’re going but doesn’t want to ask. 

 

Until it becomes obvious they’re leaving town. 

 

Before Connor can say anything, Ben speaks. 

 

“We’re headed to New Jersey. There’s another clone there and he’s got a phone for you.”

 

There’s a part of Connor that thinks he should be considering things like ‘how long is it going to take to drive to New Jersey and back?’ and ‘my parents are going to freak out if I don’t come home’ but he’s not about to bring either of those things up because he honestly doesn’t care. 

 

This clone bullshit might be bullshit, but it’s the most interesting thing to happen to him in years. 

 

Maybe the only interesting thing to ever happen to him. 

 

And he has to admit, he’s beyond curious about what happens next. 

 

* * *

There is a part of Ben that really wants to slap Connor right now.

 

The last thing any of them need is someone else dragged into this clone mess. It’s bad enough that Connor knows, but now there’s this Evan kid involved as well? 

 

It feels like the beginning of a slippery slope to all hell breaking loose and Ben is beyond unimpressed. 

 

He manages not to say anything until they’re nearly in New Jersey. They’ve spent the entire journey in silence, Connor looking out the window like a protagonist in some terrible independent coming-of-age movie. 

 

When he finally cracks, he thinks he’s doing well to be at least slightly calm about all of this. 

 

“Why the actual fuck would you drag Evan into this?” 

 

Connor almost jumps. He clearly hadn’t expected Ben to start talking. 

 

“I told you,” he says petulantly. “I needed to be sure someone else was seeing you. I needed to know I wasn’t having some kind of psychotic break.” 

 

“You absolutely cannot tell anyone else about this,” Ben says determinedly. “I am completely serious about this. No one else.” 

 

“Noted,” says Connor with a roll of his eyes.

 

“This isn’t a joke-”

 

“I said I wouldn’t tell anyone else, okay?” Connor snaps. “And even if Evan wanted to tell people, no one would believe him.” He laughs a little. “Kid can barely get a fucking sentence out, anyway.” 

 

That seems… unnecessarily cruel, and from the uneasy silence that follows, it seems like Connor’s aware he’s gone too far. 

 

He doesn’t make any effort to apologize. He just curls in on himself, looking out the window again. 

 

It’s not long before they’re parked around the corner of Torpedo’s house. Ben pulls out his phone and texts Torpedo to say they’ve arrived. Torpedo texts back to let them know he’s expecting them. 

 

Ben then focuses all his energy on getting a bewildered Connor into Torpedo’s room as stealthily as he can. He knows from early correspondence that Torpedo’s mom is out of town, but still - the last thing they need is nosy neighbors. 

 

Connor doesn’t protest as he’s all but dragged around the corner and into Torpedo’s room. He does, however, raise his eyebrows a little when he sees Torpedo. 

 

Who is obviously high. He’s got a joint in his hand and he offers it to Ben immediately. 

 

Ben shakes his head. 

 

Torpedo then focuses his attention on Connor, who barely hesitates before taking him up on sharing his weed. 

 

“This is Connor,” Ben says, even though it’s obvious. 

 

“This one’s my favorite,” Connor announces before flopping down on the couch next to Torpedo and taking a hit of the joint. “Sorry man.”

 

Torpedo cracks up laughing. “I can’t believe you brought him all the way out here just to get a phone,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Jesus, Ben.”

 

“We’re here to get a phone?” Connor asks, blinking. 

 

“Yeah, dude.” Torpedo takes the joint from Connor and once again, offers it to Ben. “Come on, Ben. Lighten up a little.” 

 

“Peer pressure’s not cool,” Ben deadpans. 

 

“Your mom’s not cool,” Torpedo mutters, then takes another hit. 

 

“The phone,” Ben says, trying to fight back his rising irritation, and also trying not to be offended by the fact that Connor seems to have settled in on the couch quite happily without even taking a moment to be weirded out by another identical face. 

 

“Right,” says Torpedo absently, picking up a phone in a green case from the coffee table and handing it to Connor with a flourish. “Okay, so. This is your clone phone.”

 

“It’s a phone,” Connor says, looking it over. “I could have just used my own phone or bought a burner or whatever. What’s so special about this?”

 

Torpedo’s eyes light up and he taps his nose like he’s got some big secret. “This phone is untraceable,” he says with pride. “Trust me, I coded the firewalls myself. You’ll be able to stay in touch with all of us. All the calls are completely private and the messaging system we use is private too.” He grins widely. “Also, it has Snake.”

 

“The clone phones have Snake?” Ben asks. 

 

Torpedo looks at him, a little apologetic. “Well, mine does, and so does Connor’s, but yours doesn’t because I didn’t think of it until a couple of weeks ago.” He holds out his hand. “Give me your clone phone and I’ll put Snake on it.”

 

“We don’t have time,” Ben replies, feeling more than a little irritated. “If we don’t want to completely freak out Connor’s parents, we need to get him home before it gets too late.”

 

Torpedo’s face falls a little. “I thought we could, like, hang out,” he says, a little defensively. He gestures to a Tupperware container on his coffee table. “My mom made cookies.”

 

“What kind?” Connor asks, looking at the container with interest. “And do they have gluten in them?”

 

Torpedo blinks in confusion. “Uh, yeah, I think so.”

 

“Awesome.” Connor opens the container, takes a cookie, bites into it and makes a noise of approval. “These are  _ awesome.” _

 

Ben looks at his watch, then at Torpedo and Connor who are passing the joint between them yet again. 

 

He sighs, takes a seat on the sofa next to them and helps himself to a cookie. 

 

Then passes Torpedo his phone so he can install Snake on it. 

 

It turns out that Torpedo and Connor are both talkative when they’re high. Connor’s on some long-winded explanation about how his mother thinks that gluten is going to kill them all so she doesn’t keep real food in the house, which Torpedo follows up with a story about how awesome his mom is. Ben, who hasn’t seen his mom since Christmas, doesn’t really have anything to add to the conversation, and the two of them seem quite happy with each other’s company. 

 

Then again, Ben should have seen this coming. Torpedo’s one of those people you can’t help but like. It’s no surprise that he and Connor get along so well. 

 

Ben’s always felt like the odd one out around his clones, anyway. 

 

The conversation then turns to the other clones, and Ben forces himself to pay attention because this is actually something that concerns him. Torpedo’s got Ben’s phone plugged into his laptop and is happily doing something with the keyboard but is still talking a mile a minute about the various different personalities in what he seems to have dubbed ‘Clone Club’. 

 

“Okay, so obviously you’ve got Ben here, who’s our fearless leader,” Torpedo says, gesturing at Ben with a flourish. “He’s the one who found all of us and brought us together.”

 

“That makes sense,” says Connor. He looks at Torpedo and gives this lopsided grin. “So is he as big a pain in the ass as he seems?”

 

Torpedo chuckles, then looks at Ben with an expression that he’s never actually seen before and looks weird on a face that looks like his. “Ben is a badass,” Torpedo says fondly. “He wants to know things. He wants all of this to make sense. He’s a journalist, so he’s all about getting to the bottom of what’s happening.” Something shifts behind Torpedo’s eyes, just for a moment. “Pretty sure there are plenty of things he’s not telling us.”

 

“Like what?” Connor asks, frowning a little. 

 

Torpedo shrugs. “How should I know, he’s not telling us.”

 

“I tell you everything you need to know,” Ben says, not a hundred percent sure if he’s lying. 

 

“See how that’s not an answer?” 

 

Connor looks at Ben and they lock eyes for a minute. 

 

The weight of what they were both prepared to do the night they met hangs between them. 

 

Connor is the first to look away. 

 

“So what about you?” he asks Torpedo. “You’re the computer guy, that much I can tell.”

 

Torpedo grins. “Yup. I’m the computer guy. Anything that needs doing on the tech side of things is my territory. Not that we do a lot, but I was in charge of figuring out a secure way for us to stay in touch.” He gestures to the clone phone. “You’re welcome.”

 

Connor takes this in. “Okay. So I saw a photo, and there were two others. One was like… some kind of sports, but the other had a pink mohawk? Definitely want to hear more about that.”

 

Torpedo laughs. “The pink mohawk is Reed,” he says with a grin. “Reed is legitimately the best person, oh my god. They’re, like, kind of a total hippy but also a huge science nerd, which kind of makes sense if you hear them talk about their moms - one’s a surgeon and one’s, like… all about the healing power of plants or some shit. Reed is, like, crazy smart, but they have the biggest heart, oh my god.” 

 

“Sounds cool,” says Connor, who’s clearly not a hundred percent sure how to take it. “I bet the other one’s a total dick.”

 

Ben can’t help laugh at that. “Lucas is fine,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “He’s just… he’s Lucas.”

 

“He likes soccer,” Torpedo says. “He’s really good at it, too. But yeah, he’s like… kind of the jock clone, I guess, even though some might say that soccer isn’t really a sport. Kind of preppy. His parents are like, old money Connecticut, high society bullshit.” 

 

“Huh,” is all Connor has to say to that. “Well, whatever.”

 

“And Snake is now on your phone!” Torpedo announces, disconnecting Ben’s phone from his laptop. “I’ve also done a couple of upgrades, so you’ll probably get better call quality as well.”

 

“Thanks,” says Ben as he takes the phone from Torpedo. He looks at Connor. “We really need to get you home.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “What makes you think I want to go home?” 

 

The room goes quiet for a moment. Torpedo and Ben exchange a look. 

 

“Dude,” says Torpedo finally. “If you, like, go missing, then there’ll probably be posters with your face all over them all around your neighborhood, right? That’s the kind of attention this face doesn’t need. You gotta lay low.” 

 

“How does this whole clone thing work, anyway?” Connor asks, ignoring Torpedo’s words entirely. “Like, are we all adopted? Do our parents know we’re clones? How does it work?”

 

“Well, I was an IVF baby,” Torpedo says. “So I think that’s probably what happened. Same for Ben and Lucas. Reed too, except it was a slightly different thing because of the whole ‘raised by lesbians’ thing.”

 

“Dude,” says Connor, raising his eyebrows. “You can’t, like, say that. It sounds like you’re equating lesbians and wolves.”

 

“Does it?” says Torpedo, his face falling. “Oh man. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, Reed’s lesbian moms who are not even slightly wolf-life!”

 

The two exchange a look and then burst out laughing. 

 

Ben sighs. “Okay Connor, I’m taking you home now.” 

 

Connor shakes his head. “I’m good here, thanks.”

 

Torpedo looks at Ben, then looks back at Connor. “Dude, we can totally hang out again whenever you want. But you disappearing on your folks is just gonna make things complicated and when things are complicated, there is way less time for weed.”

 

Connor blinks. “Sure,” he mutters. “Okay, whatever, fine, I’ll go home.”

 

Torpedo waves them off as they head into the night. They’ve barely been driving for ten minutes when Connor falls asleep and stays that way for most of the journey back to his hometown. 

 

It’s nearly midnight when they arrive around the corner from the Murphy house. Ben shakes Connor awake, who jumps and kind of glares at him. He looks like he’s about to just jump out of the car without saying anything so Ben grabs his arm. 

 

“You can’t tell anyone else about the clones,” Ben reminds him again, his voice firm. “I’m fucking serious, okay? You can call or text me or Torpedo whenever you want if you have questions, but you can’t talk to anyone else about it. Especially not your friend Evan.”

 

Connor glares at him. “Evan and I are not friends.”

 

Ben sighs. “Whatever the hell is going on there, you’re responsible for him knowing about this. So you’re responsible for making sure he keeps his mouth shut.”

 

“Whatever,” says Connor, rolling his eyes and shaking off Ben’s hand. 

 

He’s out of the car and headed toward his house before Ben can say anything else.

 

* * *

Connor’s woken up the next morning to his mother practically screaming at him, demanding to know where he’d been last night. He tells her to fuck off and pushes past her to go to the bathroom. Brushes his teeth. Has a shower.

 

When he goes downstairs to get something to eat, his parents and his sister are there. Both of his parents look furious and Zoe just looks annoyed, like he’s just ruining her day by being alive. 

 

“Where were you last night?” Cynthia demands, her voice shrill. “You didn’t come home for dinner, you weren’t answering your phone.”

 

“He was probably off getting high somewhere,” Zoe mutters, stirring her cereal like she’s looking for answers at the bottom of the bowl. 

 

“I was with a friend,” Connor says, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. 

 

“By that do you mean someone you do drugs with?” Larry asks sharply. 

 

Connor rolls his eyes. He remembers Ben staunchly refusing to smoke with him and Torpedo. 

 

Cynthia, meanwhile, seems to stop in her tracks. “Who’s this friend?” she asks. “I want to meet them.”

 

“Yeah, not happening,” says Connor flatly, drinking his juice and then putting the glass in the sink. 

 

“Connor doesn’t have friends,” Zoe says, almost sneering. 

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“Okay, fine,” says Connor irritably. It takes him a moment to piece it together, but he thinks he has a plan. “His name is Evan, and I was at his place last night. Sorry for not texting or whatever, I didn’t realize you needed to know where I was every fucking second, Jesus.”

 

The room is quiet for a while. 

 

“Well, it’s good that you have a friend,” says Cynthia finally. “You should invite him around for dinner.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “That’s a hard pass.”

 

“Come on,” Zoe says, her voice challenging. “I’m sure your friend Evan would love to come meet the parents. That is, if he’s actually your friend and not just some kid you’re fucking terrorizing at school and using as an alibi.”

 

Connor looks at Zoe, who smiles innocently and takes a sip of her orange juice. 

 

“I’ll ask him if he’s free when I see him at school,” Connor says after a moment. 

 

Cynthia smiles. “Perfect.”

 

Larry raises his eyebrows and sips his coffee, saying nothing. 

 

Zoe doesn’t add her two cents until they’re in her car on the way to school. “I saw you push Evan Hansen on the first day of school,” she says once she’s pulled out of the driveway. “You’re not friends.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“He’s a nice guy, he doesn’t deserve you threatening him.”

 

“Look, we’re actually friends,” Connor lies. “I talked to him, apologized for what happened on the first day of school and… he’s cool. We’re fine.” He fights down the irritation and leans into the lie. “We have a lot in common, actually.”

 

Zoe laughs. “Like what?”

 

“We’re both massive fucking losers.”

 

Zoe doesn’t argue. 

 

She also doesn’t say anything for the rest of the drive. 

 

When they get to school, Zoe disappears into the crowd, which doesn’t surprise him seeing as she likes to spend as little time around him during school hours as possible. 

 

Connor doesn’t blame her. If he had the option, he’d get as far away from himself as possible as well. 

 

It doesn’t take long to find Evan. He’s standing at Connor’s locker, holding what looks like a stack of printed paper. He looks nervous, but Connor’s starting to think that’s just the way he looks. 

 

“Hansen,” he says as he approaches. 

 

“Connor, hi,” Evan begins, his hands starting to shake. “This is, uh, I printed off some information about Dolly the sheep? I thought you might think it was interested because of the whole, you know, the thing that we talked about yesterday with the… the thing.”

 

Connor genuinely did not expect that. He takes the papers off Evan as gently as he can, then carefully puts them in his bag. “Thank you,” he says quietly. “I, uh… listen, I need a favor.”

 

Evan blinks. “Um. Okay?” 

 

“Look, I was hanging out with Ben last night and got home late and my mom went nuts so I said I was with you,” Connor says frankly, because he doesn’t see much point in beating around the bush. “Now she thinks we’re friends and wants to meet you. And she wants you to come for dinner.”

 

Evan’s eyes widen. “Why… why would you tell her that? You, like… you hate me, right?”

 

“I don’t hate you,” Connor says, this cold dead feeling spreading throughout his chest, because of course this kid thinks he fucking hates him, of course he’s that much of an asshole. “I… look, I’ll just tell her you’re busy, it’s whatever, I-”

 

“Your sister will be there,” Evan blurts out. “She, uh, she saw you push me the other day and said some things and…”

 

“You have a crush on her,” Connor says slowly when it’s obvious Evan’s finished talking. He doesn’t love that fact, but right now it could be an in. “Your letter said that if you could just talk to her…” He trails off, trying to figure out what to say next. “Look, this could work out for both of us. You cover for me when I’m doing… clone stuff and I’ll try to, like, I don’t know, make sure Zoe knows that even though we’re supposed to be friends, you’re not as much of a hopeless case as I am.”

 

Evan just stares at him for a moment. When he speaks, it’s a flood of words. “It’s just that you kind of seemed mad that I liked Zoe before, so this is weird for me that you’re - you’re suddenly okay with it, and then there’s the whole fact that I know this thing about you that no one else does even though it doesn’t seem real, and it’s just… there’s got to be something else going on, right? You’re not just all of a sudden cool with the fact I like your sister.”

 

“I don’t give a fuck whether you like my sister,” Connor snaps. He’s not sure if it’s a lie or not. “But I do need someone to cover for me. We’re supposed to keep all this clone stuff a secret, but I’m in touch with some of the others now and… maybe I’ll have to go to New Jersey again for whatever reason and I need to be able to tell my parents something so they don’t completely freak out. So if that means saying nice shit about you to my sister, then that’s fine by me.” He looks at Evan pointedly. “I’m not saying I’m setting you up with my sister. I’m just saying that you don’t know each other. If you get to know each other and she doesn’t like you, that’s got nothing to do with me. She’s a person and she makes her own decisions so you can’t pull any shit if she flat-out rejects you, okay?” 

 

“Of course,” says Evan, looking a little stung. He looks around like he’s trying to make sure no one’s listening in on them (of course no one is, no one cares enough to do that) then looks at Connor, his eyes wide. “And me not telling anyone about the whole clone thing has nothing to do with all of this, okay? I’m not… I’m not an idiot, I know that it’s probably, like, a huge secret that could get me killed if people knew I knew, so I’m not about to start going around yelling about it.” 

 

“Right,” says Connor flatly. “So. Covering for me for clone shit. Dinner with my family. Are you in?” 

 

Evan blinks, then looks at Connor and nods. “Yeah. I’m in.”

 

Since his mom didn’t specify a night, Connor figures he’ll give Evan some time to get used to the idea. When he gets home that afternoon, he tells his mom that Evan’s coming around for dinner next Friday. 

 

The smile on her face fucking stings. 

 

No parent should be so fucking happy at the knowledge that their kid has, like, one damn friend. 

 

Connor holes up in his room that night and reads the articles Evan printed out for him about sheep cloning. It’s dense and confusing and he doesn’t actually really care about the science of it all, but seeing as Evan went out of his way to print these for him, he feels like he’s got some kind of obligation. 

 

When Zoe opens the door to his room (without knocking, because of-fucking-course she doesn’t know), she looks surprised to see that he’s got his biology textbook out, because he’s actually trying to make some goddamn sense of this whole thing. 

 

“You’re actually studying,” she says flatly. 

 

“Fuck you,” he mutters. He looks up at her to see she’s now wearing an expression of suspicion. “If you must know, Evan lent me his biology notes,” he says after a moment. “He’s, like, really into science. I’m just trying to get my head around it all.”

 

Zoe’s eyes widen at that. “Huh,” is all she says. 

 

“Do you need something?”

 

“Dinner’s ready,” she says, crossing her arms. “It smells awful.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “At least she’s consistent.”

 

That actually gets a laugh from his sister, which kind of shocks him a little. Before he can stop himself, he feels the corners of his lips curve into a smile. Or at least something close to a smile. 

 

He manages to fight it back. 

 

The more distance he can put between him and his sister, the better. 

 

She doesn’t deserve to be exposed to his bullshit. 

 

Zoe looks at him for a moment, then rolls her eyes and leaves. Connor takes a moment to put the articles away before heading downstairs. 

 

It’s probably best that no one realizes he’s reading about cloning, he thinks, after what Ben said about there being someone in his family who’s monitoring him. 

 

Watching him. 

 

He already knows his dad goes through his emails and his phone, but he’s always thought it was just because he was worried about the drugs. 

 

Turns out there’s more going on than he thought. 

 

And there’s no fucking way his family is going to find out about this clone bullshit if he can help it. 

 

* * *

Evan’s compiling a list of questions about human cloning that he’s hoping desperately he can convince Connor to answer for him.

 

He thinks he’s got a shot. 

 

He’s not an idiot. He realizes that at the end of the day, he’s got the upper hand here. 

 

Evan’s pretty sure that Connor didn’t mean for him to find out about this whole human cloning thing. He’s almost a hundred percent sure that Connor genuinely thought he was imagining the whole thing. 

 

Honestly, if it had been him in that situation, he might have done the same thing. 

 

But it turns out Connor didn’t imagine it, that he genuinely has a clone - a genetic identical who looks exactly like him, barring a couple of minor cosmetic changes. 

 

And Evan’s probably the only person who’s not a clone who knows. 

 

He’s not sure that he and Connor are friends now. Not really. But as the week progresses, they’re definitely making sure it looks like they’re friends. Evan waits for Connor at his locker and they exchange pleasantries first thing. They eat lunch together (outside, away from people because neither of them are great with crowds) and once Connor gets his car back, he starts driving Evan home. 

 

Jared’s got plenty to say about the whole situation. 

 

“So you’re trying to get into Zoe Murphy’s pants by befriending her psychotic brother,” Jared says in History class. “It’s a bold move, but I don’t know if it’s really going to pay off for you. They hate each other.”

 

“Shut up, Jared.”

 

“No, I’m serious - they like, properly hate each other. Last year they had a full on screaming match in the middle of the parking lot,” Jared continues, stubbornly refusing to take Evan’s hint that he’s actually trying to listen to the teacher who’s droning on about the Civil War. 

 

“I’m not friends with Connor to get to Zoe,” Evan says, not sure if he’s being a hundred percent honest but not caring. “He’s… he’s actually nice, once you get to know him.”

 

Jared lets out a sharp laugh and the teacher stops to look at him, then looks at Evan. 

 

Evan wants to dissolve into the floor. 

 

Jared gives the history teacher two thumbs up. 

 

As the day of dinner with the Murphys draws closer, Evan’s made up his mind. He’s got a list full of questions about the cloning situation and he’s going to get some answers, as soon as they get through a meal without anyone melting down or the whole clone conspiracy coming out. 

 

Evan kind of feels like telling Connor Murphy something as huge as the fact that he’s a clone and then expecting him to keep it a secret was a really bad idea. 

 

Not because Connor’s untrustworthy or anything - Evan doesn’t really know him well enough to be able to make a call on that - but because if there’s one thing he’s noticed about Connor over the years he’s vaguely known him, it’s that he has a habit of not really thinking things through. 

 

He’s a very… reactionary person. 

 

Evan’s kind of afraid he’s just going to blurt out the whole clone thing at the worst possible time. 

 

Maybe Evan knowing about this isn’t so bad, after all. He might be able to help keep the secret. 

 

He and Connor might not really be friends but the last thing he wants is for Connor to be dragged off by the FBI or the CIA or some other terrifying acronym organization who want to know how someone genuinely cloned a human. 

 

He doesn’t particularly want to deal with the FBI or CIA, either. 

 

Connor gives him a ride home on Friday as he usually does. The habit they’ve gotten into is that neither of them say a word to each other and Connor puts on a Spotify playlist that features a lot of Nirvana that Evan recognizes because his mom is into them and then Connor pulls into Evan’s driveway and Evan thanks him and gets out and that’s it. 

 

This time, Connor actually stops the car and gets out with him. 

 

“Dinner’s not for a few hours,” says Connor flatly, “and I’m not spending any more time in my house than I need to.”

 

“So… you’re coming in?”

 

Connor blinks at that. “I mean, if you want me to sit in my car in your driveway, I will, but your neighbors might think it’s weird.”

 

“Sure,” says Evan quickly. “Right. Yeah. Okay.” 

 

He lets himself into the empty house and sees Connor take it all in. It smells a little bit like old Chinese food and Evan’s momentarily embarrassed, but then remembers that Connor is a walking science experiment and needs Evan more than Evan needs him, so decides that’s not worth worrying about. 

 

Which of course means that he continues to worry about it for the next two hours Connor is in his house. 

 

Connor kind of looks around, then sits on the lumpy couch and pulls a book out of his bag. After a few moments, Evan comes to the conclusion that Connor’s perfectly happy like this, so goes to do some dishes, put his school bag away and change into a nicer shirt. 

 

When he comes back to the tiny living room, Connor hasn’t moved. 

 

He also hasn’t noticed Evan’s back in the room. 

 

Connor has almost laser focus on his book. Every now and then, he kind of laughs or mutters something under breath. 

 

It’s kind of… a little endearing, to be honest. It’s nice, seeing Connor so clearly interested in something, when most of the time he gives off a vibe of not caring about anything at all. 

 

He’s a lot less terrifying this way. 

 

Except, though, that maybe terrifying wasn’t ever really the right word for Connor. Evan can’t get that look on his face in the school parking lot out of his mind. 

 

That look of frustration and fear and… almost resignation, in a way. 

 

Like, of course he was seeing someone who looked just like him. Of course something completely insane was happening to him. 

 

Because that’s just the way his fucked-up brain works. 

 

Evan might be projecting, but he doesn’t think so. 

 

He hasn’t spent a lot of time with Connor, but the time he has spent makes him think there is something familiar about him. 

 

“So, uh, do we need to go?” Evan asks, breaking the silence. 

 

Connor’s head shoots up from his book and for a moment, his face isn’t closed off and angry like it always seems to be. It’s more than a little disarming.

 

It shuts back down in seconds. 

 

“What’s the time?” Connor asks. 

 

“Five.”

 

Connor sighs, then visibly braces himself. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

 

The drive to the Murphy house is quiet, but not uncomfortable. Connor doesn’t bother putting on any music. He seems like he’s a million miles away. 

 

Evan notices as they drive that they’re headed to the fancier part of town, where the houses are bigger and the cars are more expensive. 

 

He’s a little taken aback when they pull into the driveway. 

 

He just… hadn’t really thought about the fact that the Murphys were rich. 

 

In the back of his mind, he’d known. Evan and Connor were in the same classes as kids so he’s always kind of been vaguely aware of how well-off the Murphys are. Evan remembers Connor’s mom showing up all the time for school events and being jealous because his mom was always working and never had the time. 

 

Evan thinks he might have even been to one of Connor’s birthday parties. 

 

Now that he thinks about it, he’s fairly certain he did. It was Harry Potter themed and Connor and Zoe had had, like, proper fancy costumes with realistic looking wands while Evan’s mom had painstakingly turned an old blanket into a cloak and they’d spent an hour at the park, looking for the perfect stick to make into a wand. 

 

It might have been at this house. He can’t remember.

 

“Did you live here when you had the Harry Potter party?” Evan finds himself asking. 

 

Connor just stares at him for a moment, like he doesn’t know what Evan’s talking about. Evan’s about to explain or apologize or vomit words when Connor shakes his head. 

 

“We lived around the block,” Connor says. “Until I turned nine. There was no fucking point in moving, if you ask me. All the houses in this part of town are the same.”

 

Evan doesn’t disagree. 

 

When they get inside the house, Connor takes off his boots and Evan follows suit, taking off his own shoes and lining them up next to the door. In the time it takes to take off his shoes, Connor’s mom arrives. 

 

She looks younger than Evan’s mom, even though he’s pretty sure they might be the same age, or that his mom might even be younger. 

 

Evan knows his mom looks older than she is because she works too hard. 

 

She shouldn’t have to. 

 

He’s not worth it. 

 

“You must be Evan!” says Connor’s mom, smiling so hard Evan thinks her face must hurt. “Please, call me Cynthia.”

 

Evan tries to subtly wipe his hand on his shirt before extending it to shake, but before he can do anything she’s wrapped him in a hug. He can see Connor over her shoulder. He looks absolutely mortified. 

 

“Mom, come on.”

 

“Do you like lasagna?” asks Connor’s mom as she finally lets Evan go. “I made it myself. It’s vegan and gluten-free.”

 

The house smells really weird, Evan notices. 

 

“Sounds great,” he says, as encouragingly as he can manage. Connor rolls his eyes so hard Evan’s surprised it hasn’t caused him physical pain. 

 

From then on it’s a flurry of activity as Connor’s mom all but drags him and Connor into a way too fancy dining room in a way too fancy house and starts peppering him with questions about how he and Connor met and what Evan’s planning to do for college and it’s all a little overwhelming. 

 

Connor, thankfully, jumps in. 

 

“Mom, you don’t need to interrogate him,” he says irritably. 

 

Cynthia (Evan is never going to call her that to her face) stops in her tracks and looks horribly sad for a moment. “I just wanted to get to know your friend,” she says, her voice a little pained. “It’s been so long since you’ve had someone over.”

 

Connor looks at his mom with a guarded expression, then blinks. His shoulders shift a little. It’s like a smaller, more subtle version of him physically bracing himself when they left Evan’s house. 

 

“Evan came to my seventh birthday party,” Connor says. 

 

Cynthia’s eyes light up. “The Harry Potter party! Oh, that was so much fun.” She looks at Evan intently for a moment, then recognition dawns. “That’s right! You had such a cute wand. You made it yourself, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Evan replies awkwardly. 

 

Connor kind of blinks a few times, like he’s trying to remember. 

 

Evan feels like he should be trying to continue the conversation in some way and is about to open his mouth and probably start ranting about the hour he spent with his mom at age seven looking for the perfect stick when he notices Zoe in the doorway. She doesn’t look exactly surprised to see him but she does spend a moment looking between him and Connor, like she’s trying to figure out their connection. 

 

“Hey Evan.”

 

Evan waves awkwardly with both hands and immediately regrets it. 

 

Connor shoots him a look that makes it clear he thinks he’s a fucking idiot. 

 

This is going to be a great meal. 

 

* * *

It’s pretty fucking obvious from the moment they sit down to eat that Larry doesn’t buy that Connor and Evan are friends.

 

Connor honestly doesn’t blame him. It looks like they’ve got nothing in common. 

 

Evan’s sitting there, practically shaking, and Connor thinks to himself that the kid kind of reminds him of an exposed nerve. 

 

Like any contact could set him off on some sort of frantic ramble. 

 

“So Evan, you’re a senior,” Larry says rather than asks. Evan nods almost frantically. “Are you planning on going to college?”

 

“I, uh, I’d like to study biology?” Evan says, his voice very high and very quick. “I really like science and I like biology the best and I like plants so I want to study plant biology because… trees.”

 

The sounds of cutlery against plates is making Connor’s head hurt. 

 

Maybe he’s the one who’s an exposed nerve. 

 

“Trees?” Cynthia asks, sounding more confused than anything else. 

 

“I like them,” Evan offers weakly. 

 

Connor can’t help but laugh. Zoe shoots him a dirty look and Evan just looks betrayed. He feels bad, so he tries to make up for it. 

 

He thinks back to one of Evan’s nervous rants over the past week and remembers something. 

 

“Evan was a park ranger,” he says. “He spent all summer with the trees. He’s basically The Lorax.”

 

Evan looks right at him and his eyes light up and he honestly, genuinely smiles. 

 

It’s completely out of place for this house, this room, this table. So much that it almost hurts. 

 

“I remember that book,” says Cynthia, a little desperately. Like she’s trying to grasp some sort of connection. “Dr. Seuss.” She looks at Connor. “You loved Dr. Seuss when you were little. You always wanted to read The Cat in the Hat. Over and over again.”

 

“Sure,” says Connor flatly. 

 

He remembers, but he doesn’t want to. 

 

Doesn’t want to think about how when he was a kid, having his mom read to him always made him feel safe and important and loved, because it just seems so stupid now. 

 

He can still hear that grating sound of a knife against a plate as someone tries to slice into his mother’s inedible lasagna and it’s making him want to throw something across the room but he has to keep it together if they’re going to sell this whole friendship bullshit. 

 

“There are some excellent career options in the sciences,” says Larry, looking directly at Evan. “Have you ever heard of the DYAD Institute?”

 

To Connor’s surprise, Evan actually nods. “I was doing some reading? For a… for a project. Well, no, actually it wasn’t a project for school or whatever, it was just something that I was interested in, and I found some articles that mentioned the DYAD Institute and so I had a look at the website and they’re doing some really interesting things and it was really interesting and I thought that it was…” 

 

“Interesting?” Connor says, before he can stop himself. 

 

Evan laughs nervously. 

 

“What were you reading about?” Larry asks. 

 

Evan freezes. 

 

Connor feels something in the pit of his stomach start to clench. 

 

“Wasn’t it something about cells?” he says, looking at Evan. 

 

Evan nods frantically. “Yes. Cells. It was about cells, which are very interesting because… they make things.”

 

“Right,” says Larry, frowning a little. He opens his mouth as though he’s about to ask Evan another question. 

 

To Connor’s surprise, Zoe starts talking. 

 

“So the first jazz band performance of the year is coming up. I think I’m getting the solo.” 

 

“That’s wonderful!” says Cynthia, and Connor can feel how relieved she is to be talking about her not-a-fuck-up kid like a punch in the gut. “You’ve been working so hard on your guitar and I think you’ve really improved.”

 

“What day is it?” Larry asks, and he seems relieved, too. 

 

Zoe launches into an explanation about the concert and her band teacher and how she has to audition for the solo but she’s pretty sure she’ll get it. Connor looks over at Evan, who’s shoveling lasagna into his face like he’s just trying to figure out a way to not have to talk anymore, and honestly that’s such a fucking mood that Connor finds himself doing the same. 

 

It’s tasteless and dry but somehow also soggy and overpowering. 

 

Connor forces himself to finish the plate, keeping an eye on Evan, and as soon as he can see Evan’s finished he stands up and grabs Evan’s good arm. 

 

“We’re going to my room,” he announces. “Evan’s going to explain biology to me.”

 

“Right,” says Evan, nodding frantically again. 

 

Cynthia’s face falls and Connor feels it like another gut punch. “I made dessert,” she says. 

 

“We’ll get some later,” Connor tells her, then all but pulls Evan out of the dining room and up the stairs to his room. 

 

He closes the door as soon as they’re both inside. 

 

Evan picks at the edge of his cast nervously and doesn’t meet Connor’s eye. 

 

“Congratulations,” Connor says flatly. “You passed.” 

 

“Um, what?”

 

“You met my parents, you didn’t pass out or anything - friendship achieved.” 

 

Connor sits down on his bed. 

 

Evan doesn’t move. 

 

“You can sit if you want,” Connor says, even though he’s fairly certain that Evan’s not going to do that. 

 

As predicted, Evan doesn’t sit down. 

 

What Connor hadn’t predicted was for Evan to pull a piece of paper out of his pocket. 

 

“I have questions,” he says, his voice high and nervous like it’s been all night. “About the… about the clone thing.”

 

Connor feels a burst of irritation, deep in his stomach. “We can’t talk about this here,” he snaps. 

 

Evan looks at him. “We have to - to talk about it somewhere,” he insists. “It’s all… I’m the only one who knows and I… I have questions.”

 

“Look, the only reason you know is because I’m a fucking idiot,” Connor says with a roll of his eyes. “If you could just pretend I never said anything, that would be great.”

 

“I can’t do that, though? Because it - it happened and you told me and I saw the other clone, right in front of me and I have so many questions and… you owe me.”

 

Connor raises his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

 

“You owe me,” says Evan, his voice stronger this time. “You - you need me to cover for you for last weekend and to keep covering for you so the least you can do is answer my questions.”

 

“Dude,” Connor says with a sigh. “I don’t even know how I’d start answering your questions. I have no idea what the fuck’s going on.”

 

“But you’re going to find out,” Evan points out. “You said you need me to keep covering for you, which means you’re going to see the other ones and find out what’s going on and start understanding all of this. So you owe me answers when you get them.”

 

Connor knows he’s going to regret what he’s about to say.

 

“I need you to cover for me this weekend.”

 

Evan stares at him in disbelief, then lets out a sharp laugh. “Oh my god.”

 

“I’m going to New York,” he says. 

 

“Why New York?”

 

“That’s where Ben lives,” Connor explains. “I’m the one who’s owed answers here.” 

 

Evan looks at him for a long moment. 

 

Picks at the edge of his cast again. 

 

Then puts his hands down purposefully. 

 

“I’ll cover for you,” he says carefully. “But only if you take me with you.”

 

Connor shakes his head. “Not going to happen.”

 

Evan raises his eyebrows. “Do you want me to tell your parents you’re running off to New York?” 

 

It’s quiet for a long moment. 

 

Connor can’t believe that this is happening. 

 

He is being honest-to-fuck  _ blackmailed _ by Evan fucking Hansen. 

 

This is completely unreal. 

 

This is…

 

Actually fucking hysterical, fucking  _ hell. _

 

“Fuck,” he says with a long sigh. And then a laugh. “Alright. I’ll pack up my shit.”

 

Evan frowns. “What? Why?”

 

“I’m crashing on your couch tonight,” Connor announces. “We’re leaving for New York first thing tomorrow.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's shaping up to be a 3-parter. Expect Parts 2 and 3... sometime. I don't know when. 
> 
> For those of you who are keeping track, I quit my job and now I'm training to be a primary school teacher and it's very stressful but a lot of fun, so I have less time for fic but still as many weird plot bunnies.


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